Conductor to a group of passengers: You should flip the seats back, this is going to be a crowded train.
Passenger #1: Well, what if we lied down and pretended to be corpses or something? People wouldn’t take our seats then.
Conductor: No, people would just come and sit on you.
Passenger #2: But what if we were just like “We’re not dead yet!”?
Conductor: Well, they’d still sit on you, so you probably would be dead soon.
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: alison
Conductor: I get paid whether this train moves or not. We can sit here all day, or if you want to go somewhere, stand clear of the doors.
–B train
Overheard by: Captain Obvious
Conductor: If you are carrying a knapsack or large bag, please consider being searched by the police.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Kelly Wittman
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not contribute to panhandlers. Panhandling on the subway is illegal, and is also against the law.
–R train
Conductor: …we are told the delay is indefinite…for future reference “indefinite” does not mean the train won’t leave at all. So all those people that just got off the train and went upstairs to wait, are still waiting! And you’re on your way!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Ziggy Stardust
Train conductor on “drunk train” from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!
–LIRR, Jamaica Station
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: This is Beverly Road, the next stop will be Beverly Road. Stand clear of the doors.
–Q Train
Overheard by: Robert
Conductor: This is the last stop on this train, everyone needs to exit the train. (all passengers go out) My bad, this is not the last stop on this train, everyone get back on the train.
–6 Train
Conductor, as train approaches 42nd Street: This is 34th Street, transfer is available to the a and e trains, connection available to Amtrak, New Jersey Transit, and Long Island Railroad. Next stop, 34th Street, Penn Station.
–Uptown C Train
Overheard by: Dara
Conductor: This is Franklin Avenue, the next stop is…I don't know what the next stop is.
–4 Train
Conductor of crowded train: Please do not step onto the train, it is too crowded. There is another 1 train right behind us. Please wait for that one. (doors close) Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 1 train behind us.
–1 train
Earnest sidewalk pollster: Sir? Have you got a minute to talk about the sanitation department? Do you think it's normal?
–51st St & Lexington
Overheard by: jake-e
Conductor, bending down before fainted man: C'mon! Dude! What did I tell you before? Get up and sit down and pass out in the seat like regular normal people. People think you're dead. Get up.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: I guess not a normal person
Girl, during History of Islam class: Miracles show us what's normal and what's, like, super above normal.
–Hunter College
Woman, bending down to adjust child: You have to walk normally now–like a normal person.
–Museum of Natural History
Nerd guy to friend: It wouldn't be child labor. You just hook them up to electrodes, connect them to the the power grid, and have them play on the playground like normal!
–Shuttle to Times Square
Conductor: Attention, passengers. If you’re waiting for the E train, dream on! It isn’t running at all! So get on here and wait for further instructions!
–A train
Overheard by: DJ Ranma S
Conductor #1, over PA: This train will make all express stops to Stillwell Avenue.
Conductor #2, over PA: What does that mean?
–Coney Island-bound F train, 4th Ave
Overheard by: I know I’m getting off at 7th Ave., and I don’t even work for MTA!
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.
–B Train
Overheard by: JustMe
Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Brian Broker
MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you.
–G Train
Overheard by: lolz
Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be.
–A Train
Overheard by: oliviz
Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Sarah
Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face.
–C Train
Overheard by: Chris
Conductor on crowded rush hour train: The next stop is Delancy Street, and I order at least half of you to get off this train at that station.
(train arrives at station)
Conductor: Get out!
(train is leaving station)
Conductor: This is a not-so-crowded f train to Brooklyn. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–F Train
Overheard by: Miri
Check in girl: I only like buying books with sparkles on the cover.
–York & 72nd
Overheard by: fance
Teenage girl on cell: I gotta find this book in the religion section. You know, it's like… it's not that you believe in god, or you don't believe in god, but that you just don't care? I want that book!
–Borders Bookstore, Midtown
Amtrak conductor: A free copy of Amtrak's Arrive magazine is located in your seat pocket. For those seeking enlightenment, this magazine is the first step.
–Train, Penn Station
Student, discussing The Sound and the Fury: I suppose it's a very *artsy* ending–a big, retarded guy holding a broken flower… Does that come with skinny jeans and an apartment in Williamsburg?
–Stuyvesant High School
Tipsy 30-something nerd: We can't all be riding escalators with hard-ons.(older woman turns around) What, lady? It's a literary reference, look it up!
–1st & 7th
Overheard by: Phyllis Dean
