Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen on the platform. Yes, this is a C train. If you are waiting for the F train you have gots to get on this train, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Just get on this train, and we will discuss it as we roll.
–C train
Man on cell: Yo Hamster! Oh, hey Tomato, whats goin’ on?
–Bx12 bus
Overheard by: Courtney C
Girl on cell: I swear it had to be 8 or 9 inches long…yeah I know, I was shocked. It was the biggest damned cockroach I have ever seen…yes, a roach, what did you think I was talking about?
–Bx9 bus
Overheard by: ogie
Bus driver: Next stop 3rd Avenue. We’ll be arriving in a week to 10 days…Anyone want to get off here? That’ll be $50. Send me a check.
–M14D bus
Overheard by: Sherri
Conductor: Hey, no crying on the train! No crying on the train!
–1 train
Man: I make people cry, and you tickle them.
–Wall St
Girl: You’re making me wanna shed mad tears!
–Lower East Side
Mom to young daughter: I think Daddy cries because he cares.
–JFK
Drunk guy: Jim? Jim! I don’t think we can be friends anymore… I cried after the Super Bowl.
–Waverly & Broadway
Woman on cell: I call her at work sometimes, and I’m like ‘Hi, Beth,’ but I can’t hear her because she’s sobbing.
–22nd & Park
Overheard by: Champ
Tween: I made a babysitter cry once. She was so immature.
–Brooklyn-bound R train
Man #1, annoyed at being pushed: You don't have to push!
Man #2: Well, it was really crowded.
Woman: Welcome to New York!
Man #1, to woman: Your mother!
Woman: That's mature! What are you, in the 5th grade? Grow up, jerk-off!
Man #1: Suck my dick!
Woman: You don't got one, honey!
–F Train
Overheard by: Alliem
Crazy lady: Don’t touch my coat! I don’t know where your hands have been!
Passenger: I was fixing something.
Crazy lady: Well, don’t fix anything! I don’t know you! And get your fucking hand out of my face!
Passenger: My hand wasn’t in your face.
Crazy lady: I wasn’t talking to you! I was talking to myself! Stop stalking me or I’ll cut you right on this train!
–R train
Pissed dude on train: You know, it'd be a lot harder for people to hold the doors if they were razor sharp.
Friend: That's not funny.
Pissed dude: I'm just saying people might hold the doors less if were going to lose a limb every time.
–F Train
Female conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are stopped here due to congestion ahead. We should be moving shortly. [2-3 minutes later.] Ladies and gentlemen, due to a malfunctioning signal, everyone will need to get off the train, take the 4 back up to 149 St Grand Concourse and take the 2 train downtown.
Train riders: [Groan.]Conductor: April fools! Stand clear of the closing doors.
–4 Train
Overheard by: Mike T
Five-year-old child: Is this our stop, mommy?
Mother: No sweetie, this is the ghetto. Never get off here.
(two people sitting across give them dirty looks as they leave the train)
–Metro-North, Harlem
Overheard by: getting off at the 125th street stop
Automated announcer: The next stop is 59th Street.
(people flee the train)
Conductor: The next stop on this train will be 14th Street, Union Square. Not 59th Street. …you people take this train every day. You should know better than that, now come on!
–Uptown 4 Train
Overheard by: Cait
Teen #1: Are we there yet?
Teen #2: It's right over there.
Teen #3 (screaming): I see it! I see Atlas! It's white, I see it.
Bus driver: Yeah, and I see dead people across the street…you don't hear me screaming.
–Q29 Bus, Atlas Park Mall
