Tourists

But He’s a Major Tourist Attraction

Manic tourist lady #1: Oh wow, the front of the train. I’ve never been in FRONT before. Look! Haha! No driver!
Manic tourist lady #2: No driver? Seriously? Excuse me, sir? Who’s driving this subway?

Local looks up from paper and looks around frantically.

Manic tourist #2: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, should we get off?
Manic tourist #1: Oh, calm down. He’s just joking. We can’t get off ’til Union Square.
Local: Ma’am, I swear to God that I’m not joking. Nobody’s driving this train. I’m just as terrified as you are.
Manic tourist #2: Oh, whatever. He’s one of those New York assholes we heard about. Ignore him.

–4 train, 59th St

Overheard by: got off too

The Houston Rockets — Tallest Kickline in the City

Tourist woman looking at Radio City Music Hall: That’s where the Rockets are.
20-ish son: Who are the ‘Rockets’?

–50th & 6th

Your American Beer Is Like Squeezings from My Weimeraner

Man: Hey, are you guys from Germany?
Tourists: Ja?
Man: I’ll tell you one good thing about Germany — the beer, the food, and the women.
Tourist: Ja.

–N train

Overheard by: Don Willmott

Let's Just Run Through Traffic and Hope for the Best

Subway announcement: Service changes will affect the “d” as in “Darby” line and “v” as in “victim” line.
Tourist mom to family: Honey, I don't think it's safe to take the subway, let's get out.

–Prince Street Subway Stop

Seriously, No One Says “Spawned”

American man: So you’re a tourist from Great Britain?
British man: Yes, I am.
American man: Where did you learn to speak English?
British man: We spawned the language, you know.
American man: No. . . that was the English.

–Statue of Liberty crown

Solve Their Riddle, and They Will Provide a Sherpa to Take You the Rest Of the Way

Tourist kid to random guy: Do you know where St. Mark's is?
Random guy: You see that spinny cube?
Tourist kid: Yeah.
Random guy: And do you see that clump of punk rock Midwesterners?
Tourist kid: No.
Random guy: Well, you're gonna.

–Astor Place

Wednesday One-Liners Are Another Year Older but None the Wiser

20-something: I didn't even realize it was my birthday until I checked Facebook!

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: mtrainetiquette

Girl to friend: We should celebrate tonight–it's my half birthday in 10 days.

–Crocodile Lounge, E 14th St

Tourist: See nobody is wearing birthday scars…

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy to girl: Wait, did you really believe I was going to get you a Hello Kitty vibrator for your birthday?

–45th & 8th

Drunk girl to hobo: It's my birthday! You should be giving *me* money!

–111 & Broadway

If Paris Hilton Comes Into Red Lobster, We’ll Discuss It

Woman: Where are you from?
Tourist: We’re from Texas! Why, could you hear our accents over there?
Woman: No, it’s because in New York we know that you can’t bring dogs into restaurants.
Tourist: You can’t?
Woman: No, you can’t. We work for the Department of Public Health. Consider this a warning.
Tourist: Oh. I thought it was ok because y’all are ok with Paris Hilton and all.

–Red Lobster, Times Square

Overheard by: Lynne & Craig

From the People Who Brought You Seaman, Dyckman, and Gay Streets…

MTA conductor: Rector street is next. The next stop is rector street.
Old lady tourist to friend: Rector… Rector… Rectum.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Well, we’ve all thought it

To Protect and… and…. Damn!

Meek tourist, after spending 10 minutes trying to hail a cab: Can you please help me hail a cab?
Disgruntled cop: Fuck you! Find your own damn cab! Christ!

–Times Square

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