Porn

…Let Me Get One of Those Straight-People Double-Ended Dildos…

Man to confused ladies turning around to exit porn shop: We have straight stuff too!
Women, re-entering store: Oh! In that case…

–Chelsea

Headline by: Paul Tabachneck

Runners-Up:
· “All Our Dildos Are Unisex…” – Jacques
· “But You’ll Need to Enter the Store Via the Front Door” – Zorak
· “Do You Have Any Dildos Shaped Like Clay Aiken?” – Clay got a bitch preggers…
· “I’ll Take 600 Of Your Finest, Blackest Dildos, Please.” – porter
· “Ironically, It’s In the Rear.” – Allison
· “It´s In the Back Behind the Curtain” – Deek

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

You’ve Just Ruined Scattergories for Everyone

Chick: So “scatological”; that’s like, what? Like from “scattered”?
Guy: No, you know, it’s like in “scat porn”.

–China Fun, 64th & 2nd

And I’m Gonna Tell Dick You Said That

White boy #1: I only like to watch girl-on-girl.
White boy #2: What? You don’t like dick in your porn? That’s fucking gay.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jesse

So We Know What I Find Sexy

Middle-aged rocker chick: I think ex-cons are sexy.
Older rocker dude: Yeah, I got arrested once in Germany for child pornography.

–Pasta shop, Mott St

So, what are you wearing to the ‘Schindler’s List’ party?

Guy: What is that?
Guy with net: One of those nets for cleaning out pools.
Guy: Let me guess. Pool boy costume? Porn-theme party?
Guy with net: Wow, yeah.
Guy: Been there.

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: Argopelter

Headline by: Gary

Runners-Up:
· “And That’s How Me and Your Other Father Met, Timmy.” – Chris
· “Another Touching Father-Son Moment Brought To You By Wicked Entertainment” – Existance is Futile
· “I was just delivering pizza, but they asked me in, and, wow!” – Wasn’t invited
· “I’m not really black – this is toner from the “copier” scene” – Tom Dorey
· “Kato Kaelin: Career Counselor at Large” – Charlie
· “Of Course, I Just Bent Over and Went as a Life Preserver” – Keith
· “Porn theme party? I think I’ll just come in my jeans.” – Effing and Blinding
· “Really? You were an altar boy at St. Mark’s, too?!” – Dave
· “Ron Jeremy’s Sixth Sense” – s h
· “Watch out for a guy dressed as a milkman. He’s bad news” – gravy
· “When he was 6 years old, and watching his mother from the window…” – Nathan
· “Yeah, I went all out and got my CPR card.” – SNA

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Location, Location, Location, Dear Reader

Guy: You don't understand–it doesn't have to be well-written, there doesn't need to be a good plot… It's *porn*!
Woman: No, you're missing my point. If the plot, writing, and characters don't matter, why have them at all? Why not just the sex?
Guy: Oh… That's a really good question, actually.
Woman: But all the inefficient parts are still there, so there's obviously a market value for them.
Guy: Only that they keep me from feeling like a total perv.

–Broad St & Beaver

Having Sex With You Is Like Masturbating. Get a Personality, Why Don’t You?

Queer #1: Ooh, let’s see this one!
Queer #2: I already saw that earlier this week.
Queer #1: What?! Dude, I hate that. This is just like you masturbating instead of having sex with me.

–AMC, 42nd St

Wednesday-One-Liners Gotta Fight for Their Right

Frat boy on cell: Call me when you get done with your fondue party. I don’t care if it wasn’t your idea. That doesn’t make it right!

–12th St & 5th Ave

Geeky Columbia freshman: Yeah, we held a Sexyback Party… You know, it was themed like Justin Timberlake. It was a pretty cool concept.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: pumpkin

College chick: Any party that you have to lube up your hand to get into just isn’t worth it.

–Christopher St

Bimbette: Because, really, what good is throwing a porn party if you can’t get drunk enough to disregard your butt?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

… For Money

Girl: Are you saying I’m a whore?
Guy: No, no, I’m just saying… [whispers].
Girl: You’re saying I’m a whore!
Guy: No, I’m saying… [whispers].
Girl: I’m a girl who likes to watch porn and what? [Guy whispers.] I like to watch porn and what?
Guy, softly: … Likes to watch porn and have sex.

–Menchanko restaurant, 45th & Lex

Overheard by: emily

Wednesday On-Liners

Chick on cell: Why did you tell dad about that?…Well, he was going to find out sooner or later when he saw me on the website.

–Union Square

Female midget: Yeah, they’re installing the internet in my new apartment and apparently they need a computer.

–Elevator, ABC building, 66th St

Overheard by: Mojosaves

World traveler: Really, you can get anything on the streets of Bangkok. Thai prostitutes, smoothies, passport pictures…It’s like Craigslist.

–20th & 8th

Overheard by: laughing out loud

Catholic school girl on cell: Danny, it’s me. I have some bad news. We’re on a break. Call me back when you get this message….[Hangs up and redials] Maria! What am I going to do about my MySpace?!

–4th Ave

Overheard by: Joe

Blonde on cell: Seriously, I love you, but…Seriously…Seriously, you’re an asshole. You’re a dick! Why didn’t you just tell me the fucking truth!…Well, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I posted those pictures on MySpace, but…Well, be a fucking man about it and tell me the fucking truth then!…Seriously, I love you.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: wild dog boy

Loud guy on cell: So how do I get this done? Do I go on the internet or something?… I want to be able to print my own bounty hunter license immediately.

–11th & 6th

Suit: When I was working for my old company, all we would do is download porn.

–Grand & Varick

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