Hobos

Lindsay Reps Her Own Urine These Days

Hobo putting hand on Justin Timberlake look-alike’s shoulder: Oh, shit! It’s Justin Timberlake, everybody!
Look-alike: Uh, what?
Tourist teenybopper: Can I have your autograph, please?
Look-alike: I’m not Justin Timberlake.
Tourist teenybopper: But you are.
Hobo, to look-alike: Dude, you work with me here, okay? We’ll do business. [To train] Ten bucks for Justin Timberlake’s autograph, everyone! For 20 bucks he’ll dance for you.
Tourist teenybopper: I have five dollars…
Hobo: We’re in business!
Look-alike: I’m going to kill you.
Hobo, to look-alike: Damn, this is the best plan I’ve ever come up with! Except for the time I tried to sell Lindsay Lohan’s piss for 20 bucks. Well, it was actually my own piss. I think God put me on this Earth to fuck with people.

–4 train

The Secret Is to Keep the Volume Down

Girl: What do you think he would do if I pushed his cart over?
Hobo: Bitch, I don’t care if you’re a girl, I’ll beat your ass.

–Carroll St & 7th Ave, Brooklyn

And by “Do” I Mean “Steal Your Money and Jerk Off on Your Shoe”

Girl to friend: Fucking prick!
Hobo: Girl, you nasty. You nasty, but I’d still do ya.

–6 train platform, 33rd St

If Only That Worked with Ashlee Simpson

Hobo, singing: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was…
Man, holding out dollar: I will give you one dollar to shut the fuck up.
Hobo: (shuts up)

–14th St Subway Station

They’re Busy Being Cold and Hungry, Douche

Girl: How can homeless people even afford to ride the subway?
Guy: I wonder if they think of their MetroCard as a business investment.

–N train

Overheard by: Daniel Motta

Gums and Cum: Perfect Together

Toothless bag lady: I don’t know what it is with this town anymore. I guess no one likes blowjobs. I give great blowjobs! Maybe I’m charging too much.
Cop: What are you charging?
Toothless bag lady: $100.
Cop: That’s pretty steep…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Spiney

If It’s Invisible, Might As Well Make It a Cell

A hobo is talking into his hand as if it were a phone.

Hobo: Fuck that shit. I’m going dancing!

He hangs up his imaginary phone.

Hobo: Damn, that bitch talks too much.

–Staten Island ferry

Be a Good Sport, Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor, on loudspeaker: Please note, you heard it here first: I’m watching the Super Bowl only for the commercials. The Giants are going to be so far ahead of… the other team… it’ll be a boring game. We gonna whoop them by at least 15, 20 points. But the commercials are going to be great!

–A train

Overheard by: love this conductor!

Blind hobo to no one: You know why black basketball players are better than white ones? Because Jesus was black, so they’re like Jesus!

–1 train

Black teen girl, to three teen boys: Super Bowl! Super bowl?! What the hell does that mean, ‘a Super Bowl’? Didn’t you ever think about how stupid that is?!

–F train, 4th Ave

Overheard by: Theresa

Eight-year-old boy: You can’t have a Cowboys game without the cheerleaders. There go half the male ticket holders.

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Guy who is clearly not Eli Manning: What do I do? My name is Eli Manning, and I play for the New York Giants.

–Upper West Side

Guy randomly wipes out on the sidewalk, flat on his stomach with arms stretched out in front of him. Everyone stares.

Nearby cop: Safe!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: Bananaphone

Fun with the Homeless

Two hobos are having a quarrel.

Bum: No, no, man, we can’t fuck each other; we gotta find two women to fuck!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

And a Man I Can Pee With!

Frustrated hobo: What are you looking for?
Batty bag lady: A car!
Frustrated hobo: Well, what kind of car?
Batty bag lady: A car I can pee between!

–Eldridge & Broome

Overheard by: Nic

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