Old People

Wednesday One-Liner: The World's Oldest Profession

Older, dirty-looking hobo: Hey, spare me some change, all I want tonight is a hooker and some malt liquor.

–Ave A & 4th St

20-something girl: Seriously! There is nothing better after a stressful day than stealing a car, picking up a hooker, taking her to the beach, fucking her, killing her, getting your money back and not getting arrested. Nothing!

–Underhill & St. Mark's, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Claire H.

Young woman to boss: If you don't give me more hours, I'mma have to start sellin' my pussy!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holly

Subway musician in drag the night before Valentine's Day: Be with the one you love! If you don't have anyone, then hire somebody! And keep your receipt!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Morning Glory

Musician on train platform: Everything gonna be alright! Get home safe, New York. Remember: if you see something, say something, don't keep it to yourself. And remember, New York, if you can't be with the one you love, pay someone! Keep all the receipts. I know what I'm talking about.

–B Train

Overheard by: Free Love

Like I Do When You Ask for I.D.

Girl: Is this tequila comparable to Jose?
Old wino: Uhh, ask Leonard, but be careful, he'll go on forever.
Girl: S'okay, I'll fake a seizure.

–Liquor Store, 53rd St & 2nd Ave

Try and Die, Motherfucker

Old creepy guy: You're a pretty lady.
Random lady, walking by: Thanks
Old creep guy: I should kidnap you

–Tour De Brooklyn Rest Site

Overheard by: Amber

Really? Am I Still Good?

Old husband: Why don’t we have sex anymore?
Old wife: I do. You don’t. You sleep.

–Prince & Mercer

Folgers Commercials Get More Racy Every Year

Old woman: Everyday I wake up is a good day.
(pause)
Old man: Everyday I get a boner is a good day.

–Grand Central

The Crying Game, Now for Kids!

Hair lady: So how do you want it done?
Grandma: I want to have the same lining and density as that cute, little Chinese girl had.
Hair lady: It was a boy.

–Encore Beauty Salon, Claremont Drive

Overheard by: Maxym B

Don’t Go Past the Sale

Old Man: They have salads here. Next time we should just come early and eat here.
Old Lady: Okay, we could try that next time.
Old Man: They have Caesar salads, and cobb salads, and pasta salads–
Old Lady: That sounds good. We’ll try it next time.
Old Man: –they have California salads, and tuna salads, and–
Old Lady: Okay, Harvey! We’ll eat here next time!
Old Man: …they have sandwiches, too.

–Avery Fischer Hall

Overheard by: Heather

Not As Bad As These Gay Headlines

Little boy: Hey mister, wanna hear a funny joke?
Old man: No.
Little boy: Okay, here it goes…A man walks into a bar…”Ouch!” Ha, ha, ha! Get it?
Old man: That’s the weakest shit I’ve ever heard.

–A train

Caffeine: Mortgaging Your Physiological Future

Old lady #1: So I think maybe that’s the problem with New Yorkers.
Old lady #2: No decaf?
Old lady #1: Yep, no decaf. That’s the problem.

–Starbucks, 102nd & Broadway

But I'll Gladly Direct You to a Window If You'd Like to See Yourself Out

Little old lady: But I am sure I came in on this floor. Don't you know the customer is always right?
Sales associate: This is the 3rd floor. Unless you scaled the side of the building, I'm right on this one.

–Macy's, Herald Square

Overheard by: stewed tomato

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