Little boy: Mommy, can’t you just walk off breast cancer?
Mom, screaming: No!
–Houston & Broadway
Five-year-old girl in the men’s bathroom: Hey everybody! Look! I have fat poopies!
–New Dance Group, West 38th St
Random chick: She’s gonna be all over me for shitting today.
–Outside Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl: I so should have taken a dump in that toilet!
–14th & 4th
High school boy: I literally walked in the bathroom and saw like, someone took a dump on the floor; and it was more than one person! And I was just like, wow, is this a new trend or something?
–Fresh Meadows, Queens
Overheard by: Caro-kun
18-year-old CPR/AED instructor on using a defibrillator: …if you’re touching the person when you administer the shock, it won’t kill you, but you might poo a little.
–50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Chick: Welp, I am ready to have diarrhea now!
–2nd Ave & 11th
Mom to four-year-old being picked on by brother: Tell him to leave you alone.
Four-year-old: Leave me the fuck ‘lone!
Mom: Hey! Watch your mouth.
Four-year-old: I’m gonna fuck ‘im up.
–Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: ryn
Little kid: Mommy, what is that smell?
Mom: Yes, dear. There are all kinds of smells in NYC! Is the smell bad!?
Little kid: Yes!
–51st St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mena Mansour
Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!
–28th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!
–4 Train
Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.
–LIRR
Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.
–72nd & Columbus
Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?
–LaGuardia Airport
Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.
–Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Robert
Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.
–Amsterdam Projects
Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."
–Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Jynx
Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Krisztina
Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.
–W Hotel, 49th & Lex
Overheard by: Miami Hitman
Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!
–M16 Bus
Overheard by: nora!
Kids: Ewwwwwww!!
Man with them: What about aliens?
Kids: Ewwww! Everyone knows they poop all over themselves. Poop alllllll over themselves! Ewwwwww!
–Frederick Douglass & 124th
Met guard: Don’t touch that [Points to ancient Greek statue.]Little girl: Not even a little?
Met guard: Not even a little.
[Pause.]Little girl: Not even a little little?
Met guard: Vera, stop.
Little girl: Ok. No touching. Got it. [Sticks out her tongue and gives the marble a long, slow, slobbering lick.]
–The Metropolitan Museum of Art
Overheard by: Brendan
Four-year-old girl, riding waspy dad’s shoulders: Daddy, are housing prices going to go down any time soon?
Dad: I sure as hell hope so.
–187th & Broadway
Overheard by: trump-i-poo
Eight-year-old Italian boy: My god… My god isn’t Allah, right?
Teenage sister: You don’t have a god.
Eight-year-old Italian boy, screaming: Yes I do!
–30th Ave & Crescent St, Astoria
Overheard by: Regardless, he surely has a beard
