NYU ditz #1: So, this hobo on the train is selling Paris Hilton’s urine as perfume! It was all yellow in a jar and he was like, ‘Yeah, she took a piss and I’ve got it to sell – 20 bucks a pop.’
NYU ditz #2: No freaking way – what did it smell like?
NYU ditz #1: Like urine – I just can’t believe he collected her urine… [Baffled pause] You think it was really hers? I love Paris Hilton!
–Starbucks corner, Washington Square
Man on cell: What do we got?
Hobo: Get broke and die, that’s what we got!
A minute later.
Woman passerby: Who?
Hobo: My dick, that’s who!
–Jane & 8th
Overheard by: yassira
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: What?
Girl #1: Do you vaguely resemble an elephant?
Girl #2: I have no idea.
Girl #1: So you’re not Snuffleupagus?
Girl #2: No, I’m not.
Hobo: Ask her if she’s horny!
Girl #1: Are you an actor?
Girl #2: No.
Hobo: Ask her if she’s horny!
Girl #1: Dammit, um–
Hobo: You might be surprised!
–1 train
Overheard by: emzor
Hobo #1: ‘Nigger’ is the new ‘fuck.’
Hobo #2: Say what, nigga?
Hobo #1: I say ‘nigger’ is the new ‘fuck.’
Hobo #2: What you talkin’ ’bout, muthafuckah?
Hobo #1: Used to be, you wanna shock people, you say ‘fuck.’ ‘Fuck’ don’t shock nobody no mo’. E’rybody say ‘fuck’ now. But you say ‘nigger’ and motherfuckers be divin’ under tables, people lose they jobs, lawsuits be flyin’ every which-a-way…
Hobo #2: That’s only white people, man.
–E 157th & Walton, Bronx
Overheard by: Big Larry
Girl: Omigod! I saw you on the internet!
Hobo: You’re like the hundredth person to tell me that tonight.
–Central Park
(cf. this entry.)
Yuppie woman, bumping into hobo: Oh, I'm sorry!
Hobo, turning around and following her: That's okay! This is fucking New York! Don't apologize! Bitches be knocking into everyone all the time!
–3rd Ave & 13th St
Hobo: I’ll bet you think I spent all my money on crack and alcohol.
Guy: Probably.
Hobo: Well, you’re right. But I’ve learned my lesson. Now I want to spend your money on crack and alcohol.
–E train
Hobo #1: Hey, how's it going?
Hobo #2: Okay.
Hobo #1: I'll call you tonight!
Hobo #2: I don't have a phone.
Hobo #1: I know.
–Astoria
Overheard by: Natalie
Cop: You gotta keep moving.
Vagrant: But it's free…it's a free…
Cop: No. It ain't.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jason Scott
Bag lady: …but I got 33 days credit.
Hobo: Yeah, but you know if you get locked up again, you’re gonna be there for 60.
Bad lady: I know, then I’ll do half.
Hobo: I can’t believe that guy did that to you. I’m gonna set him up like a bowling pin. And you know what happens to bowling pins: they get knocked out.
–Staten Island Railway
Overheard by: David D.
