Wednesday One-Liners Have More Stomachs Than a Cow

Teen boy: I like touching fat people.

–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CUMT

Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!

–25th & 8th

Overheard by: Beckerman

Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.

–34th & 5th

Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!

–35rd St & 5th Ave

Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."

–Theater, St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on September 4, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Boys, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Education, Friends, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Teens, Theater, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

It's a Sad World Where Creepy Men Can't Talk to Children

Creepy hobo: Oh, you got some ice water, that looks good.
Preschool girl who has just pulled out water bottle: (gives him look)
Preschool teacher: Jasmine, put your water away!
Creepy hobo: She just wants some ice water.
Preschool teacher: Jasmine, do you know that man? Are you talking to him?
Preschool girl: No, he was talkin' to me!
Creepy hobo: We was just talkin' about ice water, nothin' wrong with that.

–N Train

Overheard by: Natalie

Posted on August 31, 2014
Creepsters, Drinks, Education, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, On the Subway, Students, Teachers/Professors

I Also Know That Because Of Gym Class. Don't Ask.

High school kid #1: Why are you in chemistry?
High school kid #2: So I can learn what is in medicine. It is much more important than physics.
High school kid #1: No, I know how piss is made in the body. That's all physics. I know how piss is made, because of physics. And you don't.

–E Train

Posted on August 30, 2014
Education, Frat Boys, Medicine, On the Subway, Pee, Questions, School and studying, Science

Because Then You’re No Better Than the Students

Professor guy: What is “piecemeal legislation”?
Dude: Um…
Professor guy: Well, define the term “piecemeal”.
Dude: I’m not familiar with that word.
Professor guy: …Why don’t I just commit suicide right now?

–NYU, University & 8th

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Posted on August 27, 2014
Academics, Education, NYU, School, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Village

Well, Nobody’s Perfect

Teacher: Who remembers Some Like It Hot?
Student: Isn’t that the one where in the end they’re all on a boat and it blows up?

–Cinema Studies class, NYU

Overheard by: Andrew Jacobs

Posted on August 26, 2014
Education, Idiots, Movies, NYU, Students, Teachers/Professors, Violence

And Sometimes Pre-Mustard

Film professor: What kind of movie causes a bodily reaction?
Student:… Pornography?
Film professor: And what does pornography cause your body to produce?
Student, after long pause: Bodily… fluids?
Film professor: Otherwise known as… Cum!

–Columbia Universtiy

Posted on August 25, 2014
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cum, Default, Education, Movies, Porn, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors, Words

I’ll Have What She’s Drinking

Eight-year-old girl drinking margarita: My daddy taught me in kindergarten, if any boys treat me like s-h-i-t, kick them in the dick!
[Five minutes later.]Eight-year-old girl: I’m gonna kill myself!

–Mexican Restaurant near Union Square

Posted on August 22, 2014
Default, Education, Gender issues, Girls, Kick, Kids, Parents, Penis, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Suicide, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

They Start Out with 1, 2 and 3, but They Just Will Not Stop

Girl: That’s funny, I thought you were a finance major.
Guy: I couldn’t stand it. It’s like… numbers and shit.

–6 train

Posted on August 18, 2014
Default, Education, Gripes, Guys, On the Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Are History, Dude

Guy holding baby: I’ve decided I’m going to write a pop-up history of the ancient world, based on Herodotus. Should be great for babies.

–Strand Bookstore

American history tutor: The only dictator I know of is Hugo Chavez, and that’s because I met him.

–Jake’s Saloon, 57th & 10th

Overheard by: poor kid’s gonna fail that test

Rich mom with two kids: … And it was named after our country’s first president, Christopher Columbus.

–117th & Broadway

Overheard by: doesn’t get columbus day off

Guy to friend: If I can make it through the ’80s, I can make it through anything.

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: squishduck

Professor: Sigismondo Malatesta was the only person in history to ever be publicly consigned to Hell by the pope. Now, that’s when a pope was a pope. I wish the pope would just get on TV and say, ‘You’re going to Hell!’

–Fordham University – Rose Hill

Overheard by: Christina

Guy: Wait, have I ever told you guys about my irrational fear of the late 1800s?

–NYU dorm

Overheard by: Danimal

Posted on August 9, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Books & Writing, Christianity, Church, Dads, Default, Education, Fears, Fordham, Friends, God Squad, Guys, History & Geography, Idiots, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYU, Rich people, Stupidity, Sweat, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Education