On the Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange

20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!

–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side

Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!

–11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!

–Penn Station

Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Overheard by: MissMae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Bukkake Is So Five Minutes Ago

High school latina #1: Yeah, she’s really sexy.
High school latina #2: Her lips are really soft.
High school latina #3: Yeah, you guys, her eye gunk’s sexy, too. I’d totally eat her eye gunk.
High school latina #2: Yeah, that’s true. I would, too.

–1 train

Overheard by: define sexy

What's That Supposed to Mean?

Obese Midwestern tourist: So are we gonna go get that falafel thing?
Other Midwestern tourist: Well, if we're gonna go to Hooters we don't need to get the falafel thing.
Obese Midwestern tourist: Why not? I could eat both.
Other Midwestern tourist: Do you know what a falafel thing is?
Obese Midwestern tourist: It's like ice cream.
Other Midwestern tourist: Oh, really? I thought that was gelato.
Obese Midwestern tourist: No, dumbass.
Other Midwestern tourist: Okay, well I guess you'd know…

–7 Train

Overheard by: Caitlin

And You Don’t Wanna Be Ignorant All Your Life

Skinny black chick: If someone says some mo’ fuckin’ racist shit to me, I’ma punch them in the fuckin’ face, yo, and give them somethin’ to be racist about!
Fat black chick: I thought that shit was played out. Racism is ignorancy, yo.

–M train

Overheard by: ignorexia-ists

Back Then, They Didn’t Have Bulk Discounts Either

Thug #1: Back in the day, abortions used to cost $200, can you believe that shit? Good thing that changed, or my ass would be broke.
Thug #2: Yeah me too.
Thug #3: Word.

–Downtown 5 train

Overheard by: Angie

Hey, that Taco Was Asking for It

JAP #1: Well, how do you know he’s cheating on you with that [lowers voice to loud whisper] Puerto Rican girl?
JAP #2: God, I don’t for sure know, alright?! Maybe because his dick smells like a Taco Bell, okay?!

–6 train

Overheard by: Maria

Those Were Some Tense Times During the Last Season of Newlyweds

Girl #1: And I was like, “Hell, no! Do not have his baby! Do not have his baby! Please!”
Girl #2: Mmm hmm, for real.

–6 Train

And by Wimp, I Mean That I Get Raped Less Frequently Than You

Girl #1: One time I passed out, then I woke up and was like, “I am on the wrong line for this.” I had to get out and go back the other way!
Girl #2: I’m such a wimp. I take a cab when I get too drunk to know where I’m going.

–Manhattan bound F train

Or Just Attend Over Webcam

Hipster girl: I want to like have a housewarming, but, like, I'm concerned about the walkup. Cause there's like smokers coming.
Little friend: How many flights?
Hipster girl: Six.
Little friend : Six stories?! Well, you warn them over e-mail, and then they can decide if they can make it.

–5 Line

Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change?

–Time Square

HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will.

–Broadway

Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die?

–7th & Carroll, Park Slope

Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live.

–8th St & Broadway

Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you.

–4 Train

Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Cori

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