Leggo of the Goddamn Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This Eighth Avenue-bound L train is now an express train to Eighth Avenue because a couple of you are idiots who thought holding the doors would get you where you’re going faster. I hope this teaches you all a lesson.

–Union Square

Conductor: Please do not hold the closing doors! [Fifteen seconds later] Fine, hold the doors! I’m already at work!

–4 train

Overheard by: On-Nee-Mall

Indian MTA employee: Please do not hold the doors… [Slightly agitated] Please do not hold the doors! [Very agitated] Are you so stupid! Only someone stupid would hold the doors!

–1 train

Conductor: Do you people realize that there are 30 doors on this train? Must you all do a conga line in front of one of them?! Don’t you need music for that?!

–96th St

Conductor: Stop holding the doors! You hold the doors open and the train doesn’t run smoothly! And this is the only train in the city that works!

–7 train

Overheard by: EthanK

Posted on December 19, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Gripes, Insults, Offers and requests, Public Transportation, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Mystical Connection Between Work and Money

Whining teen girl: Why is the train so crowded this early in the morning?
Teen boy: I dunno.
Whining teen girl: Oh, I bet it's cuz Thursday is pay day. That must be it.
Teen boy: Yeah, that makes sense.

–L Train

Overheard by: Cindy Davis

Posted on December 18, 2014
Boys, Default, Girls, Money & Class, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Teens

You Think It’s Funny When Another Old Man Gets His Ticket Punched?

Old man, after having ticket punched: He put holes in my ticket — he ruined it! [Commuter woman laughs, thinking he’s joking.] Why are you laughing? [Commuter woman gives another nervous laugh.] Why are you laughing?!

–LIRR

Overheard by: guingel

Posted on December 16, 2014
Crazies, Default, Guys, Old People, Paranoia, Public Transportation, Questions, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

Let’s Make Her Our Next Mayor

Cabbie: Are you going this way? I’m not turning around!
Chick: What the..? I’m not hitchhiking, I’m fucking paying you, and if I tell you to turn around you damn well better turn around!

He drives away.

Chick: Yeah, fuck you too, cunty Mr. Crack Whore.
Hipster guy: Lady, you need therapy.
Chick: Man, you need to stop sucking dick. And a haircut.

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Jesia Guera

Posted on December 15, 2014
Assholes, Cabbies, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Public Transportation, Talking/Convos

Seriously, Can I Have One Of the Bananas?

Conductor leaning out window of train pulling into station: Hey, nice hat! I like your hat!
Woman on platform with nice hat: Um, thank you.
Conductor: This is 72nd Street. Uptown 2 train making local stops, local stops. Next stop 79th Street. Nice hat! Niiiice hat!

–2 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on December 10, 2014
Clothing, Compliments, Conductors, Directions, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Women

I Could See the Tops Of Both Nipples

Guy #1: This isn't that crowded.
Guy #2: Yeah, the other day I was on a different train and we were packed in like sardines, this lady had her boobs in my face.
Guy #1: Oh, that's nice.
Guy #2: And the best part is her shirt said “stop staring, bitch!”

–7 Train

Overheard by: Beck

Posted on December 9, 2014
Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Guys, Nicknames & name calling, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Rack

Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island