Man’s Best Friend

Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner

Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.

–Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: EA

Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.

–West Village

Lady on cell: Yeah, I’m really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Debbie

Woman: I’d rather eat homeless person’s cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.

–Clinton & Stanton

Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There’s just something unattractive about them.

–Bus to Penn Station

Mother to screaming child: If you don’t stop crying I am going to eat you!

–100th & Broadway

Overheard by: briana

Bouncer to girl showing ID: You’re so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal… and eat your ass.

–West Village

Overheard by: RBNY

Costello’s Reincarnation Seeks a New Partner

Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: What?
Woman: Is that Perhaps?
Man: “Perhaps“?
Woman: Yeah, there’s this dog called Perhaps that hangs around here. Yours looks just like it.

–Carl Schurz Park, Upper East Side

Overheard by: guillermo echevarria

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liner

Slightly thugged-out guy, rapping to little white poodle: Li'l coco! You's a muthafuckin' beast, yo! Li'l coco! Yeah!

–Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: John Bender

Guy to dog: Lady, it's just me! There's only me!

–77th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Big burly guy to tiny yorkie, as it sniffs tree and walks away: Well, thanks for that false alarm.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Upper West Side lady to little pampered dog with sweater: It's okay, baby, you can talk.

–80th Ave & Columbus

Hipster dog walker, whispering to herd of dachsunds: Mushhhhh…

–Central Park

Remember That Oath Your Kindergarten Class Took at Bloomingdale's

Precocious little girl: Mom, that lady is grooming the dog groomer!
Pretentious mom: That makes sense. Do you see how some of the dog show women dress themselves? Would you want to be caught dead in some of their clothes and makeup?
Precocious little girl: No.

–Westminster Dog Show Grooming Area

Overheard by: Wouldn't Be Caught Dead Either

Who Needs a Kid If You’ve Got a Puppy?

Little girl: Mommy, that guy has a puppy in his car!
Mommy: How many times do I have to tell you that is the first temptation to kidnap you, stupid!

–Astoria

Overheard by: GeeGoo

Those SOBs Probably Had It Coming

Guy #1: Well, you know, I am a Mets fan.
Guy #2: Dude, then you’re okay in my book. You could murder puppies and that’s okay so long as you’re a Mets fan!
Guy #3: Um, he does.
Guy #2: Exactly! You can totally murder puppies if you’re a Mets fan!
Guy #3: No, he really does.
Guy #2: Totally!
Guy #3: He’s a vet.
Guy #1: I am.

–Party, 74th & 1st

And, the Way You Go Through Rabbits, That's a Big Threat

Six-year-old girl to dog (repeatedly): High-five! High-five! High-five!
(dog dodges her and owner ignores her)
Girl's grandmother, excitedly: I just know, in my heart of hearts, she's going to be a veterinarian when she grows up. She just loves animals so much! Even our little rabbits she carries around…I just know she's going to be a veterinarian!
(dog's owner goes to counter to check out)
Grandmother: Okay, honey, it's time to let the man check out. Let's go.
Girl, leaving dog: High-five! High-five! High-five! (passes gum ball machine) Oooh, gum ball! (begins putting money in)
Grandmother: If you put money in there, I'll never get you anything ever again.

–Blockbuster, Flatbush & 8th Ave

Overheard by: smoon

Does Any New Yorker Not Want to Go Into Show Business?

Cop with hat tucked under arm to K-9 dog: Arooo-ooo-ooo!
K-9 dog: Ooouu-ooo-ooo!
Cop: Ouw-ouw-ouw!
K-9 dog: Arooo-ouw-ouw!
Cop and K-9 dog, in harmony: Ouw-ouw-ooooo!
Old man, putting $1 in cop's hat: Excellent.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Thomas

At the Very Least That Dog’s Pretty Smart

A blind woman and her dog are making their way into a Duane Reade through the “Out” door, with difficulty to keep the door open. Behind them is a WASP lady, waiting to get in.

Blind woman: Good, good, now make a hard left, to the counter, to the counter.
WASP lady: Idiots.

–74th & 3rd

Okay, Now You Can Go

Fat guy: Just because you have a bus pass doesn’t mean you can go to the liquor store while I wait.
Small Asian girlfriend: Here, have a devil dog.

–Grand & Greene Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: megan m

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