Men

Wednesday One-Liners Are Next to Godliness

Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.

–54th & Broadway

Overheard by: J-Dawg

Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?

–Columbia Bathroom

Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.

–34 Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: truly confused

Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!

–2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves

Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?

–C Train

Overheard by: Davis Baker

Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit!

–Broadway & Great Jones

Overheard by: Jon A.

Where My Wednesday One-Liners At?

Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don’t change a thing! I can hold shit and you can’t cause you don’t got thumbs, bitch!

–Union Square Dog Park

Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don’t understand it. Why won’t you talk to me?

–W 225th St

Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we’ll go to the park.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: tb

Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It’s a temporary separation.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You’re too fuckin’ beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won’t treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course… with a side of flied lice. Look forward!

–19th St

Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead

Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I’m gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn’t work.

–29th b/w 7th & 8th

I Was Told There Would Be No Wednesday One-Liners on This Exam

Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.

–Times Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Billy

Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!

–34th & Broadway

Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.

Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.

–Midwood, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Feliz Navidad

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.

–Waverly & Broadway

Overheard by: Kyla

The Girly Bits Of Wednesday One-Liners

Young man in small crowd: Honestly, the vaginas I’ve seen in real life are nowhere near as bad as the vaginas I’ve seen in med school.

–86th & Columbus

Overheard by: Stacey

Girl: I feel like the male anatomy is so much more straightforward. The vag is hard to master.

–Fordham University

20-something girl: If he’s gonna be such a whiny vagina about you being safe about your vagina, then you shouldn’t be sleeping with him anyways.

–NYU Dorm

Teenage boy, eating a sandwich: He said no mayonnaise. It tastes like a big vagina.

–63rd Drive & Queens Boulevard

Hobo: And then the woman just sucked it all into her vagina.

–44th & 7th

Overheard by: The One

Frantic Asian guy, running across the street in front of Worldwide Plaza: Yeah… Yeah… But whose vagina?"

–9th Ave & 50th St

Overheard by: tinyfoo

I’ve Memorized All of Chewbacca’s Dialogue

Man in kilt #1: It was very strange.
Man in kilt #2: Yah! He came up to me and went rawwwrrr just like Chewbacca in the third Star Wars.
Man in kilt #1: What’s Star Wars?

–43rd & 7th

Overheard by: Laughs at Kilts

And You Should Know You’re Not Skinny

Man: Skinny bitch.
Employee: Excuse me??
Man: Skinny bitch.
Employee: Um, if you’re looking for the book, you should ask at the information desk.
[Man walks in opposite direction.]Employee: Next time, you might want to preface that one…
Man, interrupting: I don’t have time to stand around and have a conversation about it.

–Strand Bookstore

For $1000, You Can Barely Get an Inflatable Woman

Wife: She called up the radio and guessed the right song, and they give her a thousand dollars.
Husband: Mmm… [Shakes head.] If I ever win $1,000 I’m gonna buy me a good woman.
Wife: Excuse me? You got yourself a good woman right here. You ever do that, she take the money and leave yo ass, nigga.

–Virgin Records

Overheard by: Maria

They Deserve a Tony for Best Supporting Limbs

Broadway man: I thought she acted well.
Broadway woman: She had great thighs, too.

–E 49th & 7th

Overheard by: I thought so too

Like I Haven’t Trained It to Strike to Kill?

Man pushing a child in a stroller to old woman walking slowly: Get out of the way!
[Shoves her out of the way, runs across the street frantically pushing the stroller.]Old woman: Next time I’ll kill your baby!

–Christopher & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Randy & Jen

Before He Finds Out We’re West Coast Rappers

Man giving out rap CDs: Yo! Check out my new CD, it’s only five dollars.
White man: Thanks, but we do not like rap.
Man giving out rap CDs: What are you, racist?
Man’s wife: Honey, I think we should go now.

–Times Square

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