Stupidity

The Man Who Boned Grandma (NYC Short Stories)

Tourist grandpa: I’m going to sit here. Do you want a snack?
Tourist grandson: Sure.
Tourist grandpa: Here’s some money. Go over there and buy yourself something. And if you can find somebody nice, ask where we can get some cheesecake.

–Greeley Square

Overheard by: Nick Turner

Hasidic boy: Poppola, I heard a rumor that when a cow gets a cut from the milking machine, and blood gets in the milk…they have to turn it into chocolate milk, so people won’t know it’s there.
Hasidic grandpa: We should be so lucky!

–4 train

Overheard by: Raden Mutter

The Train Whisperer

Conductor: Because of a water main break at 53rd Street, the last
stop on this train will be 42nd Street.
Guy: What the fuck?

Guy on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen and conductor, the last
stop on this train will be 57th Street. You copy that, conductor? You copy that?
Conductor: Uh, the last stop on this train will be 57th Street. This
train will be going through 57th Street.

–N train

Did You Even Read the Informational Pamphlets I Put on Your Pillows?

Pampered Tribeca child #1: Daddy! Please!
Pampered Tribeca child #2: Daddy! Please can we have Mediterranean eggplant for dinner??
Nebbishy Tribeca dad: You know I can't eat that! It's a carb!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Briguy

A Little Wednesday One-Liner in a Big Pond

Drunk girl: I just love a cock in my mouth! It is a fact of my life, like Blair and Tootie. I want to be carnivorous. I will eat fish if it's the only thing on the menu, but I really just want some meat! I'm not fishiverous!

–Party, Ditmars Boulevard, Astoria

Overheard by: likes steak AND seafood

Girl to friend: Surely if she was ever in possession of a penis, then on merit she would inherit the family lobster farm?

–28th & 7th

Ginger: Garibaldi… That is so weird. That is the name of the California state fish. I wonder if the statue is named after the fish.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: camillo cavour

Man to wife: That's too much calamari, even for a homeless guy.

–East Village

I Thought “She” Was Terence Trent D’Arby

Chick #1: You know, a year ago I didn’t even know who Tracy Chapman was.
Chick #2: Even I knew who she was, and I’m not even black!
Chick #1: Well, I’m not black in the ways that count. I’m not outwardly, identifiably black…Well, except for my skin color.

–Broadway & 116th

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Watch

Girl on phone: This is so crazy because I was just watching Gossip Girl and I was like: "Oh my god, no one has dinner at Butter!" But then you just called me and invited me to dinner at Butter! It’s totally out of control.

–Barnard College

Man: The Tudors is like Law & Order for British actors. If you can’t get a job anywhere else, there’s always that.

–Cort Theater

Overheard by: office peon

Young man to friend: It’s called Tudor Place. Hey, you know that show on showtime, The Tudors? Maybe it’s that family and they moved over here. Because the buildings do look old.

–Bryant Park

Hipster: I watched Lost one time. I watched Lost one time! A big monsoon was coming and some dude closed a door on it. Closed a door on the monsoon! I was like: "Fuck this, I’m done."

–Outside an Irish Pub, 54th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: jon

Soccer mom: Charles in Charge was a consistently good show.

–51st St & 8th Ave

What About Ciara Mist?

Whole Foods employee #1: Yo man, do you know if we have any Kanye pepper?
Whole Foods employee #2: Nah, I think we’re out.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: Darling Pinky

The Earth Got So Fat That Nobody Loves It

Boy: When I was little I used to think that if the planet got heavy enough, it would start to fall.
Friend: You must have been pretty smart to even think that when you were a little kid.
Boy: But what if I still think that?
Friends: Then you're a dumb ass.

–C Train

Overheard by: Rafael DaSilva

I’m Reluctant to Say More

Dude: Hi, I’m looking for the World Trade Center.
Cop: Uhhh, yeah… You need to go to Manhattan.

–Ferry Terminal, Staten Island

Overheard by: Ghost Rock It

Like the Pilgrims Used to Do with the Indians

Ditzy girl #1: It's so weird. You can actually have arguments on Facebook.
Ditzy girl #2: Yeah! You can follow people's arguments on wall-to-wall.
Ditzy girl #3: That's so stupid. Why go to all that trouble when you can just pick up your phone and send them a text?

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: sam

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