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Those Who Can’t Do, Wednesday One-Liner

English teacher: Alright class, let us come together and share our lists of literary terms. (pause) Just so we’re clear, "Lolcat" is not a literary term.

–Stuyvesant High School

Math teacher: Does everyone get why I can just get rid of the 8 in this equation? Because I’m just looking for an answer. (takes a deep sigh) …Aren’t we all?

–Hunter College High School

Math teacher: We might start this unit tomorrow–maybe not. Depends on how my jury duty goes. I just need to keep convincing them that I have no faith in the criminal justice system.

–Hunter College High School

Teacher: No excuses, we do not climb the walls!

–PS 234

Overheard by: sjhaughty

English teacher: It was the year after they invented college and I was in college…

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

English teacher: I love going to the supermarket because I love scaring little kids. I’ll be like: "Hellooo little boy," and he’ll run away screaming. Ah, I love shopping.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

So Are We Having Lunch at McDonald’s?

Girl #1: Yeah, so she was telling me all about the cleanser, right? And she said it was professional clown approved. What’s up with that? Who buys stuff because it’s been approved by some dumb clown?
Girl #2: I don’t know about buying anything clown approved, but for damn sure I’m not going to buy something that’s not professional clown approved.

–Sephora, 5th Ave

Overheard by: VA

Like, Starving-Children-in-Somalia Bad!

Girl #1: Whenever I come here I wanna buy stuff.
Girl #2: Me too!
Girl #1: It’s really bad.
Girl #2: It’s so bad.

–Sephora, Union Square

Overheard by: MKB

Clean Up in Aisle Emily!

Girl #1: Yeah!. I get 80 mother fucking % off!
Girl #2: Doesn’t that just make you wet?
Girl #1: No. I’m pretty sure it makes me gush.

–27 & 7

Overheard by: sf

Headline by: kerm

Runners-Up:
· “And I Know When Someone Rips Me Off Because I Get A Yeast Infection” – Dan
· “And That Is What We Call a Jew-gasm!” – Andi
· “Coupon Booklets Are Essentially Free Porn” – Matt
· “Cuidado – Piso Jugoso” – Grantankerous
· “Sam Walton Can Still Get the Girls.” – wal-mart women calendar girl
· “Sounds Like You Got 100% Off, To Me” – T Bag

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Like My Grandma

Girl #1: Where do you get bras?
Girl #2: Victoria’s Secret, because no one else has my size.
Girl #1: What size are you?
Girl #2: Buttloads of huge.

–St Marks Place & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Mariah

We Can Only Enjoy the City Ironically

Boy, looking at table full of cheap souvenirs: Hey mom!
Embarrassed mom: No, those are for tourists. We live here!

–Near Trinity Church

Overheard by: amused tourist

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Our City Afloat (Unfortunately)

Bossy, fanny-pack-wearing tourist lady: No, no… That map is wrong. We want Broadway and it’s … That way! [Points emphatically toward 8th avenue and storms away.]

–West 47th b/w Broadway & 8th Avenue

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Tourist, whispering to friend: There are a lot of Jewish people in here.

–B&H Photo

Tourist girl: Dad! Look! It’s Times Square! Walk this way.

–Rector St & Broadway

Overheard by: Jax

Tourist lady peering in shop window: Ooooh, calendars! Ooooh, t-shirts! Oh, we’re gonna have to come back here!

–48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Tourist: Oh honey, look at this purse I bought! It’s a real coach bag and it was so cheap. I bought it on Canal street. You should see all of the Gucci, Prada, and Louis Vuitton they’ve got. I can’t believe you can get the real thing for so cheap.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Johanna

Tourist, in disbelief: People are buying shoes at 11 o’clock at night!

–33rd & Seventh

Overheard by: Gasp!

It’s What Victor Would’ve Wanted

Rich lady #1: Hi! How was the funeral?
Rich ladies #2 and #3, carrying shopping bags: Oh… We didn’t make it to the funeral. We got caught up shopping instead.

–Tea & Sympathy

Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners

Stagehand: I’m telling you, in my next life I’m gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it’s gonna be great!

–Lincoln Center

Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you’ll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Poogins

Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!

–Parsons, 40th & 7th ave

College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin’s feet.] Never mind, it’s not a mermaid!

–Museum of Natural History

Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I’ll be the tooth fairy!

–Times Square Subway

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday One-Liners Are No Longer Considered a Planet

Girl, to boyfriend: And that’s why you can never trust the emotions or actions of someone whose star sign is ruled by mars.

–20th & 7th

Overheard by: ALR

Barista to waiter: I don’t mind that I spent $130 on a pair of Oakleys cause I can look at the sun for a while and it won’t hurt my eyes.

–Long Island Railroad

Overheard by: Chris K.

Baby boomer hippie to college student: Dude, I just got me some of that Afghani shit. Took me to the mooooooon and back, baby!

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Summer

Doonesbury looking dude: Imagine what life would be like without the sun.

–40th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Ledbetter

Girl, being shaken awake by friend: But Rachel, where are you going to put the black hole?

–A Train

Bum on street, to several protesters passing by in pure white bio-hazard suits: Aw… You people wait right there, I’m a run and get some cigarettes then I’m comin’ to the moon with ya’ll. Seriously… Wait.

–45 & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Comack

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