Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

Woman: Excuse me, can you tell me something? Do I have a hickey on my neck? I have to go to a lunch and I just want to know if I have a hickey on my neck.

–SoHo

Overheard by: kim

Guy on cell: He shoved his hand in so many crevices that they looked like flippers.

–2nd Ave & Houston

Overheard by: gypsee

Drunk girl: If Bethany doesn't have legs, nobody has legs.

–1 Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Strange woman, seeing another woman massaging pressure points on friend's ear: She has a headache? It starts in the scrotum.

–M14D Bus

Man, missing stop: This is the problem with having a prostate that's bigger than your brain…you always forget to get off.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: rachel

Girl: She slept with Harry, and she didn't know he only had one hand, and afterward she still didn't know he only had one hand.

–Brother Jimmy's Restaurant

Overheard by: Joe

Posted on February 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Bus, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Health and Hygiene, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Soho, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

That’s What You Said about Your Unwanted Pregnancy

Drunk girl: Can you put my phone in your pocket?
Friend: But your pants have pockets!
Drunk girl: No, they don’t! That’s just a glitch in the matrix!

–2 train

Posted on February 17, 2015
Cell Phone, Clothing, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Stupidity

So a State of Agony?

Bank teller: What state was your account opened in?
Customer: Brooklyn.

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: Captain Finance

Posted on February 17, 2015
Idiots, NYC Geography, Questions, Upper East Side

A Nasty Twist on The Three Little Pigs

Boy teen geek: You know when you push out too much shit you get hemorrhoids?
Girl teen geek: Yeah.
Boy teen geek: Well, that's what he did, pushed out too much shit and got nothing but hemorrhoids!

–Q Train

Overheard by: Blue

Posted on February 16, 2015
Illness, Nerds, On the Subway, Poop, Questions, Teens

And Just Like That, They Formed a Rap Group

Thug: Why you gotta be white and ignorant?
White Girl: Why you gotta be black and belligerent?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Bacon

Posted on February 16, 2015
Black People, Girls, Insults, Questions, Race, Thugs, Times Square, White People

Kids Say the Darndest Wednesday One-Liners

Seven-year-old white boy in huge afro wig, screaming: Peace out, smokers! Peace out, jazz singers! Now, who wants my autograph?

–Playground, Houston St, Soho

Little boy with broken arm: I just won eight gold medals!

–Pier 46, Hudson River Park

Overheard by: skeptical james

Three-year-old boy: The night… why does it hurt?

–Flushing Playground

Six-year-old girl waiting for parents to pay the check, chanting: Hun-ger! Hun-ger! Hun-ger!

–Chinese Restaurant, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kendra

Little boy walking towards LIRR at rush-hour: How are we going to get through all of this?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: i feel the same way

Four-year-old boy: I gotta feelin… that tonight's gonna be a good night… that tonight's gonna be a good night… that tonight's gonna be a good good night!

–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square

Overheard by: wooohoooo

Little girl, in Cro-Magnon section of museum: Mommy, you must have known these people. They look like you!

–American Museum of Natural History

Posted on February 16, 2015
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Food, Glad the Condom Broke, Hudson River, Kids, Moms, Museum of Natural History, Music, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Parks, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Should've Used a Condom, Singing, Smoking, Soho, Times Square, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Get Schooled

Guy leaving registration line: Yo,son, I'm a fucking college student!

–Borough of Manhattan Community College

Girl to friend: If I blow off the first day of class to go to Nobu, am I really meant to be an MD?

–Nobu Restaurant, Tribeca

Crazy guy: School is good! School is very good! You can speak Chinese! You can speak Japanese! (counts to ten in Spanish.) School is good! School is very good!

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Hipster art student: He keeps giving us too many penis assignments. I don't wanna do another penis assignment.

–Pratt Institute

Blonde: My mom wants me to look at graduation dresses…yeah, let's see if I get there first.

–Austin St, Forest Hills

Posted on February 16, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Crazies, Education, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, Languages, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Street, Students, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Of New Literary Markets?

Worker #1, gesturing: Where'd they go?
Worker #2: He's showing her the new Jeff Koons book.
Worker #1: Oh, I didn't know they were into Jeff Koons.
Worker #2: Oh, I'm not sure they are. But I saw the book. There's, like, mad penetration in there.

–The Met

Posted on February 15, 2015
Coworkers, Questions, Sex, The Met

Wednesday One-Liners: The Forgotten Borough

Girl on cell: He's thinking of moving to Queens, and really I don't think we're going to be able to last through that.

–1 New York Plaza

Pretty 20-something on phone: So, I mean, I totally have a newfound appreciation for homicidal rages. Who the hell would ditch me for some ugly fag from Queens? Seriously, I should kill him. Or, just leave him in Queens…forever. Would that be a war crime?

–Wall Street

Overheard by: …I almost asked

30-something suit to another: I'll tell you though, it's not easy getting laid in Queens.

–Court St. & Montague

Overheard by: Kaiti

Enthusiastic, articulate conductor: As you can see, we're at the 21st Street stop! This is the first stop in Queens, soooo welcome to Queens! The next and final stop on this train is Courthouse Square. Now that we all know, let's be on our way!

–G Train

Overheard by: I wish this guy narrated all of my subway trips

Girl's in Queens for the first time: you can order milkshakes and cigarettes from the diner any time of night? This place is a fucking wonderland!

–Queens

Posted on February 15, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Beauty, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Conductors, Crime and Punishment, Directions, Drinks, Getting Jolie'd, Girls, Happiness, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Queens, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Smoking, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, War, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

So You Know His Father Was No Help

Older Puerto Rican woman: Did you hear about the story of the Dominican woman who locked up her son for 25 years?
(disinterested friend shakes head)
Older Puerto Rican woman: He was gorgeous… beautiful. You know who he looked like?
Disinterested friend: Who?
Older Puerto Rican woman: Jesus Christ!

–106th St & 3rd Ave

Posted on February 15, 2015
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Family Ties, Friends, Jesus, News, Old People, Physical appearance, Puerto Ricans, Questions, Time, Upper East Side

Questions