Insults

WedNRAsday One-Liners

Man in bar, with the air of explaining a very simple concept: We need to shoot every fucking robber in the head, right? Then there would be no robbers.

–Midtown

Mom to son picking leaves off a potted plant: You better stop doing that or else they'll shoot you.

–Roosevelt Island Golf Center

Overheard by: erak

40-something female suit: I'm looking for a particular kind of venom for my blow-gun darts.

–The High Line

60-something woman to two admiring 30-something women: My body no longer produces estrogen and I carry a gun in my purse… Who's going to mess with me?

–Prince & Sullivan

We Prefer “The Sittin' Squad,” But Yeah.

Suit, blocking newly vacated seat and motioning to young woman at other end of the car: Would you like to sit?
Older woman, closer to the seat: Who the fuck is he… The seat police?

–5 Train

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

I'll Take That As a Compliment.

Incredibly loud old black woman with cane, addressing two teenage boys with ponytails: Hey! You both got long hair! Are you faggots?
Boys, laughing: Nah, nah.
Loud black woman: You like dick?
Boy #1: Nah, we good.
Loud black woman: So you like pussy?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Yeah, we like pussy.
Random eavesdropping guy: I like pussy!
Loud black woman to boy #1: You a handsome motherfucker. You sure you don't like dick?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Loud black woman: Good. If you was a faggot I'd stick my cane up your ass.

–Uptown 1 Train

You're a Lot Of Fucking Work, Jason

Guy #1: I don't think you're retarded, you're just a douche.
Guy #2: Wait, but you say I'm retarded all the time!
Guy #3: You're just retarded in some ways.
Guy #2: I really don't think you're underestimating me enough.

–Elevator, Weinstein Hall, NYU

…and Your Little Dog, Too!

Old black woman on bicycle with yapping dog in basket: Get out of the way! Get the fuck out of the way! Get out of the way, white fuckers!
White man standing in street: Fuck you, you… non-white person!

–NYU

Men: Encapsulated.

Guy #1: Badda bing! Bang up the asshole!
Guys #1,#2 and #3: Ahahahahhaha!

–Central Park West & 82nd St

Overheard by: Tati

But Can We Pretend It's Ice Cream?

Girl to friend: Then to make up for our fat asses we'll walk all the way back with our frozen yogurt.
Friend: Good idea, we are fat asses.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rick

How Dare He Have a Life?

Girl #1: Yeah, we went on a date last night but I don't think it's going to work out because he'll be out of town on my birthday.
Girl #2: Asshole.

–NYU

Overheard by: Natalie

…With the Special Sperm Pocket?

Female employee to coworkers: Oh my god, you guys! I've got this customer on the phone looking for a fertility jacket! I'm going crazy looking… What the fuck is a fertility jacket?
Male employee: Tina*, you mean a “utility” jacket?

–Bloomingdale's, Soho

Hey, at Least I Know His Name

Flamboyantly gay guy: So, did you decide whom you like better?
Girl: No. They're both so smart and funny and nice. I mean, you met Jim*, right? What did you think? He's cool, right?
Flamboyantly gay guy: He's definitely cool.
Girl, sighing: But so is Tom*! I don't know. But I do have to choose 'cause Tom is putting pressure on me.
Flamboyantly gay guy: Just answer this one question and you'll have the matter settled–whose dick is better?
Girl, shocked at first, but then earnestly: Oh, well… I've only seen Jim's.
Flamboyantly gay guy: You slept with Jim already?! Slut!

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

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