Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liner Like an Egyptian

Guy on cell: I'm walking down St. Marks, and I'm having psychological issues. That's why I'm calling this NYU support number.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: A preponderance of hipsters can sort of do that to you…

Stylish guy on phone: No, I do not have time to check if anyone is gesticulating at me, I'm walking to Chipotle!

–Sock Man, St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Rachel Isadora

Thick-accented gentleman: You nevah saw that movie? Penguins walkin'?

–Smith & Wollensky's Steakhouse

Overheard by: kritta

Too-tan Columbia student: Oh my god! You should totally have picked up your phone the other night because I was totally ready to, like, walk by myself down 122nd Street to the d train, alone, at like, midnight! Even though I know it wouldn't have been very safe to do that, I was ready!

–Uptown 2 Train

Woman to another, holding the strings to 100 helium balloons: You never walk my balloons!

–Lafayette & Cumberland, Fort Greene

Overheard by: Brenda

Drunk Girls + Car + Velocity = Humor

Guy: I think you might want to get a little closer to the curb.
Drunk girl #1: No, you know, I’m okay like this.
Drunk girl #2: Stop, don’t be a bitch, he’s being nice.
Drunk girl #1: Sorry!
Drunk girl #2: Thanks anyway, but we won’t get hit by a car, because it’s simple mathematics. It’s impossible!

–23rd & Park

He Won his Brain in a Lottery too

Guy #1, waiting for the Wicked ticket lottery: What happens if we both win two sets of tickets?
Guy #2: Ummm. Then we resell them.
Guy #1: I thought you couldn’t do that.
Guy #2: Only if you sell them for more than they’re worth. So we could sell these for $25 each.
Guy #1: Or we could give them away.
Guy #2: You do realize we’re paying $25 each, don’t you?
Guy #1: Uh… we are?

–Outside the Gershwin Theatre

Overheard by: did not win tickets

Remember When I Ate That Mushroom And Didn't Get an Extra Life?

Guy #1, pantomiming a bowling motion: I scored a 263 on the Wii the other day.
Guy #2: You getting ready for Friday?!
Guy #1: Yeah!
Woman #1 to woman #2: I'm not sure it'll translate.

–Coffee Shop, Park Slope

Shhh. Can’t You Feel This Cup of Gin Vibrating?

Hipster: Drunk people are like dinosaurs.
Friend: What the fuck are you talking about?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Liz

‘Cause, If Not, I have Some Mace In My Purse

Hobo, to two girls: Hey, Mary Kate, got something to eat?
Girl #1, to girl #2: Ohmigod, did you hear that? Is she the pretty one?

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Commuter

Fortunately For Me, Medium is the New Large

Woman: How many slices are in a medium?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: How many slices are in a large?
Pizza guy: 8.
Woman: Can I speak to someone else?

–Pizzeria, 14th & 1st

I would do it too if I could

Yuppie: “And I thought, why are you climbing down a hole if you’re wearing a $2,500 shirt?”

— Upper East Side

Not Yet, But Allah Willing…

Girl #1: I don’t know, I think there was a language barrier.
Girl #2: Where is he from?
Girl #1: Well, Israel.
Girl #2: What the fuck do they speak there? Arabic?

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Janis Glendon

And in Practically No Time She Taught Them Everything She Knew

Meathead: I think that’s just so ridiculous that they would expect you to teach these kids when you don’t know the kids at all.
Ditzy girl: Well they had name tags.

–2 train

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