100% Edible Wednesday One-Liners

Short girl: Yo, Friday? I'm getting done. Done! Getting saucy. Saucy! With two double Es. "Sau-cee!" Like pasta! Nigga, I get buns!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ben B.

Office drone to coworker: So yeah, they have this like big place in the city. But they have a patio and a garden and they cook every single night. They cook on their patio! But not like my cooking. Not cereal. They make braised lamb.

–32nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Marie Z.

Teen on cell: Mmm, that peppercorn brandy sauce was gangster.

–72nd & Colombus

Overheard by: Lauren

Random dude: Maybe they'll let you put a biscuit on lay-away.

–KFC, 106th & Broadway

Guy on cell: So, I just need to get some toilet paper, tomato soup, and chain myself in the room for a while.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Brigdh

Eight-year-old kid to mother, referring to generic cereal: Yo, they've got bootleg Froot Loops!

–Target, Atlantic & Flatbush

Overheard by: Ravi

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Food, Girls, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Store, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Wednesdays You Don't Need, at One-Liners You Can't Afford

Guy rushing past crowd: Why would I go to work on the day of Barneys Warehouse sale…are you insane?

–78th & Broadway

20-something white guy: Enough of this hippie shit. Let's go to the four floor Abercrombie.

–Strawberry Fields

Overheard by: Alison

Girl: I was so depressed. I actually almost bought that leather jacket from Express. Whose bright idea was it to have the MCAT testing center in a shopping district?

–1 Train

20-something woman to another: Wow, it's just like the Westchester mall here, only outside.

–Bleecker & W 10th

Very Caucasian tourist: Holy frick! Where is The Gap?

–42nd & Broadway

Middle aged woman in hot pink, yelling: I won't shop today! I will not shop! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I will not fucking shop today! I won't shop! Fuck you!

–Urban Outfitters

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Girls, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Questions, School and studying, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Boomsday One-Liners

Black guy: That show was so white, I just wanted to bomb the place.

–W 49th & Broadway

Overheard by: Erin

19-year-old street vendor: Well, pipe bombs are easy…but they do a lot of damage.

–Chinatown

Guy dressed in sequined jacket, screaming on escalator: I can't fucking believe this fucking shit. They have no fucking radios. What K-Mart got no fucking radios? No fucking radios! (after a long pause) I'm gonna bomb this muthafucka to the ground.

–K Mart, 8th St

Overheard by: I Didn't Know the Unibomber Got a Makeover

Man on phone: Do you know why they bombed on 7/11?

–50th St & 9th Ave

20-something girl to friend, after large explosion is heard: Well, I'm from Detroit, so when I hear things like that it doesn't even bother me.

–Union Square Holiday Market

Overheard by: isa

Woman, as a grungy guy walks by: Whenever I see sullen long-haired bearded men in army jackets I am afraid something is going to get blown up.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Posted on January 14, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Chinatown, Fears, Friends, Girls, Ground Zero, Guys, Hair, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Race, Sensory Experiences, Store, Street, Terrorism, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Is That Why You and Mommy Have Handcuffs?

Father to child standing in shopping cart: Suzie, sit down in the cart, standing isn't safe and it breaks the rules.
Suzie: No!
Father, heading towards checkout and spotting police officer fiddling with handcuffs: You see that policeman? If you don't sit down he's going to take you to jail. Oh look, he's taking out his handcuffs and he's going to arrest you now. (Suzie sits immediately)

–Kmart, Astor Place

Posted on January 9, 2009
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Dads, Family Ties, Kids, Prison, Should've Used a Condom, Store, Union Square and East Village

Samantha Jones Finally Gets Desperate

50-something woman: I'm looking for a book. It's called something like The Cougar's Guide.
Assistant: Err…do you know who it's by?
50-something woman: No. But I heard it just came out. The Cougar's Handbook or something.
Assistant: Well, there's not a lot I can do if you don't know the name or the author.
50-something woman: Can you do a search with the word “cougar”? Or “snare”? I think it had “snare” in the title.
Assistant: Err…okay, I can try.

–Barnes & Noble

Posted on January 5, 2009
9 to 5-ers, Books & Writing, Pick-up Lines, Store, Weirdness, Women, Words

You Just Ollied Into My Heart

Black teen, with I skate NY logo shirt: Hey, hey, what's the line for?
Confused white girl: I don't get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed silence)
Confused white girl: Ohhh, it's a skateboard!
Black teen: Haha, yeah.
Confused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a…a picture of a guy with a unibrow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes…you have beautiful eyes.

–Virgin Megastore

Posted on January 4, 2009
Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Clothing, Girls, Physical appearance, Store, Teens, White People

How to Tell Whether Someone Just Learned What “Risqué” Means This Morning

Woman to friend, while browsing: I love the 80s, girl. Oh, look. It's Alf on DVD! Did you ever watch that show? It's so different to watch it as an adult. You realize how risqué it is. I mean, it's like watching Three's Company when you're an adult. I mean, it was such a risqué show for its time.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Posted on January 1, 2009
Age/Aging, Friends, Store, Stupidity, TV, Union Square and East Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes…I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard…it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Doreen

40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?

–MJ Armstrong's Public House

Overheard by: JP

Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.

–Hester & Grand

Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!

–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway

Posted on December 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Duane Reade, Families, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Questions, Rack, Store, Street, Stupidity, Stuyvesant Town, The Village, Time, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

No One Else Has Problems Like We Do!

Young woman #1: Oh my god, I have to have this handbag. Isn't it gorgeous?
Young woman #2: Oh my god, yes it is! You have to buy it.
Young woman #1: Oh, I am so buying it. I only hope my Kate Spade doesn't get jealous.

–Coach Store, Madison Ave.

Posted on December 22, 2008
Fashion, Questions, Shopping, Store, Women