Cocaine

Wednesday One-Liners Used to Go to Meow Mix

Girl: This friend of mine, her cat killed an endangered bird… in Germany. They had to bury it, like, three feet underground.

–Queens-bound E train

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Dude on cell: I saw Tim Burton on an interview the other day, and I said to my cat, ‘Snicket, behold a man who has never yet combed his hair!’

–AMDA entrance

Overheard by: McKinley’s Friend

Girl: And her cat and my cat are, like, really close…

–BX26 bus

Guy: I mean, I don’t even eat cat…

–14th St & 5th Ave

Guy to friend: No, cocaine. Cats really like cocaine!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Kerri

Because a Nose Ring Isn’t Worth Going off My Diet

Random chick: You guys waiting in line?
Freshman girl: Yeah, I’m getting my nose pierced.
Random chick: Oh, nice… My friend just got hers done. It’s not supposed to be that bad.
Freshman girl: Do you know if it gets in the way of blowing lines?
Random chick, taken aback: Uhhh… Well, I guess you always have another nostril…

–St. Mark’s

Overheard by: face

Shut Up and Keep Applying Pressure to Your Bloody Nose

Herbal tea guy: Dude, caffeine is like, bad for you. It’s like a drug.
Espresso guy: Dude, it is a drug.
Herbal tea guy: Then you should stop ragging on people for doing coke.

–Starbucks, 114th & Broadway

The Weird Science of Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.

–Bryant Park

Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.

–N train, Queens

Overheard by: Morgan

Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.

–Bar, Lower East Side

Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?

–Houston and Elizabeth

Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’

–20th St & 8th Ave

Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!

–12th St & University Pl

Overheard by: Joe

Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.

–33rd & 7th

The Monkeys in the Experiment Choose the Coke

Hipster girl #1: I better watch out — after the weight I lost, my mom is thinking I’m anorexic or something. I should start eating more.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, or lay off the coke.
Hipster girl #1: Or that.

–Times Square

A Fellini Film

Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let’s get some coke! I don’t be playing, let’s get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain’t no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]

–LIRR waiting area

Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived

But Not for Long

Guy: Just look! Look behind us! There’s nobody! I just bought coke. Look, just give me 20 back and I’ll leave you alone all night. I swear. I don’t go to F.I.T. I go to West Point.

–8th Ave & 25th St

…Sprinkled with Crack

Ana #1: I just did it to jump start my diet.
Ana #2: You smoked crack.
Ana #1: Just for a couple weeks, to lose the initial weight.
Ana #2: And then what did you do?
Ana #1: Now I just eat half an avocado a day.

–Equinox, Greenwich St

We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda

A Real Porn Star Would’ve Held out Longer than 5 Minutes

Guy: He’s kind of cute.
Girl: No he’s not, I do not approve.
Guy: Whatever, I think he’s a really interesting person.
Girl: Of course he’s interesting. He’s addicted to coke and he’s a gay porn star and we know all of this about him and we’ve only known him for 5 minutes.

–no idea bar 20th St & 5th Ave

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