The Village

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Either He’s Lying, or He’s New to the Job

Passenger: Have you ever run anyone over?
Cabbie: No. Do you want me to try it right now?

–West Village

She Was One of the People on the Laugh Track in Natural Born Killers

Hipster chick: Do you think New Yorkers are mean, or are we just so jaded we’re not fazed by anything?
Hipster dude: I think it’s a combination of both.
Hipster chick: Because, well, my friend just found out he has testicular cancer, and he’s getting one of his balls removed on his birthday. And I thought that was hilarious. You know what else? Maybe New Yorkers are also whores — I seriously considered sleeping with him just so I could say I was the last person to see his left ball.
Hipster dude: That’s a bit soulless. But it’s also a little funny.
Hipster chick: See, really, if you think about it in the right way, everything is funny.
Hobo: You’re just a mean whore.

–Bedford & 6th St

Overheard by: Overheard in New York is based on that very concept

You Win This Round, Holmes

Guy #1: You should go back to sucking dick, that’s what you’re good at.
Guy #2: You would know… Damn it!

–Washington Place & Broadway

Overheard by: NewYorkerNick

Explain the Waffle Iron, Then

Black NYU boy: For some reason, every Asian here has a rice cooker.
Black girl: Why?
Black NYU boy: I don’t know, I guess because they’re Asian.
Black girl: That’s so stupid. I’m black, but you don’t see me with a chicken fryer.

–8th St & University Pl

Overheard by: yo mama

Funny how ‘Bitch’ Is Worse than Mother Sex

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I’m going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin’.

–Sheridan Square

I’m Not Sure She Wants to Weigh in on whether You Should Get Your Pubes Shaved Into a Heart or a Star

Queer #1: I totally wish I knew Madonna right now.
Queer #2: Why?
Queer #1: I would totally go over to her apartment right now and talk to her about these things.
Queer #2: Yeah, I know what you mean.

–West Village

Overheard by: Rachel Rockafella

Wait, What Was the Old White?

Latina: Like white people. You know, like you.
Jewish guy: I’m not white, I’m Jewish.
Latina: Didn’t you heard, Jew is the new white.
Jewish guy: Oh.

–4th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Noemi

The Part that’s Wet with Your Juices, Petal

Drunk ponytailed guy: So, like what’s our situation?
Girl: Ummm, what do you mean?
Drunk ponytailed guy: Like do you … want me to come up?
Girl: What part of your ponytail makes you think I’d go home with you tonight?

–Bleecker & MacDougal

Which Are just Impossible to Get Clean

Drunk southern sailor: Yo! Where can we get some punani? Dave needs to milk it! I have a girlfriend, and he’s got a girlfriend, but I’m throwing that to the wind and getting on it
Sailor #2: No way man, we’re in our whites.

–12th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: cp

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