Wednesday One-Liners May Not Be Suitable for All Audiences

Ex-girlfriend about ex-boyfriend: I mean, he’s not exactly the kind of person to say: "I hear there’s a really great documentary about genocide playing at the film forum."

–Café near NYU

Overheard by: robin

Chick with Super-8 to random stranger: Excuse me, would you mind being the pickpocket in our silent film?

–The Montauk Club

Overheard by: torchwood lesbian

Man on phone: I wanna watch it in June so I can watch it stoned… Watching Harold and Kumar not stoned is like eating bread without butter!

–Train to Grand Central

Girl: Indiana Jones is what type of movie? Is it a life movie?

–43rd Street and 8th Ave

Overheard by: Ferris

Girl to friend: Did you get it? There were like a lot of metaphors in that movie, like label versus no label.

–Chelsea Clearview Cinema, after Midnight Showing of the Sex & The City Movie

Girl to boyfriend: If I don’t like movies about belts, am I going to like this movie?

–Smith & Wyckoff, Brooklyn

Posted on July 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Film, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Grand Central, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Offers and requests, On Cell, Park Slope, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Weed

Talking About Money Like a Commoner

Mother: Okay, give it back to me.
Four-year-old boy holding MetroCard: I want to hold it.
Mother, taking the MetroCard: You can’t hold it. It is very expensive, and mommy will have to pay a lot of money to replace it if you lose it.
Four-year-old boy, looking around at crowd on bus: Stop embarrassing me. Why are you always embarrassing me?

–N38 Bus

Posted on July 14, 2008
Boys, Default, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Parents

Please Accept My Apologies on Behalf of the Galactic Council

(guy gets up as train starts to move and begins rambling crazily)
Tourist girl: Stop it! You’re scaring me! (to parents) make him stop! (to him) Stop it! (to mom) I want to get off this train!
Tourist dad: Excuse me, you’re scaring my daughter.
Crazy guy: Am I scaring her?

–3 Train

Overheard by: Glad I only went one stop

Posted on July 13, 2008
Crazies, Crazy, Dads, Default, Fears, Girls, Guys, Kids, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Tourists

Didn’t You Wonder Why the Entry Exam Has an Interior Design Section?

College girl #1: Jake is the kind of gay where you don’t know he’s gay and when you find out, it makes sense. Nobody can be that hot and that straight. It wouldn’t be fair to every other girl out there if you were dating him. He’s the kind of gay you cry over when you find out.
College girl #2: Every guy is gay here. How did you not know that he was? It’s like, a prerequisite to get in.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Posted on July 12, 2008
Beauty, Crying, Dating, Default, Fordham, Gays and Lesbians, Offers and requests, Sorority Girls, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Like Those Black Girls in the SUV?

(two girls, looking at a sign that says “Stop Crumping”)
Girl #1: Crumping? What is that?!
Girl #2: Crunking? Crimping?
Girl #1: Is there anyone here who can help us?!

–Bard High School Early College

Posted on July 12, 2008
Default, Fast Times at New York High, Girls, Lower East Side, Offers and requests, Questions, Words

Everybody Hates Being Outvictimized

(Native American cop is arresting a black man)
Black man: Fuckin’ discrimination, man! Leave me the fuck alone! I ain’t done nothin wrong!
Native American Cop: Fuck you! We were oppressed first!
Black man: Apache motherfucker!

–82nd St, Queens

Overheard by: Lea

Posted on July 11, 2008
Black People, Compare/Contrast, Default, History & Geography, Insults, Men, Native Americans, Offers and requests, Queens, Race

Actually, He Has Three

Male retiree: Do you have any books by Stephen Hawking?
Librarian: By him or about him?
Male retiree: I don’t know. An easy one. Did you know he has two kids?
Librarian: No…
Male retiree: Yeah, I saw him on PBS last night, he’s, you know… And he has two kids!
Librarian: He must be proud.

–Brooklyn Library

Posted on July 11, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Brooklyn, Default, Disabilities, Kids, Library, Men, Offers and requests, Old People, Questions, TV

Everyone Has Their Own Learning Curve

Conductor: Please do not attempt to stick your foot into a closing door.
(turns off PA. Comes back on)
Conductor: It’s very dangerous… to put your hand or foot to block a closing door.
(turns off PA again. Comes back on)
Conductor: Especially your foot.

–W Train

Overheard by: Lex

Posted on July 11, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Default, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Subway conductors

Wednesday Pun-Liners

Global teacher, about review packet: You must look at my package in order to see what’s there!

–History Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Woman in business suit on cell: Yeah, work is crazy right now because I have a big release coming out next week. (pauses) That’s what he said.

–26th & Park

Overheard by: absnola

Lady in the audience: Which one is Patti LuPone?

–St. James Theater

Dorky older guy to female bank teller (smiling): I’ve got a really big deposit for you.
(teller looks down and starts laughing)

–Chase Bank, 24th & 7th

Overheard by: Joe

Timid Asian deli boy to deli owner: Excuse me, I don’t know how to do number two.

–Deli, Union Square

Black waiter to Asian female customer: Enjoy your black balls.

–Ninja, Hudson St

Posted on July 9, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Bank, Black People, Bronx Science, Classroom, Delis, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Food, Guys, Innuendo, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, Poop, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Theater, Theater & Dance, Union Square and East Village, Waiters, Women, Words

Carrie Bradshaw Sucks at Wednesday One-Liners

NYU girl to friend: I mean, I hate him and it’s making my hair fall out but I think our relationship really works.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Man to friend: She wanted to go to dinner on some kind of date shit. I wanna bring her to a bar and fuck her in the bathroom.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sarah

Fat chick to friends: I don’t know. He moved. We weren’t serious, you know? I mean how can you be serious with a man who wanted to move to an Indian reservation? (friends nod in approval) I mean why would you want to move to an Indian reservation anyway? It’s like the projects… but in camp.

–Casa Mono

Overheard by: foodie

Girl on cell: Oh, so you really like this one. (pause) That’s cool, where did he take you? (pause) Wow, he must be balling! That place is mad expensive, yo. (pause) What did you say his name was again? (pause, then hysterical laughing) Girl, I can’t take anyone named Skip-to-my-Lou seriously!

–32nd St & 5th Ave

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Well, if I get sick of you I’ll just find someone else!

–Movie Theater, 32nd & 8th

Overheard by: Happy I’m not his girlfriend.

Guy on train: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention? Sorry for bothering you, but I’ve been single for a year, and that shit’s not popping… So, any donations of phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or MySpace pages would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and may god bless.

–C Train

Overheard by: gretchen

Posted on July 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hair, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Students, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires

Offers and requests

Like Those Black Girls in the SUV?