Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Cover of People

Tween boy: Then Tom Cruise and Will Smith get married and have babies.

–74th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Rachel

3 year old: Ahhh, my mouth is on fire! My mouth is on fire! Help me, Tom Cruise!

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex

Man to girlfriend: Shit, I like that Martha Stewart. She a gangsta in disguise.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Guy: He is like the L. Ron Hubbard of Teach for America.

–Lenny’s, 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: Rebecca

Crazy guy: You fuckers don’t deserve to be here! John Lennon died for peace and tolerance! Get the fuck out of here, queers! John died for peace and humanity!

— 72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: emily

Chick on cell: Yeah, he wouldn’t watch my kid last night because he was hanging out with Wilmer Valderrama.

–1st Ave between 12th & 13th

Hobo: Betty Boop killed Martin Luther King!

–1 train

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

When Narcissists Converse

Queer: Oh my God, I hope that guy over there thinks I’m cute.
Hag: Oh no, I hope I’m not pregnant.

–Uptown 1 train

Overheard by: cooldude

Wednesday One-Liners Should Have Tried a Puppy First

Guy, watching a toddler have a meltdown on the sidewalk: Where’s Susan Smith when you need her?

–Hudson & Jane

Overheard by: jose clunie

College girl: Mom, I can’t babysit them. Mom! Listen to me! I’m sorry, I don’t like babies. I find we have very little in common.

–34th & Broadway

Lady: I don’t know if that woman ever found her baby’s head!

–King’s County civil court, Brooklyn

Overheard by: kate s

Mother to infant: I’m so glad you’re getting a personality now! You used to just sit there and bore the fuck out of me. I wasn’t sure if I was going to love you! You’re not going to remember that, are you? [to friend] Is she?

–Water St & Hanover Sq

Overheard by: zack

Guy surrounded by kids: You’re all a bunch of savages. Little savages, that’s what you are!

–151st & Broadway

Overheard by: Pants

Woman to baby in stroller: No crying! Crying is unacceptable. I don’t care how bored you are. [to clerk] Does this come in pink?

–J Crew, Tme Warner Center, Columbus Circle

Lady on cell: No, she don’t like anyone. She mean as shit…Nah…Nah…She don’t even like her own children.

–Port Authority

Wednesday One-Liners Make the Beast With Two Backs

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

–57th & 7th

Woman on cell: When sex turns into math, you’ve got trouble on your hands.

–Union Square

Overheard by: McFreaky

Chick, screaming into cell: What a bitch! I swear, it’s getting harder and harder to fuck your co-worker and get away without people finding out!

–JFK

Overheard by: Pixie

Realist on cell: Well you can’t expect every guy you sleep with to call you back.

–53rd & 6th

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Business woman: No, I told her I’d rather have sex with my husband than buy her products. And then she hung up on me.

–Chipotle, 22nd & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Complicated Genealogy

Man on crowded train: If my mother were here, I’d sit on her lap.

–Downtown A train

Overheard by: not his mother

Amateur anthropologist: It’s not incest unless it’s, like, your brother.

–E 72nd

Mom, to teenage son: Darling, sweetie, love of my life, I’ve accepted that you’re gay, haven’t I? And there’s a lot more that I’m willing to accept. But if there is one thing I’m not ok with, it’s flat-ironing my son’s hair. Ask your sister.

–Uptown 6 train

Woman on cell: You did what?…Why the fuck would you do that?…Yeah, I know he’s your cousin, but you didn’t have to tell him that I slept with his brother. I was going to tell him…When?…After we got married!!

–13th & University

Girl, digging through purse: Shit, I think my cousin robbed me.

–Urban Outfitters, Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: intern

Screaming woman: I’m not in your house; I’m in the middle of the street! Stop making fun of my grandmother!

–W 139th St, 2 a.m.

Overheard by: Isha

Girl on cell: I don’t look at him like a father; I look at him like the man who gave birth to me.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Cat

Not So Different. You Suck Blood, and I’m in Advertising.

Scarecrow guy: You know, I’m pretty normal, for someone who’s completely out of control.
Woman: Right.
Scarecrow guy: We’re in different worlds now. I’m pretty Goth, and we’re trying to convince people we’re vampires. You’re a college grad. Different worlds, you know.

–LIRR

Overheard by: college grad’s friend

Wednesday One-Liners Make Mary Kate Heave

Girl on cell: So I woke up with a slice of pizza on my stomach again last night.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Frank B

Man: You know my theory: ground beef makes anything taste better.

–6 train

Overheard by: Sol

Old woman: Give me a donut. But not a very sweet one. I’m diabetic.

–Clarkson Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: astronugget

Fat woman on cell: “Butter Lovers” or “X-treme Butter” with an X?

–Duane Reade, 34th & 8th

Overheard by: Rita

Teenage boy: I had frosted Cheerios for breakfast. That’s some heavy shit.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Madison Parks

Woman, yelling into her cell in a thick Puerto Rican/New York accent: I had to call you. Guess what I’m thinking about right now? Guess! You know the little peanut man on the jar of peanuts? Him! The little peanut man.

–crosstown bus, 72nd & Lex

Queer: Here’s what I want you to do. First, I want you to spread chocolate on my chest. Then, I want you to spread some nougat, then some caramel and roasted peanuts. Then I want you to fuck me and call me Snickers.

–Fire Island

The United Colors of Wednesday One-Liners

Young guy: I was in a spaceship speaking Arabic.

–Chambers & Broadway

White guy on cell: You’re Japanese. You should like Swiss.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Lizzerd

The Tiny Tops Are Called Booty Do Rags

Woman #1: She got a booty do
Woman #2: A booty do?
Woman #1: Yeah, you know, when your belly stick out more than your booty do?

–4 train

The Adolescent Female Hybrids Are Strangely Weepy

Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren’t interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think….I feel you’re being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids….
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We’ll continue this later.

–7th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: I really hope they’re gardeners

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