Tourists

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer Omaha

Tourist: I don’t like this train line. On the L line they have benches so that you can kneel down and pray… And they don’t have crevices digging into your ass and shit.

–1 train

Tourist girl: Let’s go to the Upper Wet Side.

–Palace Theatre, Broadway

Tourist: You haven’t been raped and stabbed ’til you’ve been raped and stabbed in New York.

–Central Park

Dude with huge backpack, clutching a map: Sometimes you just don’t want to see a huge ball of twine, y’know? It’s, like, 200 miles away. [Guy next to him nods head vigorously.]

–Manhattan-bound L train

Middle-aged tourist on cell: No, we gotta go to Penn Central. Trust me, I know this place — we gotta get to Penn Central.

–Penn Station

Touché, Ann Coulter, Touché

Tourist guy #1: New York is cool man, a lot of places to visit and shit.
Tourist guy #2: Yeah, I know… I can’t wait to find me one of them horny-ass "Sex in the City" whores to suck me up while I’m here.
Tourist guy #1: That’s a myth, you fag. It ain’t real.
Tourist guy #2: Look at those moms over there. I bet they’re craving some young cock.

–Outside Radio City Music Hall

Overheard by: FatCop

And Momma Bear Said, “This Advice Is Too Friendly”

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to an earlier incident, all Sixth Avenue line trains are running over the Eighth Avenue line. Please be patient.
Confused tourist lady: What does that even mean? I don’t understand.
Suit: It means that if you want to take any of the trains on the orange line you transfer at the next station like normal, but instead of going downstairs you just wait on that platform for the train you want.
Middle-aged woman across aisle: They’re not orange line trains. It’s the B, the D, the F and the V. Real New Yorkers don’t call it the orange line.
Suit: Hey, lady, fuck you. There, is that New York enough for ya?

–E train approaching W 4th St

Remember the Good Old Days Of Junkies and Whores?

Tourist #1: Where are we going? Do you know where we're going?
Tourist #2: Oh, yeah. I recognize this. We're going north. We're definitely going north.
Tourist #1: Oh, yeah, you're right.
Nearby New Yorker: I hate this place. They're all crazy.

–Crossing Broadway & 42nd St

Well, I Guess I Have Time for a Short One

Comedy promoter: Come on! Great show — you know you want to come!
Tourist girl: No, thanks, I’m good. C
Comedy promoter: Come on! We have midget strippers!

–Times Square

Wheresday One-Liners

NYU guy to tourist friends: Well, here's Grand Central!

–Broadway & Waverly

Guy on Sidekick to another: I wasn't sure if he was talking about Buffalo or Baltimore! I mean, I don't even know where Buffalo is! Is it a state?

–1 Train

Overheard by: amalthya

Ditzy girl sobbing on cell: You don't understand! They told me I was supposed to go to Penn Station but I just don't know where that is!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: queenofscots

Guy on cell: I don't get it–why go all the way to Ireland if you're not going to go see Stonehenge?

–Costco, Brooklyn

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Is this Times Square?

–85th & 1st

Overheard by: Special K

Wednesday One-Liners Want to Be a Part Of It

Suit: That's why I can't help but love New York. New York is like the sick uncle that touches you when no ones around.

–Grand Central Terminal

Girl, after passing a tourist bumping into her: In New York we say "excuse me!"

–Macy's, Herald Square

Overheard by: The City Planner

Guy to friend: Are we in the inner city or just the city?

–1st Ave & 6th St

Dude walking out of Penn station: You know what's great about going out in New York City? You can get completely bombed and it's no big deal, because you'll probably never see those people again, you know?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: BPV

Aussie: The key to this city is to use words like "shitter."

–96th & Columbus Ave

Another One Undergoes His NYC Initiation

Tourist: Excuse me, would you mind moving your bag? It’s touching my knee.
New Yorker: What the fuck! You’re not from around here, are you son?
Tourist: No sir, I’m from Richmond Virginia. Just got in this morning.
New Yorker: Yeah, no shit.

–9 train

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Only Crazy Subway Preachers Know Both

Tourist: Does this train stop at Cortland Street?
Nun: Yes, it does.
Guy: No, it doesn’t. The station is closed.
Nun: I’ve been riding this train over 20 years. It stops at Cortland Street.
Guy, as train passes Cortland Street station: Lady, you may know Jesus, but I know the subways.

–1 train

NYPD Booked Them Posthumously

Tourist father to family, crossing mid-block: Okay, this is our first jaywalk!
Little kid: I'm so excited!

–45th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Linda Stein

© 2026 OverheardinNewYork.com
Hat Tip 🎩 to The Marketing Scientist