Tourist man: Honey, is this Times Square?
Tourist wife: No, I think this is Union Square.
New Yorker: This is Herald Square. If you wanna go to Times Square, just walk north until you see all the lights and shit.
Tourist man: Thank you!
–33rd and 8th
Foreign 7th-grade boy: Where do you live?
Local 7th-grade boy: Harlem, have you ever heard of Harlem?
Foreign boy: No.
Local boy: Do you know McDonald's?
Foreign boy: Yes.
Local boy: That's where Harlem is.
–3 Train
Confused tourist: Excuse me, can you help us? We're trying to get to New York.
New Yorker: You are in New York.
Confused tourist: I'm sorry, I meant New York City.
–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Outraged Brooklynite
Yuppie: People at South Africa talk so much less racist than in NY. Everyone tells many more racist jokes in New York than in South Africa.
–Sutton Place
Chick: So, now between me and the bus tour you have seen all of Manhattan.
Tourist friend: Yep, from tip to tip.
Chick: Well, you didn’t see the Statue of Liberty.
Tourist friend: That’s true… Where is it?
Chick: I just took my mom there last week — it’s on Staten Island.
–R train
Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!
–N train
Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why’s it gotta be Kings Highway?
–B train, Kings Highway station
Overheard by: I feel his pain
Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you’re screwed.
–1 train, 34th St
Overheard by: Nettle
Conductor: There’s another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I’m sure there is another F train behind us.
–F train
Overheard by: I can see the light too
Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train… Oh… I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we’re going uptown, so it doesn’t matter.
–2 train
Overheard by: andy kleiman
Conductor: We’re not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York’s finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we’re the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!
–A train, between 125th & 59th St
Teen boy: What kind of trains are those?
Woman: They’re called the PATH. They go to places like New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Long Island.
Teen boy: How about Staten Island?
Woman: Whatchu wanna go there for?
–M101 bus
Overheard by: Kimberly Johnson
Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Erin and Willa
Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"
–Rivington & Essex
Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.
–2 Train
Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!
–5th Ave & 86th
Overheard by: GerMan in NY
Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!
–New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station
Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.
–1st & St. Mark's
Suit #1: So, when are you meeting him downtown?
Suit #2: I don’t know. It depends on when he gets done having sex with Gabrielle.
Suit #1: That doesn’t sound too bad!
–32nd St
Old lady on cell: Hello? Hello? Yes! I’m here! In Brooklyn!
–Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Wigger on cell: Yo, Roove, I’m at Pimp Station.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Dude on cell: Hey, I’m in New York City. Do you know of any ATMs around New York?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: The Doifter
Girl on cell: Hi, can you hear me? I’m in New York. Yeah, I’m at Macy’s.
–H&M, 34th St
Woman on cell: You’re in the park near the benches? There are tons of benches… That’s like saying you’re in Detroit and you’re near the drugs and violence.
–Washington Square Park
Lady on cell: Uh, yeah… I think I’m in the Empire State Building.
–Observation deck, Empire State Building
Middle-aged woman on cell, picking up after her dog: Actually, I’m in Palm Springs at the moment — I’ll be here for another week.
–Mercer & Spring
Overheard by: Wish I were in Palm Springs
