And Yet at Night I Give Myself Little Cuts with my Venus Razor

Tourist girl: This is my day every day. I sleep until around 9:30 and I get up and I answer my emails. Then, I work for a couple of hours and then I watch The View. And then I eat lunch and I basically meditate and contemplate everything for a few hours. And then I watch Oprah, so I can cry my eyes out for all the poor people in Africa. Then I eat dinner and I go shopping with my parents at the mall.
New York girl: Wow. It sounds like a spa.
Tourist girl: Yes. My life is like a spa.

–Dekalb Avenue, Brooklyn

Posted on January 3, 2015
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Time, Tourists, TV

Is There a “Ctrl Z”?

(teen #1 presses the 26th floor button. Teen #2 presses 21-25th floors for fun)
Teen #1: Dude, what the hell did you do that for?! You're an idiot, I hope you fall off my roof and die!
(pause)
Teen #3, seriously: Can we unpress it?

–Elevator, Bay Ridge

Posted on January 2, 2015
Accidents, Brooklyn, Death, Insults, Stupidity, Teens, Wishes & desires

Look, Forget I Brought It Up

Male law student: You know who I feel sorry for?
Female law student: Who?
Male law student: A black guy with a small dick.
Female law student: Why?
Male law student: Because the expectations are so much higher.
Female law student: You mean, like, with you it’s just expected, right?
Male law student: Not me. I’m hung like… like a black guy.
Female law student: You mean like the black guy who isn’t well-hung?

–Brooklyn Law School library

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on January 2, 2015
Brooklyn, Library, Penis, Race, Students

Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves

Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: joy

Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!

–16th St & 7th Ave

Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.

–Brooklyn

Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Diaz

Posted on December 31, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Drugs, Girls, Jobs & Careers, Names, Nerds, On Cell, Parks, Questions, Stupidity, Teens, Tourism, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

Super Heroine Struggles to Harness Mind-Clouding Powers

Chick #1: I just gave that woman a really sensual look, and I didn’t mean to.
Chick #2: Yeah, I saw. That was creepy.
Chick #1: I hope there was no confusion.

–Warren & Court, Brooklyn

Posted on December 31, 2014
Brooklyn, Default, Girls, Sexuality, Stupidity

How PhDs Say “That Shit Sucked”

Girl, after watching Annie Hall: So, that was your first Woody Allen movie? What did you think?
Guy: It was very Larry David-esque.

–Movies Under the Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Smart Alex/ You Know Nothing of My Work!

Posted on December 30, 2014
Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Film, Girls, Guys, Movies, Questions, TV

…For When I Go Predator-Trolling

Young Hispanic mother, on Disney princess dresses: So, sweetie, which one do you like the best?
Three-year-old girl: I like Jasmine's.
Young Hispanic mother: Oh yeah, that one's sexy.
Three-year-old girl: Seeeeeeexy.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Marina

Posted on December 30, 2014
Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Disney, Kids, Latinos, Moms, Parks, Questions

He Does Kinda Look Like an Enemy Combatant

Cop #1: Sir, you need to move along.
Insane hobo: I didn't touch anyone, goddammit! I didn't do nuthin! I don't touch!
Cop #2: Just get the hell outta here.
Cop #1: Please just move along.
Hobo: I didn't do nuthin, goddammit!
Cop #2 to cop #1: Can I pistol whip him?

–Atlantic Avenue Station, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Derek

Posted on December 29, 2014
Brooklyn, Cops, Coworkers, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Hobos, Offers and requests, Questions, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats

Chinese Fighting Shoe

Girl: What happened?
Guy: Man, that girl brushed up on me, so I turned around, and the bitch said, “Don’t fucking look at me!” and she slapped me!
Girl: Really?!
Guy: And then my girl just starting beating on her!
Girlfriend: Haha yeah! Did you see all that blood?
Guy: Girl must have been coked out for it to come spilling out like that.
Girl: It was crazy! We didn’t know what was going on!
Girlfriend: Its like that time at the club when I took off my shoe!

–Kellogg Diner, Brooklyn

Posted on December 25, 2014
Bitch-slap, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Cocaine, Default, Fighting and ass kicking, Girlfriends, Girls, Punch, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoes, Weirdness

Ditto for Quality Service

Patron: What do you suggest if I don't want red meat?
Luger's waiter: Another restaurant.

–Peter Luger's

Overheard by: glad I didn't ask for their tofu dish

Posted on December 24, 2014
Advice, Brooklyn, Customers, Default, Food, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Waiters