Excuse Me, Can I Bum a Wednesday One-Liner?

Hipster girl on cell: Yeah, we’re just gonna smoke some hookah and watch the freshmen. They’re really entertaining.

–Columbia University

Hobo exiting trashcan and shooting smoking pedestrian a dirty look: That smells disgusting. Smoking is such a nasty habit! [Stalks off.]

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: firefry

Lady: … And she’s just the most adorable child! I mean, she has these angelic features and then the voice of a 40-year-old smoker.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Bimbette to friend: They were, like, giving me a bunch of shit since I’m pregnant and still smoking. I was like, ‘It only causes low birth weight. What’s the big deal?!’

–6 train

Overheard by: Drew

Conductor: A reminder, folks — no smoking in the restrooms. You know who you are.

–Amtrak to Boston

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Smoking, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Who Wednesday One-Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda R.

10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: L.C.

Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Havanna's Bar

Posted on June 23, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Friends, Guys, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Race, Rack, Sex, Shoot, Should've Used a Condom, Stupidity, Time, Trains Not Subway, Vendors & Street Performers, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

Wednesday One-Liners Are With the Band

Dr. Obvious: If you want to be a label band, you have to play like a label band.

–Bar basement, Williamsburg

Subway performer: I would like to sing you a song now, one that I wrote and I am very proud of. It goes like this, “Lean on me, when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend…”

–Brooklyn bound L train

Overheard by: Meg

Guy to girl: I don’t mean to be pretentious, but I have seen the Palominos live.

–CBGB’s

Karaoke singer: I realized early on that I wasn’t being sexy enough with that song, and then suddenly I was humping the air.

–Fat Black Pussycat, 3rd St & 6th Ave

Stoner: Dude, what is this band playing? Is this Phish? No, seriously. I’m really confused.

–Dave Matthews Band concert, Randall’s Island

Overheard by: Sober at Randall’s Island

Black guy: I don’t give a damn what the black people think! I want Evanescence!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Kimmie

Waiter: I had to get out of there. I’m sorry, but I just can’t listen to Tom Waits as soon as I get into work! It’s too early for Tom Waits! Let me ease into my day first. Jesus!

–Outside Life Café

Overheard by: daile

Posted on June 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Music, Singing, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners — You Can Count Their Ribs!

Girl to friend: I mean, he has an eating tutor.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Joel

Rabbi: Fasting is completely useless.

–Yom Kippur service, Temple Beth El

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Girl on cell: No, I think her boobs are fake. There is no way you can be anorexic and have boobs like that. I know! They look so awful! Like balloons on a broomstick!

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Chick to friend: You can lose weight just by digesting.

–Main St & Roosevelt Ave, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Rita

Big black lady, stuck in the stall: Oh, hell no! I ain’t come in the bathroom for anorexic people!

–Stall #2, Ladies’ room, Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: Laughing in Stall #1

Posted on June 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Diet/Weight, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Effing Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: The well of his fuckwaddery springs eternal.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Columbia student: Fuck. Fucking titties! What the fuck? Fucking titties, this is some goddamn bullshit! I really want a snack.

–110th & Broadway

Guy to girl: Are you serious? I'm not fucking creepy, okay? I'm not fucking creepy.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: NYU girl

Man on bicycle, yelling at car: Fuck you! Yeah, use your fucking blinkers, you fuckstick!

–10th & Broadway

Overheard by: Helene and Alice

Guy on cell, in monotone with no pauses: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, I need you, I need you, I need you, bitch. (hangs up)

–M4 Bus

Posted on June 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazy, Food, Guys, Insults, Men, On Cell, On the Bus, Parks, Rack, Relationships, Students, The Village, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners Ask the Tough Questions

White guy: You live in New Jersey and you don’t speak Spanish?

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Knipc

Guy on payphone: Eighty miles an hour, and he was still alive?…still alive?

–W. 4th & Mercer

Overheard by: Matthew

Jewfro: …so why did you stick your cell phone in your anus?

–Chambers & Greenwich

Guy: I’d like some dick lever…I mean duck liver, please. Well, I guess dicks don’t really have levers do they?

–Tuller Gourmet Food Market, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Isaac Gertman

Posted on June 18, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pussies

Man to friend: … And then she put her pussy on my head.

–W 4th & 7th

Overheard by: Shaggy

Large black lady to friends: I mean, her vagina was fuckin’ huge! You could put a whole fist in that thing!

–W 4th & 6th

Overheard by: Sophia Casanova

Teen girl on cell: I really wanted to be like, ‘Listen, bud — this isn’t working, so can you please remove your fingers from my vagina?’

–B1 bus stop, Bensonhurst

Female: I think my vagina is malfunctioning.

–E 112th St

Overheard by: Mine, too

Loud guy to male friend: There’s something about a vagina that just makes you evil! No offense.

–4th & Mercer

Overheard by: none taken

Posted on June 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Taste the Rainbow

Seven-year-old, looking around: Mommy, is this a gay place?

–Columbus Circle Mall

Deadpan guy: Just for future reference, when you have gay sex in a bathroom stall, you might wanna put paper bags over your feet so people don’t see two pairs of male feet under the door and catch on… I’m just saying.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Zabet

Fat chick: Gay sex makes everything better.

–Nederlander Theatre

Scruffy college student to friend: So, I told my parents I was gay… Then they told me I was adopted.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: ramona

Old Asian woman, smiling after reading tabloid cover: He is not gay!

–Barnes & Noble, 18th & 5th

Overheard by: I still think he is :-/, BiTCHESSSS!!

Posted on June 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Sexuality, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday Puts on Its One-Liners One Leg at a Time

Ghetto dude on phone: Do you know what I could do with that money? I could get a new pair of pants… or maybe get my hair done.

–Broadway & 86th St

Girl to another: I had this teacher in high school who wore the tightest pants. Camel toe all the time.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Giancarlo

Annoying sober 20-something, returning from bathroom: God! I'm so sweaty, it made it really hard to pull my pants down.

–Diner, 3rd Ave

Teenage girl to another: He came here to do a concert. He probably doesn't want to hear you scream, "Take your pants off!"

–Battery Park

Posted on June 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Clothing, Girls, Guys, Hair, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Sex, Singing, Sweat, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Smells Like Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Don’t walk me behind me, I’m about to fart.

–Times Square station

Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here.

–Rififi, E. 11th Street

Overheard by: Miso

Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I’m almost there, c’mon, I’m comin’ up on your building now, baby, don’t be like that! Look out the window and you’ll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby.

–12th & D

Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy’s balls.

–Coney Island beach

Overheard by: Alissa

Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there.

–Banana Republic, 16th & 5th

Overheard by: beth wren

Posted on June 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Farting & Burping, Pee, Scents of the City, Stupidity, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary