It’s Funny ’til Somebody Breaks Their Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can’t wait! I can’t wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.

–86th & Broadway

Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don’t knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.

–6 train

Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman’s comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.

–4 train

Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital’s closed on Christmas…

–8th & Broadway

Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you’re it!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Kyle

Posted on August 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Health and Hygiene, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

This Is Not a Hard Problem

50-something yuppie guy to another: My wife just doesn't understand that men go through menopause too. It's not just a woman's problem. These past few months I can tell that I've begun my menopause.
Teenage girl sitting across from two yuppies: I'm pretty sure they call what you're going through “erectile dysfunction.”

–F Train

Overheard by: Sophia

Posted on August 11, 2015
Age/Aging, Comebacks, Erections, Family Ties, Gender issues, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway, Penis, Teens, Yuppies

Goats Will Eat Anything

Visitor lady #1: What was the name of your vibrator? Was it Pedro or Paco?
Visitor lady #2: No, it was my first one: Sergei.
Visitor lady #1: What? Why did I say Pedro? Where did that come from?
Patient guy: …My first goat‘s name was Pedro.

–Mount Sinai Rehabilitation Center, Gustave Levy Place

Overheard by: Lindroid

Posted on August 10, 2015
Animals & Nature, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Upper East Side, We Love Our Pets

…You're Of the Legal Age to Consent, Right?

Woman looking at BlackBerry: I'm ovulating.
(friend nods)
Woman looking at BlackBerry: So I just need to have sex today.
(later, with little boy)
Woman: Hey, honey!

–Central Park Petting Zoo

Posted on August 9, 2015
Central Park, Friends, Health and Hygiene, Parks, Sex, Women

It’s Important to Have a Cause

Puerto Rican thug #1: Man, you gotta wash yo’ hands before you touch yo’ dick, man. You don’t know what’s on ’em. Don King said that.
Puerto Rican thug #2: True that. Yo… Don King said that?
Puerto Rican thug #1: Yeah, with the hair.

–Restroom, Sony Wonder Lab, Madison Ave

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on August 4, 2015
About Celebrities, Advice, Cleanliness, Health and Hygiene, Penis, Puerto Ricans, Stall Spies, Thugs

The Question On Everybody’s Lips

Guy #1: Aw…
Guy #2: What happened?
Guy #1: That Terri Schiavo, the one with the feeding tube. She died.
Guy #2: Yeah, that’s too bad…I wonder what would happen if you were to blow air through the feeding tube. Do you think she would fart?

–The Westminster lobby, 20th & 7th

Posted on August 4, 2015
About Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Death, Farting & Burping, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hotels

You Get Out the Candles to Cleanse Their Chi

Baggage handler #1: The flight from Bombay is delayed.
Baggage handler #2: I'll have the Lysol ready to spray them down.

–JFK International Arrivals Terminal 3

Posted on August 4, 2015
Airports, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Health and Hygiene, JFK Airport, Public Transportation

The Olde English So You Can Rest Medicine

Drunk dude: Do you guys have any change?
Sober dude: No.
Drunk guy: I just want to get a 40. I had one but it accidentally broke on my head. Which sucks real bad! I just need to get a 40 so I can sleep.

–Clinton & Stanton

Overheard by: chite

Posted on August 4, 2015
Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Lower East Side, Money & Class, Wishes & desires

Wednesday Onesie Liners

Woman on cell, loudly: No, no, my baby's getting fixed that day!

–5th Ave

Yuppie thug in three-piece suit, loudly on cell while riding escalator: So you sayin' it's mines? How you know it's mines? Naw naw, how you know? Bitch, kiss my ass! If they ain't been no muh-fuckin DNA test, then they ain't been no baby sprung up outta my dick! I ain't no adoption agency!

–Borders, Penn Station

Overheard by: IJustWanttoBrowseMadonna'sBrother'sTell-AllinPeace

20-something male on cell: What did I tell you about having sex with people who have babymama problems? That's why I gave up my crush on Bristol Palin.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Topical

Black lady with stroller: Ohhh, no. All y'all are not fitting into this car. Stop pushin' up on my baby. Y'all need to back that shit up now. (baby starts crying) What do you want? What do you want? Are you having hot flashes? Cause I know I am. Jesus!

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Alie

Black woman: Of all his babymamas, why he alway bothering her? He has all these babymamas and he's always bugging her. She must still be puttin' out.

–34th & Broadway

Very young pregnant woman purchasing cigarettes on: What the hell kind of difference does what you eat have on what kind of baby you have?

–Nostrand & Dean, Crown Heights

Overheard by: Siobhan

Posted on August 3, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Baby Mama/Daddy, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Penn Station, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Sex, Should've Used a Condom, Smoking, Store, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

Health and Hygiene