Wednesday One-Liners Hope You’re Not a Cop

Man on cell: After I dropped Benny off at school I stopped by that harem.

–5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Nerd

Old bald guy looking at Asian call girl section in newspaper, on cell, speaking very slowly and very loudly: Do… You… Take… Veee-saaaah. Veee-saaaah. Veeee-saaaaah! Yes! Visa! No? Okay, thanks. [Same exact dialogue takes place three more times.] Bingo!

–Milford Hotel

Overheard by: not an asian call girl

Guy: I’m a good Jewish son -I got 90% off on a hooker!

–Central Park

Guy on cell: Man, I love hookers. My friend just told me about Craig’s list. Shit, there’s like 5,000 hookers on Craig’s list. I love that shit.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: who knew?

Guido in leather jacket, to suit: So did anything ever happen with the whore?

–39th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Asian girl to friend: As long as I’m slutting myself out, I might as well get paid for it!

–22nd & 9th

Overheard by: Kate

Posted on December 18, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Brooklyn, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compliments, Family Ties, Fordham, Friends, Girls, Guidos, Guys, Happiness, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Judaism, Language Barrier, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Orgy, Prostitution, Questions, Weirdness

New Yorkers, Unfiltered.

Hobo: Hey man, can I have a cigarette?
Jewish smoker: No, sorry, I'm running low.
Hobo: No, you just don't wanna give me a cig 'cause you're a Jew.
Jewish smoker: Why can't you afford your own cigarettes? Is it cause you're black?

–9th Ave & 18th St

Posted on December 15, 2014
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Hobos, Jews, Judaism, Offers and requests, Questions, Race, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking, Stupidity, Wishes & desires

Wasn’t There Some Kind Of Angel with a Turkey Baster?

Teen girl: You know what I don’t get?
Preppy friend: What?
Teen girl: If Mary was a virgin, how did she get pregnant?
Preppy friend: Uh…I think a white dove came down and landed on her.
Teen girl: … And where did it land?
Preppy friend: On her shoulder.
Teen girl: So a dove–
Preppy friend: A white dove. Impregnated mary on her shoulder. Yeah.
Teen girl: Who told you that?
Preppy friend: Sara, in Geometry.
Teen girl: … Sara is Jewish, you idiot!

–McDonald’s, Park Ave

Posted on December 15, 2014
Birds, Christianity, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Judaism, Lies, Preppies, Questions, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Stupidity, Teens

Wednesday One-liners Call a Mohel

Italian man: Did you see that Along Came Polly? Bah! Pile of shit! It has that Jew actor. Ben Stiller. You know Ben Stiller? From the Dodgeball movie? It’s the one where they throw the balls at each other. Now that movie’s pretty good! That movie you should see!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Katy K

Posted on December 13, 2014
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Guidos, Idiots, Judaism, Movies

Are You Supposed to Tell Me That?

Girl: I haven't seen you in a while.
NYU security guard: Witness protection program. It's like a Bar Mitzvah for Italians.

–NYU

Posted on December 3, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Girls, Judaism, NYU, Security Guards, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Tiaras

JAP, reflecting: I think I might be a drug dealer.

–Spot’s Café

JAP: Yeah! I went to Israel this summer! And they all looked at me like I was an idiot! They don’t have Uggs there… They don’t have burgers… They don’t have loosies!

–Hunter College

Jappy teen: I’ve never done anything for society and I’ve done just fine.

–University & 12th

JAP: Bitch, "Jewish" is a religion!

–17th & 6th

NYU JAP: I told my dad that I couldn’t go to the scholarship fair because I had to get my nails done, and I think we’re still in a fight!

–Goddard Hall, NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Maya G.

Jappy girl to friend: [Sighs.] I’m losing faith in humanity, one orgasm at a time.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ponine

Posted on November 27, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drugs, Food, Friends, Girls, Global Geography, Hunter, JAPs, Jobs & Careers, Judaism, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On the Subway, Orgasm, Parents, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, The Village, Travel, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners in Elbow-Patch Blazers

Professor: So I told my grad students they could have an A if they earned it, or if they beat me in a 12-minute cage fight.

–Fordham Universityy

Israeli politics professor, after class: There's enough Tylenol out there to take care of your hangovers after Purim. So, all your sorry little asses better be in this class at three o'clock, Wednesday afternoon.

–Yeshiva University

English professor: Yeah, the end of the poem relates to the beginning. Every good poem has a return… just like a good walk.

–Hunter college

Professor: Of course there was marital harmony! As we all know, the family who cuts drugs together, stays together.

–Fordham Law School

Overheard by: EntertainedStudent

Professor: An example of synecdoche would be, "get your ass over here." You want all of them, not just their ass. But sometimes, you do just want their ass. And we all know how that goes. But that sort of thing doesn't happen in a classroom… usually.

–NYU

Overheard by: queenofscots

Posted on November 26, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Backdoor, Books & Writing, Classroom, College, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Education, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Fordham, Health and Hygiene, Hunter, Judaism, Marriage, Medicine, NYU, One-liners, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

I Couldn’t Get in the Door in My Angel of Death Costume

Kid #1: Yo, it would be awesome to go trick-or-treat here tonight.
Kid #2: Idiot, Jews have Halloween in April or something.

–Kosher candy store

Posted on November 22, 2014
Judaism, Kids, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

He’s Not Allowed to Give Directions on Saturday

Tourist guy: Excuse me, do you know how to get to the PATH train?
Hasidic man: Are you Jewish?
Tourist guy: No.
Hasidic man: Ask the policeman.

–42nd & 6th

Overheard by: B. McClintock

Posted on November 14, 2014
Directions, Jews, Judaism, Times Square, Tourists

Christ, He’s Still Not Quite Getting It

Man #1: I went to confession, to a priest. I unloaded some pretty bad things I done. He was a Jesuit, this priest was. He knew I was feeling bad, so he told me not to be hard on myself, that God loves me no matter what. Then he said God loves all of us, that he loved Hitler just as much as the Blessed Mother.
Man #2: That’s some pretty heavy shit. I’ll tell you this, if I were that priest I wouldn’t say that at a synagogue.
Man #1: Jeez, I didn’t think of that.

–Carnegie Deli, 7th Avenue

Posted on November 11, 2014
Catholics, Christianity, Delis, Friends, God, History & Geography, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

Judaism