Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Go for the Jugular

Slutty girl: Yeah, we were both drunk and he hit the wrong hole. I've been shitting blood for two days.

–Citi Field Stadium

Gay guy: I mean… She made my dick bleed.

–St. Mark's

Overheard by: jax

Chick laughing hysterically on cell: I know! So much blood came out of his ears!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Fresh Man

Black man on phone: This car was ripped in half, they had to cut this dude out with the jaws of life, he come out bleeding from his eye sockets and shit. (pause) So you wanna meet up later?

–Willoughby & Vanderbilt

Multi-Cultural: Urban Outfitters and J. Crew

Six-year-old girl: Wow! Look at those go-go boots. The East Village is so multi-cultural.
Her father: You think so? It’s mostly rich, white people now.

–East 7th St

Worst Bat Mitzvah Ever

Girl #1: Stuart kissed me full on the mouth.
Girl #2: Did he mean it?
Girl #1: He said it was an accident; he was going for my cheek.
Girl #2: That happened to me once when I was kissing my father.

–St. Marks Place

When Your Therapist Has a Degree from Bartending School

Jew: She’s been on dates with 87 guys from JDate? Eighty-seven?!
Jewess: Yeah, her therapist told her that she can’t complain about guys from JDate again until she’s been on 100 dates with guys from JDate, and now she’s really excited for the last 13 so she can start complaining about them again.

–Stay, East Village

Hanging up is just too hard

Woman, screaming into her cell phone: I SAID I DON’T KNOW YOU. I CALLED THE WRONG NUMBER. I’M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS FROM YOU. I DIDN’T WANT TO CALL YOU. I DON’T KNOW YOU. I DON’T KNOW. I THOUGHT THIS WAS SOMEONE ELSE’S NUMBER. I DON’T WANT TO DISTURB YOU. I DON’T KNOW! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THAT? I DON’T KNOW YOU. I DIDN’T MEAN TO ALL YOU. I’M NOT ANSWERING ANY MORE QUESTIONS. BYE.

–Union Square Park

Different Strokes for Different Wednesday One-Liners

Guy saying goodbye to lady friend: Then I masturbated, and rubbed this sandwich all over myself! (proceeds to rub sub sandwich over his chest)

–46th St & Broadway

Overheard by: James

Man to woman pushing stroller: That guy's kid beats the meat all day long!

–66th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Wow.

Guy in trench coat: He masturbated the other day in order to expel…

–Union Square

Overheard by: Amused

Girl: You really need good hand-eye coordination to masturbate.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Guy on phone: So, even though we're not together anymore, you don't want me seeing other people? (pause) What am I supposed to do? (pause) What do I need to use my hand for?

–White Plains Road

Overheard by: Chad

Just Like Nicole Richie

Black street dealer: Coke? Weed, my brotha?
Desi dude: I’m not black, I’m Indian, my nigga.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Innocent XXX

Judge Her by the Content of Her Character

Girl on cell: Mom, of course I’m not going to be there on Monday. It’s Columbus Day. Co-lum-bus. It’s a holiday.

–Broadway & 13th

Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz

And He's on Antibiotics

Drunk girl #1: Call me tomorrow morning and tell me how you feel!
Drunk girl #2: I'll be just fine cuz I just made out with Travis.

–19th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: k

You Paint Such a Vivid Picture with Words

Sorostitute #1: … And I was like, ‘Uhhh!’ And she was like ‘Uhhh!’ And of course he wanted to come back to the apartment.
Sorostitute #2: Oh my god, I know!

–7th & 1st, East Village

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