Directions

Wednesday One-Liners Giggle When They Hear the Word “Penal”

Woman to two male companions: I've fornicated lots of times, and I've never been arrested!

–A Train, Grand Central

Guy handing out tickets: Comedy club tickets, tickets tickets, get drunk and possibly arrested!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Chadwick

50-something on cell: I was watching America's Most Wanted last night to see if I could see…our boy!

–DeKalb & Cumberland, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lea

Grungy guy, carrying a slice and a bottled drink: I don't believe in putting off till tomorrow what I can do today…because tomorrow I might be back in jail.

–Sheridan Square

Overheard by: Suze Volchok

Guy on cell: It's always comforting when I imagine people I don't like being anally raped in prison.

–Prince & Sullivan

Bus driver: The next stop is QCC. Queens Correctional Cen…I mean, Queens Community College.

–Q27 Bus

Overheard by: hey! i go there …

A Nice Man Gave Me This Briefcase Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor over PA: Some asshole saw fit to leave a package behind on the train, so now we're waiting for the train police. God knows how long that's going to take.

–4 Train

Overheard by: arctinus

Loud hobo addressing crowded f train: I am unemployed. I am not begging. This is an uptown-bound f train. If you see a suspicious package…give it to me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Megerella

Rasta guy to whole car: Attention passengers! (does perfect imitation of opening subway door tones) Please keep your belongings in sight at all times. If you see a suspicious package on the platform or train, tell a police officer, or an MTA employee, or me—it could be a big bag of money, or a bag of medicinal weed. Not the haze, the spliff.

–4 Train

Overheard by: one love

Hobo (after imitating the sound of the subway doors closing): This is a Bronx-bound 4 train…the next stop will be 14th Street Union Square. If you see a suspicious package, don't keep it to yourself. Tell a police officer or MTA employee or me, cause it could be a bag of money or some weed! (approaching a white girl) Hey, pretty girl! You ever tried the flavor black? Cause once you go black you don't go back. Oh man, she's fine! She's fine too! I must be a lesbian because I like all girls!

–4 Train

Overheard by: can never hear those announcements with a straight face

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, if you see or think you're seeing a suspicious package, don't be scared! Say something! The next stop on this train will be 125th Street, home of the famous Apollo Theater and Street Fault, now with white kids from the Old Navy commercial walking all over the place.

–A Train

Overheard by: Alix

Did You See the Girl with the Shoes?

Red beard hipster: We thought we lost you guys.
Methhead ditz hipster: No, we went down that street.
Red beard hipster: Oh, that street.
Methhead ditz hipster: No, not that street, that street.
Red beard hipster: Oh, cool.

–McDonald's

Overheard by: BigKahuna&BigRed

According to Zagat's

Church lady #1: You should try this restaurant I went to last week in Brooklyn.
Church lady #2: Oh, is that in the hood?
Church lady #1: No, it's not quite in the hood, but it's close. It's about two stops from the hood.

–A Train

Overheard by: what's happening to our hood?

Perhaps We Should've Walked Across Harlem Instead?

Bus conductor: Next stop, Atlantic City.
Passengers: Huh?!
Bus conductor: Ah! I mean Amsterdam Avenue!
Passenger #1: Hmmmm, are we safe on this bus?

–M4 Bus

Way to Ruin My Train Buzz

Girl #1: But then I saw the l train and I didn't even know where I was, but I was like, “Ooooh, the l train! They sing about that!”
Girl #2: That's Chicago.

–F Train

New Yorkers Are Beginning to Understand How People in Other Countries Feel About Americans

Woman with baby to subway attendant: How do I get to the Empire Trade Center from Canal St?
Friend: Nah, how do we get to where them Twin Towers fell at?

–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day

Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your ass in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of fucking bullshit at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being… Yes, it's you! Goddammit, get in the fucking train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell ass in or get the fuck out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Train Wreck

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.

–R Train

Overheard by: Mezz

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.

–B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off… (makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Amused passenger

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Luke Skywalker

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.

–G Train

Overheard by: El David

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon… (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

But Taking You to Jersey Is Punishment Enough

Teenage girl: What stop do we get off at again?
Mom: Brick Church.
Teenage girl: What?
Mom: Brick Church.
Teenage girl: Brick?
Mom: Yes, as in “I want to throw a brick at you.”

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Sharing the Same Sentiment

Am I the Only One Who Has Trouble Getting Off?

Conductor (after doors close at Rector St): If you are in the last five cars you will not be getting off at South Ferry. (train starts to move) Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Shoulda listened to directions.
Passenger: Is anyone else hearing this?

–1 Train

Overheard by: ryn

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