Backdoor

Wednesday One-Liners of the Methane Planet

Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Allie

Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it’s somebody else. We all know it’s you.

–A train

Lady to friend: No, seriously! ‘Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.

–Charlton & Varick St

Overheard by: sophie

Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!

–W 71st & Columbus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Deeply Troubled

20-something chick on cell: No, it’s ridiculous. She’s afraid to shit in his house ’cause he thinks girls don’t shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something… I hope she farts on his dick.

–1 train

Overheard by: jenny

Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted… Good morning, New York. I love you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: AMOS

… Followed by a Mudslide

Hoochie #1: Let’s do tequila shots!
Hoochie #2: No way. The last two times I did tequila shots I did anal.

–Freeman’s

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Headline by: Evan Allgood

Runners-Up:

· “Correlation does not imply causation” – Devon Brady

· “Mexicans always come through the back door.” – Sean

· “Once, Twice, Three Times A Lady” – briguy

· “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Whore!” – Queen Pia

· “Tell me about it” – Janet E.


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

From Sodom to SoHo

Man #1: I have a book coming out this year, so I’m looking forward to that.
Man #2: Oh, yeah? What’s it about?
Man #1: It’s an oral history of anal sex.
Man #2: [Silence.]Man #1: It was a lot of hard work, but it was a real labor of love.

–Locker room, McBurney YMCA, 14th St & 6th Ave

Headline by: Ryan

Runners-Up:

· “”Annals of Anal”” – Janet E.

· “But the Title is a Mouthful” – Meredith

· “It’s called ‘Talking Out of Your Ass'” – Chris Polubinski

· “Love’s Labours Lubed” – CJC

· “Rim & Punishment” – Fru

· “The Mangina Monologues” – bowloftoast


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Loved It!

Woman #1: Did you like it?
Woman #2: Like it? Bitch, that motherfucker pushed my hemorrhoids back up!

–Outside methadone clinic, 57th & 10th

Overheard by: R. Frank

Wednesday One-Liners May Begin… Now

NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?

–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell

Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.

–45th & Broadway

Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…

–Union Square

Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!

–NYU Silver Center

Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

Mary: What?

Girl to friend: I don’t know, I’m looking for the right guy to take my virginity.
Hobo: Girl, you ain’t a virgin! Butt-sex does too count!

–34th & 3rd

Or We’ll Never Finish This Haiku

Middle-aged woman: … And you can’t just tell me what you thought of it?
Middle-aged man: I can tell you. I’ll tell you in two words: Anal intercourse.
Middle-aged woman: No, no. Give me three words.

–Broadway & 35th, Astoria

Overheard by: Three’s a Crowd

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Little Bit of Lube and a Whole Lotta Love

Queer: So I’m fucking this guy in the ass, and he tries to kiss me, and I’m like, ‘What the hell are you doing?’

–University Place

Hobo: And then the fucker slapped his cock in my ass!

–5th Ave & 22nd St

Overheard by: A bum rap

Queer: I expected something better and all I got was the big dick in my ass!

–Mobile station

Dude: I swear, if Bob Dylan was a chick I would totally fuck him up the ass.

–8th St & Ave C

Man on phone: Yeah, I’m talkin’ big, wet butt-orgy.

–46th St & 7th Ave

Man: Anal is such a pain in the ass, you know?

–Astor Place

Besides, Paul Newman is Still Hot

Queer #1: Oh my god! I can’t believe you tricked with him! He looks like he’s 70 years old!
Queer #2: Honey, everyone’s the same age when there’s a hand in your ass.

–51st & 9th

Overheard by: Geri AssTrick

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