Wednesday One-Liners for the Thirteen-Year-Old in Everyone

Girl to friend: Whenever I get a really big booger, I feed it to the dog.

–Apartment Building, Midtown

Girl: And the doctor asked if she'd gone down on anyone lately, and she said "yeah, and when I was doing it, all these little bumps kept falling off in my mouth," and the doctor said "you have genital warts in your throat."

–L Train

Overheard by: atrain

Man on cell: And he opened a can of worms, ate the whole thing and then spit it all into his friend's mouth. We were dry heaving. But everyone just looked at us weird.

–1st & 15th

Overheard by: Angela

Preteen boy on cell: (belches) Huh? (belches again, loudly) What did you say? I can't hear you, I'm burping.

–77th & 2nd

Girl to friend: My dad would say, "don't send her chocolate, it makes mucus."

–W 24th St & 10th Ave

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Posted on September 16, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Excretions, Farting & Burping, Food, Friends, Girls, Height, Man's Best Friend, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, STDs, Stupidity, Tweens, Upper East Side, Weirdness

It’s All Greek to Me

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee.

–Midtown office

Posted on September 8, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Babies, Foreigners, Grocery Stores, Ground Zero, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Office, On Cell, On the Bus, People, Places, Poop, Pop Culture, Port Authority, Queens, Shoot, Suits, Times Square, Topics, TV, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence, Women

So, Easier to Live with Than You?

Curious spectator: Are greyhounds easy to live with?
Greyhound owner: Honey, in the past forty years, I've had three husbands and only one breed of dog!

–Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show

Overheard by: Another Greyhound Lover

Posted on August 5, 2020
Compare/Contrast, Man's Best Friend, Marriage, Parades & Festitivites, Questions, Strangers, Time

Circumcision Peels the Potato; Neutering Juliennes It

Man: We had him circumcised.
Woman: Circumcised?
Man: Yeah, whatever you do with dogs. You know…
Woman: Neutered?
Man: Isn't that the same thing?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Nettle

Posted on August 3, 2020
Central Park, Health and Hygiene, Man's Best Friend, Men, Parks, Private Parts, Questions, Women, Words

Wednesday One-liners Spell It “Aminals”

Guy: …and he had, like, shark teeth! Three fucking rows of them! I swear.

–Fulton & Gold

Posted on June 18, 2020
Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Backdoor, Body Parts, Breaking Up, College, Crime and Punishment, Death, Fordham, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Poop, Pop Culture, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Suits, The Bronx, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, We Love Our Pets

Wednesday One-liners, American Idols

Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s like, actually walking down the street!

–Magnolia Bakery

Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear

JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband!

–The Prime Grill, 49th Street

Twentysomething woman on cell: I’m gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore’s dog.

–in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave

Posted on November 13, 2019
About Celebrities, Animals & Nature, Getting Jolie'd, JAPs, Jews, Man's Best Friend, Manhattan, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, One-liners, Pop Culture, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Tourists, We Love Our Pets

A New York Moment

A woman has a chihuahua in her purse. An old man enters the train.

Old man: Cute dog. Do you take him everywhere?
Woman: Uh huh. We saw Spider-man yesterday.
Old man: You saw Spider-man yesterday?
Woman: Yeah.
Old man: How did you like it?
Woman: Oh, you know. It is what it is.
Old man: Not that great, huh? Ha, ha. Well, take care.

The man leaves the train. The woman looks down at her dog.

Woman: That was weird.

–V Train

Posted on November 10, 2019
Animals & Nature, Crazies, Man's Best Friend, Movies, Old People, On the Subway, People, Places, We Love Our Pets

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Queer, to his German Shepherd: Steven, don’t play these mind games with me!

–23rd & 8th

Man, restraining his dog from following another dog across the street: C’mon, buddy. It wasn’t meant to be.

–6th St & 7th Ave, Park Slope

Woman dragging her dog away from another dog who is barking frantically: You know what? You’re just cuter than her. That’s why she’s so upset.

–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: sara n.

Cop to his whining German Shepherd: Awww, what’s wrong baby? Did you see an asshole?

–West 4th Station

Posted on October 12, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Cops, Gay Man's Best Friend, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Park Slope, Queer guys, Questions, The Village, Women, Words

The End Of Western Civilization: An OINY Short Story.

Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “retards” and there was this one called “retarded Britney Spears fan.” It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “extreme pain”? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eating pussy.” You'll get a million hits!

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on October 8, 2019
Brooklyn, Gay Man's Best Friend, Internet, Lawyers, Licking, Man's Best Friend, Music, Penis, Poop, Questions, Retardation, Singing, Time, Vagina, Words

The Cooties Appear to Have Gone to His Brain

Four-year-old #1: Ice cream makes your head fall off.
Four-year-old #2: No, it doesn’t.
Four-year-old #1: It was just an expression, asshole.
Four-year-old #2, to his dog: Don’t let him pet you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: amused tourist

Posted on October 1, 2019
Advice, Boys, Central Park, Food, Kids, Man's Best Friend, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Threats, Words

Man’s Best Friend