Dating

Dear Diary, I Hang Out in Times Square Every Night and Still Can’t Manage to Get Raped! Tomorrow I’ll Try the Bronx

College guy: You know, I asked Hannah out sophomore year.
College girl: Really? Did she say yes?
College guy: Nah, she said I was like a brother to her.
College girl: Yeah, you’re like a brother to me, too, but a brother I know would probably rape me if given the right chance.
College guy: Nah.
College girl: What? Are you serious?
College guy: Yeah! Why?
College girl: I don’t know. I figured you’d at least try. You could at least pretend to want to.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Amused high school student

No, I’m Certain — My Mom’s Couch Still Has the Stains

Girl: Excuse me… you may not remember me, but I used to date you.
Guy: Uh, I don’t think so.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Marianne

Granted They’re Dirty Limericks, But Still

Girl: He’s way too intense for me.
Guy: How so?
Girl: He likes poetry, and his MySpace page is totally black and stuff.

–Chinatown Brasserie, Lafayette St

After All, Marriage Is a Three-Year Commitment

Girl #1: I’ve been doing eHarmony, and all of the guys they’ve matched me with have fit my personality really well.
Girl #2: I want to try eHarmony.
Queer: You’re getting married in, like, three months.
Girl #2: I know… I’m just curious.

–Uptown 6 train

Overheard by: I Know a Good Divorce Lawyer

She Should See the Video

Dude: I know she’s your girlfriend, John, but I’d come all over her.
Bartender chick: Wow, that was kind of… graphic.

–The Slaughtered Lamb, Jones & West 4th

Overheard by: Tarkus

A New Way Around Male Fear of Commitment

Girl #1: He actually told her he was only dating her because she had cancer?
Girl #2: Yup.
Girl #1: That’s such a dumb reason to date somebody.

–Alfangi Spa, 39th & Madison

Overheard by: Emily

Which Is How Mankind Figured Out What to Do with Hamsters

Guy: Why the fuck are you dating Jimmy?
Girl: ‘Cause he’s sweet and nice, unlike you.
Guy: But he’s Chinese.
Girl: So? Are you racist or something?
Guy: Nah… but Chinese dudes got some small-ass hamster dicks. I know he ain’t hittin’ that right.

–F train

Overheard by: Tupac

Great, ‘Cause My Parents Would Absolutely Kill Me If I Didn’t Marry Gay

JAP: Aww, but you two would be the perfect couple!
Queer: Why?
JAP: Because you’re both gay!

–French Roast Cafe, W 11th St

Overheard by: mound charger

Wednesday One-Liners Think ‘Un’ Is Also a Kind of Faithful

Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she’ll still gimme some. She know that!

–7 train

Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!… You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!

–Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn

Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Keith

Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that’s over, wanna get back in bed?

–32nd & 7th

Cop: So I’m fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!

–238th & Broadway

Overheard by: Miriam

After It Was Explained What ‘Girls’ Are, His Odds Immediately Improved

Guy: Damnit, no girl ever wants to go out with me.
Girl: What do you mean?
Guy: I don’t think girls like me; they say I’m an ass.
Girl: I like you!
Guy: I don’t date dudes.

–Tribeca

Overheard by: Nozomi

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