The Real World: Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on cell: That's why I moved to Brooklyn: I hate people!

–Carrol Gardens

Overheard by: Smegma

Man on cell: No, no, no! You go to Brooklyn and suck that sweet white dick for free!

–35th & 8th

Brooklyn guy to date: I would walk all over Brooklyn for you! I would even walk all over Queens for you, you're so sweet!

–Tonio's Restaurant, 7th & 8th, Park Slope

Overheard by: D-Law

Train conductor: Because of a sick passenger at Clark Street, some of us may not be making it to Brooklyn…I'll let you know.

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: D-Law

Conductor: This is York Street, the first stop in beautiful Brooklyn…yay!

–F Train

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Dating, Directions, Free stuff!, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Love, Men, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Passengers, Penis, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I'd Love To, Baby, but My Wednesday One-Liner Won't Let Me Date

Train conductor: East Broadway, welcome to Manhattan. Especially you, tourists, you put my wife on the table–I mean, uh…my food.

–F Train

Overheard by: penelope

Petite 30-something washing clothes: Oh, no! His wife's gonna be there. I gotta get some razor blades.

–Laundry Mat, Broadway & Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Matt

Middle aged suit to another: So the main problem my girlfriend and I have is that I really get along with my wife.

–A Train

Overheard by: Suzi

Thug to friend: There's just one thing I want people to say about my wife. Not that she's pretty, or that she's nice. I want them to say, "man, that nigga's wife's got a fat ass!"

–Grand Concourse

Cop to crowd: I suggest you use the other crosswalk, it's less congested. Stay here, risk your life…over there, save your wife!

–Radio City Music Hall

Man on cell: You don't love your wife?! (pause) Fuck you!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amina

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Beauty, Brooklyn, Compliments, Conductors, Cops, Food, Friends, Infidelity, Insults, Laundromat, Love, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Rockefeller Center, Sex, Stab, Strangers, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Theater, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Have You Ever Considered Modeling, Wednesday One-Liner?

Man walking in to immigration center to immigration security guard: You look very elegant today.

–Immigration Application Support Center, Queens

Lady: Oh my gosh, Casey looks so good! You would never know that he's blind!

–W 20th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Katie AK

Slightly tipsy elderly suit: Do you know where I can find a beautiful woman? Someone to spend the rest of my life with?

–Metropolitan Museum Info Desk

A Capella group leader, walking into train: Ladies and gentlemen, happy Thursday. We are a Doo Whop group and we are here to entertain you. If you like what you hear, show us some love. If you are miserable, hell, add more fiber to your diet. This Sunday, we will be saluting the best-looking people on the subway. Have a fiberrific day!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Em Allears

Ghetto black chick after someone took a picture of her: Did you get all the beautifulness?

–Saks Fifth Avenue

Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy

Posted on February 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Diet/Weight, Food, Ghetto Chicks, Handicaps, Love, Men, Musicians, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Pictures, Queens, Questions, Security Guards, Singing, Store, Strangers, Suits, The Met, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

And the One Written in Pictographs Took Up an Entire Subway Car

Girl on A train: Why are all the signs advertising English language courses written in English?
Brother in a white hat: So people can read it, stupid!

–A Train

Overheard by: Closely Watching on the A Train

Posted on February 13, 2009
Brothers, Girls, Insults, Language Barrier, Languages, On the Subway, Questions

When You Don't Know What You're Talking About, Charm's Only a Little Help

Guy #1: There are just some things certain in life, like death in Texas.
Guy #2: Wait…don't you mean to say “death and taxes”?
Guy #1: Oh yeah, I forgot to say it with an Southern accent.

–A Train

Overheard by: krisenthia

Posted on February 13, 2009
Death, Guys, Money & Class, On the Subway, Philosophy, Questions

Except for That Three-Day Vacation in the Tombs

Man, entering subway and noticing religious freak speaking: Hey man! Good to see you! Where have you been all summer? Did you take a day off? Jesus doesn't take a day off!

–1 Train

Overheard by: J-OY-K

Posted on February 13, 2009
God Squad, Holidays, Jesus, Men, On the Subway, Questions

With Those Serta Sheep Nipping at My Ankles All Night

Homeless man #1: Ya don't shit where you sleep, do ya?
Homeless man #2: Dude, I don't sleep where I sleep.

–6 Train

Posted on February 12, 2009
Hobos, Homeless, On the Subway, Poop, Questions, Weirdness

If You're Wednesday and You Know It, Clap Your One-Liners!

Man: Is this the happy train? (no reply) Oh, this is the depressed train. Who wants spare change?

–N Train

Overheard by: ellen.

Big old Russian guy: So vhy you drink? You drink ven you are happy, and you drink ven you are sad. Me, I am either happy, or I am sad. So me, I am drinking all the time!

–Deli, 83rd & York

Overheard by: Zinny

Large woman on cell: I wanted to suck away your happiness, do you understand? I just wanted to suck it away!

–Grand Central Station

Girl on cell: Yeah, no. So then he pulls the rubber duck out of his (lowers voice) ass and says he loves me. Yeah, for the first time, I was so happy…

–B Train

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Delis, Drinking & Drunk People, Fat People, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Happiness, Men, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Questions, S&M, Street, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

On Dark Nights, Wednesday One-Liners Walk the Streets

50-something suit on cell: So, are you coming or do you have to zombie-proof the apartment again?

–Downtown 6 Train

Youngish guy all in black: Vampires are so 90s. (female companion nods emphatically)

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Emily

Guy yelling to people dressed as zombies: Are there any fine zombies there that want to suck my dick?

–Union Square

Girl in Santa costume: Where are my fucking elves?!

–LaGuardia High School

Teen girl to friend: Well there are so many leprechauns at that school anyway, what do you really expect?

–Xavier High School

Overheard by: isa

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Girls, Guys, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Questions, School and studying, Street, Suits, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Too Many Wednesday One-Liners to Count

Loud obnoxious girl in movie theater: Oh yeah, I confuse a billion and a million all the time.

–Union Square Movie Theatre

College student to friend: Yo, I know doctors that are making mad money but are still behind because of their student loans! One of them told me that I should go to a CUNY or SUNY for my undergrad, then spend the big bucks at a private college for my grad. Yo, it costs $200,000 to go to school, that's like half a million dollars!

–E Train

Overheard by: hopefully he won't be measuring doses

Creepy bald tattooed guy: 30% of communication is verbal. (creepy lady nods) And that means that the other 60% is done with our bodies…I've done the research it's incredible.

–Spring St & Greene St

Overheard by: Seth

Girl on phone: Yeah, so everyone else had like 3, or 5, and I had 75.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jenn

Blonde teen on cell: 12 is not a baker's dozen, it's only a dozen. A baker's dozen is like 144. I've only slept with twelve guys, okay? Get off my back!

–Amsterdam Ave b/w 90th & 91st

Posted on February 11, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Creepsters, Friends, Girls, Guys, Medicine, Money & Class, Movie Theaters, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Promiscuity, School and studying, Science, Sex, Soho, Street, Students, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

On the Subway