Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That

Very large man, pointing at a McDonald’s: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?

–49th & 9th

Man wearing an “I Heart My Heart” shirt, to guy eating fast food: You’re just aching for that heart attack, aren’t you?

–46th & Broadway

Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It’s 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun…And then it gets even more confusing, ’cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don’t have shit on us.

–M11 bus

Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, “Quiero Taco Bell!”

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Kelsey

Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K…F…C?

–Broadway between 38th & 39th

Overheard by: Gregorio

Posted on March 31, 2015
Anger Management, Asians, Fat People, Food, Foreigners, Health and Hygiene, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, NYC Geography, On the Bus, One-liners, People, Places, Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners Are What They Are By Virtue of Their Relationships

Girl: …because I feel like we’re going out. It’s just that he won’t call me.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, E 14th St

Overheard by: MK

Homegirl to boyfriend: No, no, that’s not what I said, that’s what you heard.

–1st & Ave B

Overheard by: Mollena

Girl: In the last few years, every time I go away to Paris with someone, I end up breaking up with them.

–San Loco, 7th St & 2nd Ave

B&T girl #1 to B&T girl #2: If you lived in NYC, you’d totally find a boyfriend. You totally, totally would.

–LIRR to Penn Station

Overheard by: Pia Peanutbuttas

Sassy chick: I was having a glass of wine with him, and he didn’t have anything to say to me. So I licked his ear.

–Harlem

Overheard by: McN

Shrewd observer: That’s not dating. It’s called being on parole.

–West Building, Hunter College

Woman on cell: Well, I happen to like our Goddamn relationship, thank you very much!

–Central Park

Overheard by: Mike

Posted on March 29, 2015
Anger Management, B & T, Central Park, College, Dating, Drinking & Drunk People, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hunter, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, People, Places, Relationships, Sex & Relationships, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village

Pimps Up, Hobos Down

Hobo #1: Hey man, pull yourself together. Get up, bro. Get up. I want to sit down, bro. Get up. Some people want a seat.
Hobo #2: You’re a slut.
Hobo #1: Yeah I’m a slut, but you a ho.
Hobo #2: I’m a ho because of sluts like you.
Hobo #1: Look, man, look at the clock. It’s 8:21, bro. If I catch you lying down on my train again before 12 o’clock, I’m going to kick your ass. You called me a slut, I’ll kick your ass. Now you know.

–L train

Overheard by: V

Posted on March 27, 2015
Anger Management, Hobos, On the Subway

SWM ISO Vampires in Tracksuits

Guy #1: Can we go to Italy Town?
Guy #2: You mean Little Italy?
Guy #1: Yeah. I’ve got someone I need to piss off before sunset.

–NJ Transit train

Overheard by: Aileen Gallagher

Posted on March 21, 2015
Anger Management, Ew, Jersey, Men

Reader Poll: Who’s the Republican Here?

Screaming mom: You have no idea what goes on in this world! Open your eyes and get a goddamn clue already!
Laughing son, ignoring her: Derrr…

–Hudson & Bank

Overheard by: Anna Wolinsky

Posted on March 19, 2015
Anger Management, Boys, Default, Gripes, Insults, Kids, Moms, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Knitting girl: Don't let your drunk girlfriend name your cat, because eventually you will break up with her and then you'll have a cat with a stupid name.

–The Point Knitting Cafe

Overheard by: Heather

Woman coming out of restroom, holding a bottle of liquid soap: You gotta keep the cat clean!

–NYU Hospital

Overheard by: A nurse who wish she wasn't sometimes!!

Female tourist, to herself: There are nine ways to skin a cat, and I know all of them.

–23rd & 8th

Man to woman, arguing: Fuck you, Nina, that's the point. You're not taking my cat!

–Central Park

Old man to friend, during lunch: I don't like cats' attitudes. Unlike dogs, they can be so aloof. Especially to Jews…

–Deli, 1st Ave

Overheard by: Allison

Posted on March 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Baristas, Breaking Up, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Delis, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Hospitals, Insults, Judaism, Man's Best Friend, Men, Names, Old People, One-liners, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Tourists, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village, Women

A Lot of Buddhists Like That Film for Some Reason

Man in Jews for Jesus t-shirt sits while well-dressed young man across from him unbuttons shirt, takes out black marker, and writes ‘Buddhist 4 Mohammed’ on his undershirt, standing and aggressively staring down Jew for Jesus.

Buddhist guy: Give me zee money, Lebowski! I fucks you up! We want zee money, Lebowski! Give us zee money or we fucks you up! [Steps to the left, and in a different German accent] Ya, give us zee money, Lebowski. My girlfriend cut off her toe ’cause she thought we would get zee money. Iss not fair.
Jew for Jesus: [Silent, calm.]Buddhist guy calmly sits back down and buttons his shirt, turning to small Hispanic boy next to him: And that’s where babies come from.

–6 train

Posted on March 14, 2015
Anger Management, Crazies, On the Subway

Because I Can Totally Work a Carpet Steamer

Girl #1: Boys make me so angry. Sometimes I think about changing teams.
Girl #2: You can't just “change teams”. You have to be picked for that team.
Girl #1: What? How do I get picked?
Girl #2 (laughing): You have to clean the carpets of all the team members.
Girl #1 (after pause): What kind of team are we talking about?

–12th Street

Overheard by: Team Player

Posted on March 9, 2015
Anger Management, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Private Parts, Questions, Street

NewsFlash: New Yorker “Tries to Be a Kinda Nice to People.”

Nerdy guy #1 to barista: Thanks.
Nerdy guy #2, sincerely: Wow, that was nice.
Nerdy guy #1: Well, every now and then I try to be kinda of nice to people, ya know?
Nerdy guy #2: I hear that, heat on 'em and then beat on 'em.
Nerdy guy #1: Mmm-hmm.

–Starbucks

Posted on March 7, 2015
Anger Management, Baristas, Nerds, Only in New York, Starbucks

The Cuss-Faucet Continues to Drip After You Turn It Off

Woman #1: I don’t care what kinda shit he was talkin’ about. That motherfucker was out of his mind!
Woman #2, motioning to small children nearby: Stop cursing.
Woman #1: Oh shit, I’m sorry.

–34th St N/R platform

Overheard by: jazzystar69

Posted on March 7, 2015
Anger Management, Kids, On the Subway, People, Places, Topics, Women, Words

Anger Management