Let's Get Ready to Wednesday One-Liiiiiiiiiiner!

Chick on cell: It attacked me this morning. I attacked it this afternoon.

–113th St

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Six-year-old boy on train platform to grown man eyeing him: Stop looking at me or I'm going to beat you up!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Turning away now.

Hipster on cell: Wait…so he hit you with the broom first, right?

–60th & Lex

Overheard by: Easy Does It

Shopper on her cell: If one of these little kids steps on my toes one more time I'm gonna pinch the motherfuckers.

–Ikea in Red Hook

Woman in bathroom: No, there's no toilet paper. You wanna throw down?

–Port Authority

Posted on July 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Boys, Customers, Girls, Hipsters, Kids, Not New York, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Port Authority, Punch, Store, Threats, Time, Upper East Side, Violence, Women

Why Is She Telling Her Daughter a Horse ‘Fits’ Her?

Mother: So, if you could be any animal, which do you think would represent you the best? I think a horse fits you.
Daughter: What? A horse? No. I want to be a unicorn.
Mother: You’re mentally ill.

–Balthazar, Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: apples

Posted on July 25, 2015
Animals & Nature, Assholes, Compare/Contrast, Families, Girls, Kids, Moms, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Violence

I Probably Should Join the Marines and Learn How

Girl #1: So I saw Juno the other day, it was really funny.
Girl #2: Yeah, the girl from that movie Hard Candy is in that where she like tortures a pedophile.
Girl #1: Oh yeah! That movie rocked my socks off. Man I would give anything to kick a pedophile in the neck.

–Duane Reade, 34th & 5th

Posted on July 25, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Duane Reade, Girls, Kick, Movies, Robbing the Cradle, Violence

That and This Cattle Prod

Salesguy #1, about teen crowd blocking the door: Do you want to tell them to leave?
Salesguy #2: No.
Salesguy #1: Why not?
Salesguy #2: Because I don’t want to get my ass whooped, that’s why! [Teens leave a few minutes later.] See, they’re gone! It’s all in the power of positive thinking!

–T-Mobile Store, 732 Broadway

Posted on July 23, 2015
Coworkers, Philosophy, Questions, Store, Talking/Convos, Vendors & Street Performers, Violence

It's Her Parents' Fault for Naming Her “Switzerland”

Little girl #1: Don't push me! You shouldn't push! It's rude!
Little girl #2: I did not push you!
Little girl #3: I'm the third party! I didn't do anything!

–Herald Square

Overheard by: The 4th party

Posted on July 22, 2015
Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Parks, Politics, Violence

Exciting New Ways to Relate

Gangsta #1: I’m telling you man, you don’t have to slap the bitch, you just got to spit on her couple times a week.
Gangsta #2: Yeah?
Gangsta #1: Yeah, you don’t wanna leave no bruises cause her moms will fuck you up, but if you spit on her a couple times, she’ll quit willyin’.

–D train

Overheard by: Tim C

Posted on July 17, 2015
Anger Management, Gangstas, On the Subway, Relationships, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Violence

That's What You Said About the Original Becky from Roseanne!

Teenage girl #1: Whatever happened to that ShamWow guy?
Teenage girl #2: I think he got beat up by some prostitutes or something.

–10th & Broadway

Posted on July 16, 2015
Nostalgia, Prostitution, Questions, Teens, The Village, Violence

Fast Times at Wednesday One-Liners

Teacher: My father always told me, "Never run away from a fight. If the guy's bigger than you, hit him. If he gets back up, hit him again. If he gets back up again, hit him with a garbage can. If he still gets back up, run like hell, 'cause this dude's gonna kill you!"

–Stuyvesant High School

Teacher: Okay. Emergency procedures. If the fire bell rings, we run like hell.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Goober

Chinese teacher (referring to Sichuan earthquake): They had a saying after the earthquake happened that originates from a male part. "People are supposed to rise up, and get hard!" …and be strong.

–Bard High School Early College

Math teacher: Give me your little men!

–Spence School

English teacher: I could be charged with child abuse in some states for teaching grammar in 90-degree weather. (student is silent) I'm not going to hit you.

–Brooklyn Tech

Overheard by: Julie

Posted on July 15, 2015
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Crime and Punishment, Erections, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Heat, Murder, One-liners, Penis, Robbing the Cradle, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

So That’s Where David Horowitz Went

Ranting woman: We should be boycotting products from all those big corporations like Microsoft, and General Motors, and Nike, and–
Hobo: Shut the fuck up before the corporation gets to you and tortures you to death.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Ting

Posted on July 14, 2015
Business and Commerce, Crazies, Death, Hobos, Homeless, Manhattan, People, Places, Topics, Violence, Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Loiners

Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I'll put that fuckin' falafel on my dick!

–LaGuardia & W 4th

Overheard by: Not drunk

College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! …so I slapped her with it!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Kate V.

Woman to man: See, I don't have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.

–South Park Slope

Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don't care who you are, if you're racist, I. Will. Fight. You.

–Central Park Entrance

Overheard by: HAIR-y

Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.

–Century 21 Store

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn't have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I'm serious. (pause) Yeah, no…I don't know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.

–Penn Station

Posted on July 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Central Park, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Height, Insults, Jocks, Men, On Cell, Park Slope, Penis, Penn Station, Port Authority, Race, Sex, Store, The Village, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Violence