Freshman #1: Let’s not kid ourselves — the men who shop at Sears do not care what the underwear looks like on other men.
Freshman #2: Sears catalogs are only for straight boys in North Dakota to masturbate to.
Freshman #1: In North Dakota, even the Internet has no porn.
–F train
Arty girl: You know what Asperger’s is, right?
Arty guy: No.
Arty girl: It’s that type of Autism where people are obsessed with trains.
Arty guy: Oh! So is that what all the subway conductors have?
–F train
Black lady, screaming: Hold the train, hold the train!
Conductor: Why are you screaming at me?
Black lady, stopped and staring at him: I want you to hold the door so it doesn’t hit me.
Conductor: Just get on the train
Black lady: Hold the door!
Conductor: Shut up and get on the train, God I’m going to hang myself.
–A train, 59th St
Waspy girl to gaggle of friends: You know, medium-rare is, like, totally the new medium. You know what I mean? (friends stare blankly) No, I guess you wouldn't.
–6 Train
Overheard by: I Like Mine Bleeding
B&T CSR: Pork killed my father.
–80 Pine St
Overheard by: It's me
Stroller-pushing mom to friend: I gotta do something about her leg! It looks like freeze-dried meat.
–DeKalb & Washington, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Morning Glory
NYU girl to friend: My hair smells like meat.
–NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: evanescent
Girl to friend: This is my pi system: it's like a sausage.
–NYU Classroom
Man to can of corned beef: God, you understand me so well.
–Duane Reade
Overheard by: Murphy
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"
–4 Train
Chatty, obnoxious girl #1: My last relationship was a disaster. He just didn't treat me well. He was very disrespectful. How is your man doing?
Chatty, obnoxious girl #2: I don't know. He says he loves me, takes me out all the time, is always calling and paying for everything. He even writes me long romantic notes and spends time with me whenever he can. It's just kind of lame, you know? I just told him I loved him to shut him up.
–E Train
Overheard by: Xander
Queer to hipster chick: Honey, you’re not a hipster! … I’m sorry I said that.
–New School University
Overheard by: smoon
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sorry to bother you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. If you could give me just one penny, I’d really appreciate it. [Yuppie woman hands him a quarter.] I asked for one penny. You gave me 24 cents too much [hands the quarter back and walks away].
–Brooklyn-bound F train
Conservatively-dressed lady: I’m so sorry! My birth canal was showing!
–Atlantic Ave & Clinton St
Overheard by: amalthya & schizo
Dude on cell: I didn’t know you wanted to become priest… What?! You have to go through all that shit just to be a deacon?! My god! … Sorry man, I didn’t mean it like that…
–Union Square
Man on cell: I’m sorry, but I’m in New Jersey right now… When? Okay, Monday night… Of course I’ll be there, you have my word.
–M14 bus, Ave A
Lady suit: Now I am totally sorry I stalked you — it was so not worth the effort.
–47-50 Rockefeller Center train station
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
Conductor #1: The arriving N train pulling into the station will be leaving first. I repeat, the arriving N train pulling into the station will be leaving first.
Conductor #2: This is the N train!
Conductor #1: Everyone get back on the train! Everyone get back on the train!
–Ditmars Boulevard station
Middle-aged woman, dressed like a pre-teen: I’m not really sure how it happened but I think I ended up drunk and half-naked on the 5th floor of Macy’s.
Teenage daughter: Really?
Middle-aged woman: Maybe it was the 6th floor. Shoot, and that was gonna be a good story to tell Jeannie.
–Q Train
Overheard by: Nikki
Girl: I can assure you…that at my apartment…there will be soap!
–39th & 6th
