Man: Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do: we’re going to drive to Kim’s downtown. I’m going to pull up outside and give you 20 dollars, and you’re going to go in there and pick out whatever Nazi porn movie your little heart desires.
Chick with Hebrew tattoo: Any one I want? Even SS Experiment Love Camp, or is that one too gruesome?
Man: You pick. Any one you want. Anything my sexy girl wants.
Chick with Hebrew tattoo: Awesome! Thank you!
–112th & Broadway
Genetics professor: So, you know, Mendel’s pea plants didn’t just grow all in one night.
Student: So what did he do while the plants grew?
Genetics professor: Hmmm, who knows? Look at porn?
–City College
10-year-old girl #1 referring to Starter for Ten: Oh my god, that movie was really sexy.
10-year-old girl #2: I know! We are lucky it wasn’t X-rated!
10-year-old girl #1: You know, my mom has seen an X-rated movie before, and my dad has one.
10-year-old girl #2: Why does your dad have an X-rated video?
10-year-old girl #1: He’s just really into movies!
–Movie theater restroom, 11th & 3rd
Overheard by: Dara
Guy #1: So, my uncle is having marriage problems. His wife found kiddie porn on his computer.
Guy #2: Damn… That shit’s illegal. Did she confront him about it?
Guy #1: Yeah… You know what he said to her?
Guy #2: What?
Guy #1: ‘Well, I wouldn’t need to use it if you were prettier.’
–Ozzie’s, Lincoln & 7th Ave
Overheard by: augie
Suit: So that’s odd — your friend is into gay, World War Two German Army porn.
Hipster: It’s actually not as weird as you think.
Suit: I see.
–Spring & Broadway
Overheard by: Jasper
Teen boy: I couldn’t put it all the way in, though.
Teen girl: Ew, ew, ew.
Teen boy: I don’t know how they do that in pornos.
Teen girl: One second — are you gay?
Teen boy: Not really. Like, I’d totally do you.
Teen girl: You wish! Got Jake’s shit all over your dick. Ain’t no way.
–Smiling Pizza, 7th Ave, Park Slope
Headline by: Malingerer
Runners-Up:
· “Bi-curiousity killed the pussy” – Mojosaves
· “Have your jake and eat it too” – teensaredisgusting
· “He called ‘no homo'” – Jedipus
· “He probably couldn’t put it all the way in, because he’s not willing to come all the way out” – Ryan
· “Jake the German Shepherd was extra eager to meet his master that night.” – Adrenna
· “Methinks the lady doth protest too much” – assley
· “The Straw That Brokeback Mountain” – B
· “The shit washes off. The gay? Not so much.” – Sean
· “Then How ’bout a Dirty Sanchez?” – Hobo Whisperer
· “When the front door slams shut, sometimes the back door opens” – steve devan
· “You say tomato, I say hepatitis” – Mark Poepsel
Frat boy #1: Dude, are you Karl Marx?
Frat boy #2: Nah, bro. I’m a porn star.
–5th Ave, Brooklyn
Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?
–Deli, 42nd St
Headline by: Emilio Lizardo
Runners-Up:
· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean
· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon
· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae
· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T
· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em
· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan
· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ
· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.
· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve
Guy: He’s kind of cute.
Girl: No he’s not, I do not approve.
Guy: Whatever, I think he’s a really interesting person.
Girl: Of course he’s interesting. He’s addicted to coke and he’s a gay porn star and we know all of this about him and we’ve only known him for 5 minutes.
–no idea bar 20th St & 5th Ave
Tourist: I want to have sex. I’m old enough!
–Outside Cold Stone Creamery, 42nd St
20-Something frat boy: Ya know, something tells me my wife hasn’t even been born yet…
–6 train, Astor Place
Overheard by: Al
Young woman: If I were a pedophile, I would be the best pedophile ever because nobody would suspect me!
–6 train
Overheard by: Innocent bystander
Man, trying on glasses: No, these make me look like a pedophile.
–9th Street Optical, 9th St between 5th & 6th, Brooklyn
Chick on cell: Yes, I got fired at my job! Yes, I got fired at Barely Legal! I got tired of playing Twister in my pajamas.
–Airplane, LaGuardia Tarmac
Overheard by: Judy
