Waitress: You guys are not from around here?
English tourist: No, we are from England.
Waitress: You sure do speak good English.
English tourist: Most of us do, back home.
–Denny’s
Waitress: You guys are not from around here?
English tourist: No, we are from England.
Waitress: You sure do speak good English.
English tourist: Most of us do, back home.
–Denny’s
Tourist guy #1: What’s a ‘papaya’?
Tourist guy #2: A hotdog.
–42nd & 9th
Overheard by: Caroline McGraw
Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn’t a fart because it didn’t smell, and… It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it’s called a ‘quip.’
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that’s not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it’s ‘queef.’
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s saying his name is ‘Queef’ or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No… Oh, lord. The sound, it’s ‘queef.’
Bimbo tourist #2: Who’s a ‘queef’? What’s going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he’s one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he’s telling us he’s gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I’m not… What? That’s ‘queer,’ you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here’s some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I’m homeless to you? I’m wearing fucking YSL over here… I ain’t queer and I ain’t homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend’s dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word…
Bimbo tourist #1: I’m not following… Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don’t know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: …I’m not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren’t, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I’m gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was…
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can’t you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway’s comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: … Last time I ever take a subway… Unbelievable shit I put up with… Fucking Civics… Unreliable fuckers…
–L train
Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody’s Jewish.
–Dobbin & Norman
Overheard by: Sam Tresler
Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you’re not Jewish, you’re, like… Jewish.
–Post-Yankees game on B train
Overheard by: Indiana
Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!
–Grand Central Station
Overheard by: X-tal
Lady suit: Are you saying you’d rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?
–18th & 6th
Overheard by: emily
JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!
–71st & Columbus
Overheard by: DebDan
Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there’s food around I have to eat it — even if I’m not hungry.
–Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Em
Queer: No, like, of course you’re not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.
–113th & Broadway
Overheard by: hilla
Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We’re here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?
–New Yorker Hotel elevator
Overheard by: Alyssa
Thug in Navigator: Hey! Where’s Brooklyn Bridge at from here?
Guy in car: Uhhh…
Queer in back seat: You’re asking three white guys in a Connecticut car? Fuck! You ain’t gonna make it.
–Flatbush Ave, off the BQE
Overheard by: TK, third guy from CT who didn’t know either
Tourist: Is that train going to 18th street?
New Yorker: Yes.
Doors close.
New Yorker: But you’re not.
–Union Square Station, 4/5/6 platform
Overheard by: amused MD
Guy: Excuse me, miss. Excuse me. Excuse me! Woman, move!
Girl: Dude, I’m not a tourist.
Guy: Oh. Sorry.
–59th St & Lex
Sketchy Guy in trenchcoat: Hey, you ladies want some juice?
Girl #1: Oh my god! He just tried to sell me drugs! One day in New York, and some guy tries to sell me drugs. This is awesome!!
Girl #2: Baby, I think he’s coming on to you.
Girl #1: Oh, you sick bastard!
–43rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Angie
Bostonian Girl: I need to get clothes for the city.
Bostonian Guy: What’s wrong with what you have?
Bostonian Girl: Are you kidding? We’re in New York City, you can’t wear North Face in NYC. They’ll be able to tell we’re New Englanders from a mile away.
–Fordham University
