Wednesday One-Liners Get a Hoboner

Hobo: I am homeless and ashy. Can anyone spare some lotion? I want to go from ashy to classy.

–A Train

Overheard by: SBroto

Hobo: If looks could kill I'd be dead. Kind words don't hurt nobody. I give sandwiches.

–Shuttle to Grand Central

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Panhandler, holding top hat overflowing with bills: And take your newspapers and personal belongings with you, I got company comin' over tonight!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Anthony LoDuca

Hobo: You think anyone ever went to Harvard and forgot about it?

–Central Park

Hobo, near no tripping hazards or holes: Watch your step! Don't fall! Look where you're going! Don't fall down!

–4th & Broadway

Singing hobo: I'm gonna be on Broadway! You're all invited! I don't care what you look like. Even you! (points to random man)

–1 Train

Posted on June 27, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Broadway Shows, Central Park, Crazy, Death, Food, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Parks, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Singing, Strangers, Street, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!

Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, ’cause if you don’t make stops you don’t make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don’t have to stop and I still made money, man, I’ll have it made.

–5th St & Ave A

Posted on June 27, 2015
9 to 5-ers, Advice, Blue-collar workers, Jobs & Careers, Union Square and East Village

Guy Has Never Taken a Close Look at His Scrotum

Girl: You gotta get over this whole ‘everything grosses you out’ thing. What did you do when your girlfriend had a yeast infection?
Guy: Ew, stop it.
Girl: And what are you gonna do when your wife gets pregnant? All those gross things that go along with being pregnant — morning sickness, leaky breasts, weird food cravings. Are you ready to watch your wife eat a ham and scallop sandwich with tartar sauce?
Guy: Ewww!
Girl: And you know what else pregnant women get? You ready for this? Hemorrhoids!
Guy: Oh my god, I’m gonna puke.

–Sushi Ya, W 56th St

Overheard by: Just wanted some tempura

Posted on June 24, 2015
Advice, Friends, Health and Hygiene, Restaurants & Cafes

Who Wednesday One-Linered Mr. Burns?

Black 30-something man: And she said, "Nigga, you wanna fuck mah titties wit a gun?"

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Amanda R.

10-year-old boy, very loudly, to 10-year-old girl: Oh, yeah, well…how many guns have you ever held?

–5 Train

Middle aged white man in shorts: Anyone awake at 2 am should be shot!

–LIRR

Overheard by: L.C.

Street performer, trying to move crowd: Okay, let's try this! White people, we are not dangerous! (lifts shirt, pats down sides) We are unarmed! Step closer!

–W 45th & 5th

Man on phone: Right. Right. Wait, what? (in shock) He don't got a gun? Well, he has to have a gun! What kinda game do you think this is?

–J Train

Army dude to friends: People shoot at me every once in awhile. Do I get tipped? No, fuck tips!

–Havanna's Bar

Posted on June 23, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Friends, Guys, Insults, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Race, Rack, Sex, Shoot, Should've Used a Condom, Stupidity, Time, Trains Not Subway, Vendors & Street Performers, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

Get to Unironic Unwrapping, New York!

Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like “Sorry your dad died” or something?
Cashier guy: Uh…no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don’t think that will work. I don’t need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh…I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh….okay, I’ll get the flying books paper.

–Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street

Overheard by: m-co

Posted on June 22, 2015
Advice, Cashiers, Death, Hipsters, Pee, Shopping, Store

And Give You Lots of Material for Dr. Glick

Mom to young daughter jumping up and down: You need to stop doing that. Jillian*, stop that now. If you don’t stop you are going to fall, if you fall you are going to cry, and if you cry I’m going to yell at you and make fun of you.

–Restroom, JFK

Overheard by: tessa

Posted on June 21, 2015
Advice, At the Airport, Girls, Moms, Parents, Threats

Domo Arigato, Mr. Wednesday One-Liner

Nine-year-old boy: Sometimes I just think I am a robot. I mean, aren't I a robot?

–E 17th & Broadway

Overheard by: definitely human

Tall guy: Yeah, you have to learn not to trust those shifty-eyed robots.

–Union Square

Hipster: And, like, he wasn't even gay… he was just not human.

–88th & Park

Comic book guy: No, not Optimus Prime. But yes, I have had sexual thoughts… about robots.

–40th & 7th

Cute chick: You don't need a sex robot to have sex with a robot.

–Old Town Bar

Overheard by: Lieut. Liplock

Posted on June 21, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Pop Culture, Science, Sex, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side

It’s a Stinky Slope

Old hobo, to no one: Don’t start smellin’!
Young hobo: Are you serious?
Old hobo: You think I’m jokin’?

–W 79th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on June 20, 2015
Advice, Hobos, Scents of the City, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

I Fear We Have Additional Requirements

Girl: It’s my last night in New York. I sooo want to get laid.
Guy: Honey, you are so in the wrong place for that.
Girl: What? I have an asshole, too!

–The Duplex, Christopher St

Posted on June 20, 2015
Advice, Asshole, Bars & Clubs, Friends

What Every Girl Longs to Hear

Guy: You could try working out.
Girl: I do work out.
Guy: Are you going to take that hip-hop class?
Girl: No.
Guy: I think I’m going to take that hip-hop class just so I can serve you. I’m going to go down there and serve you.

–3rd Avenue & 11th Street

Posted on June 14, 2015
Advice, Creepsters, Girls, Guys, Questions, Sex, The Village, Theater & Dance, Threats, Weirdness

Advice