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Boomsday One-Liners

Black guy: That show was so white, I just wanted to bomb the place.

–W 49th & Broadway

Overheard by: Erin

19-year-old street vendor: Well, pipe bombs are easy…but they do a lot of damage.

–Chinatown

Guy dressed in sequined jacket, screaming on escalator: I can't fucking believe this fucking shit. They have no fucking radios. What K-Mart got no fucking radios? No fucking radios! (after a long pause) I'm gonna bomb this muthafucka to the ground.

–K Mart, 8th St

Overheard by: I Didn't Know the Unibomber Got a Makeover

Man on phone: Do you know why they bombed on 7/11?

–50th St & 9th Ave

20-something girl to friend, after large explosion is heard: Well, I'm from Detroit, so when I hear things like that it doesn't even bother me.

–Union Square Holiday Market

Overheard by: isa

Woman, as a grungy guy walks by: Whenever I see sullen long-haired bearded men in army jackets I am afraid something is going to get blown up.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Is That Why You and Mommy Have Handcuffs?

Father to child standing in shopping cart: Suzie, sit down in the cart, standing isn't safe and it breaks the rules.
Suzie: No!
Father, heading towards checkout and spotting police officer fiddling with handcuffs: You see that policeman? If you don't sit down he's going to take you to jail. Oh look, he's taking out his handcuffs and he's going to arrest you now. (Suzie sits immediately)

–Kmart, Astor Place

Samantha Jones Finally Gets Desperate

50-something woman: I'm looking for a book. It's called something like The Cougar's Guide.
Assistant: Err…do you know who it's by?
50-something woman: No. But I heard it just came out. The Cougar's Handbook or something.
Assistant: Well, there's not a lot I can do if you don't know the name or the author.
50-something woman: Can you do a search with the word “cougar”? Or “snare”? I think it had “snare” in the title.
Assistant: Err…okay, I can try.

–Barnes & Noble

You Just Ollied Into My Heart

Black teen, with I skate NY logo shirt: Hey, hey, what's the line for?
Confused white girl: I don't get your shirt.
Black teen: (amazed silence)
Confused white girl: Ohhh, it's a skateboard!
Black teen: Haha, yeah.
Confused white girl: No, no, I thought it was a…a picture of a guy with a unibrow and no mouth?
Black teen: Hey, lemme see your eyes…you have beautiful eyes.

–Virgin Megastore

How to Tell Whether Someone Just Learned What “Risqué” Means This Morning

Woman to friend, while browsing: I love the 80s, girl. Oh, look. It's Alf on DVD! Did you ever watch that show? It's so different to watch it as an adult. You realize how risqué it is. I mean, it's like watching Three's Company when you're an adult. I mean, it was such a risqué show for its time.

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Are Waiting for the Tooth Fairy

Lady on cell: I've been standing here for like fifteen minutes…I don't know which one to choose. It's so hard…it's been like years since I've bought toothpaste.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: Doreen

40-something woman: I'm always wondering, is it teeth or tits?

–MJ Armstrong's Public House

Overheard by: JP

Girl to friends looking into camera: Jane* got the foreskin stuck in her teeth.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: Your tooth came out last night. I didn't want to disturb you, but at least you have your other teeth in.

–Hester & Grand

Flustered strand employee: He left his teeth on the floor and just took off!

–Strand Bookstore, 12th St & Broadway

No One Else Has Problems Like We Do!

Young woman #1: Oh my god, I have to have this handbag. Isn't it gorgeous?
Young woman #2: Oh my god, yes it is! You have to buy it.
Young woman #1: Oh, I am so buying it. I only hope my Kate Spade doesn't get jealous.

–Coach Store, Madison Ave.

And I Realized a Detachable One Would Be Even Cooler

Guy #1: And you know if you use it too much, like if you fuck everybody it just…it falls off.
Guy #2: Yeah, that almost happened to me once.

–Elevator, Apple Store

Gayer Than Marcus Brody's Relationship with Indy's Dad?

Small child #1: Look, they got toys out already and the movie isn't even out yet!
Small child #2: Yo, that's crazy gay!

–Toys R Us, Times Square

Overheard by: Tim

Take It Slow– Remember, I Work Here.

Mother: What's the name of the play?
Daughter: The Misanthrope.
Mother: How do you spell that?
Daughter: It's with an “e”
Mother: That doesn't help me.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: John Blaze

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