Words

And Given It a Reality Show Called Kirstie Alley's Big Life

Teenage girl: But it's not a squid, it's an octopus.
Father: It's a cephalopod.
Teenage girl: But if it just rose out of the water, all of a sudden, and grabbed hold of the bridge, what would people scream? “Help! It's a giant cephalopod!”?
Father: The more erudite among them would scream that, yes.
Teenage girl: (laughs)
Father: Actually, I think they would just scream, “Aaaarggghhh!”
Teenage girl: Stop it! People are staring!
Father: But I find it hard to believe that something that big could just sneak up on people.
Teenage girl: Yeah. If it existed, they would have found it by now.

–Brooklyn Bridge

Wednesday One-Liners Could Pinch Hit for William Safire

Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what’s the word again?

–Men’s Wearhouse, 34th & 5th

Overheard by: erak

Tourist woman on cell: That’s not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It’s like a tough guy or a street guy.

–56th & 5th

Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.

–12th & 1st

Guy: Korean words don’t end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"… and "Hyundai".

–Chelsea Market

Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you’re in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it’s better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."

–Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!

–17th & 6th

Overheard by: Thirsty Violet

Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Anyone Else Feel Like There Should Be a Bottle in the Middle?

Girl #1 to friends on subway: I love sitting like this, we can all see each other… It’s like…
Girl #2, almost in unison with girl #3: It’s like we’re in a circle, yeah!
Girl #3: And you’re like, like, the point!

–5 Train

That’s the Problem With Cuss-Inflation

Girl #1: She is such a motherfucker. No -that’s not strong enough. She’s a -there aren’t words to describe her.
Girl #2: How about motherfucking motherfucker?
Girl #1: Not strong enough!
Girl #2: How about…
(girl #1 drops her bag, and stuff spills out)
Girl #1: Motherfucker!
(pause)
Girl #1: See, she can’t be a motherfucker, because that was a motherfucker!

–110th & Columbus

Nuh-Unh!

Man: I don’t have a thousand dollars to give you.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I don’t. I can give you some money today, but I don’t have a thousand.
Woman: You do too, sir.
Man: I can write you a check later this week, but I don’t have a thousand right now.
Woman: You do too, sir.

–Courtroom D, 100 Center St

Overheard by: Inkling

Scene from Every Puberty Movie Ever Made

Girl #1: So, like, I don't understand why everything is so… strange.
Girl #2: Strange as in… mot normal?
Girl #1: I mean strange as in weird.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jenn

None of That Explains Carrot Top

First man: So after Cain killed Abel he was sent from exile and went up Europe way.
Second man: Not Asia?
First man: No, the Caucus mountains… that’s up Europe way.
Second man: Oh, you mean like Turkey.
First man: And since black people don’t like the cold, Cain went to live in a cave and started to grow and was the first caveman. Now at that time there was dinosaurs but they weren’t really dinosaurs, we call them dinosaurs but that’s just how God made animals, you know, until you start messin with the DNA of ’em.
Second man: Oh!
First man: Then Cain met his sister and they had a baby together but since Cain was cursed for being the first murderer their baby came out an obino.
Second man: An obino?
First man: Yeah, a red-headed blue-eyed obino and that’s where white people come from. Then they went to the north pole and you know it’s light there six months and it’s dark there six months and the wind is always blowing and that’s where Asian people come from. That’s why they eyes is like that because the wind was always blowin in they faces.

–D Train

Either Way, Dane Cook Isn't Very Funny

Girl #1: I think he is bipolar.
Girl #2: Umm…he's dyslexic. There's a big difference.

–Frank Sinatra School of the Arts High School

Headline by: PeterG

Runners-Up:
· “Bi-Curious Perhaps?” – muppet show
· “Either Way He’d Make a Perfect Phys Ed Instructor” – Ron D.
· “I’m Sorry…I Meant Diqolar” – Slater
· “You Say ‘Tomato’, I Say ‘Fuck You, I’ll Cut You!'” – Frank Vasquez

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Grey’s Wednesday One-Liners

Girl talking to another girl: I like rectal physiology.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: no need to take her to a movie

Fireman, mocking drunk voice and crazy walking: Where are my kneecaps? Has anyone seen my kneecaps? Where the hell did my kneecaps go?

–Times Square

Overheard by: jacki

Man on street talking seriously to friend: And then the lady’s head fell into the toilet bowl.

–White St & W. Broadway

Overheard by: I would have loved to hear the ending of this story..

Guy: It would be better if we could see our own bodies cut up, all laid out on front of us like this!

–Entering the Bodies Exhibition, South Street Seaport

Girl in train: It’s so cold that my ears are freezing their asses off!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Not High, Kumar

Woman at next table: Well, I only get cold sores on my nose.

–The Mermaid Inn, 2nd Ave & 5th

And the Rest I Just Use During Sexting

Girl, while texting: Cindy, this is so weird.
Cindy: What is?
Girl: My predictive text. My phone recognizes “intravaginal”, “labradoodle,” “hornswoggle” and “clusterfuck,” but won't recognize “pomegranate” or “wildebeest!”
Cindy: Why would you need to use those words?
Girl: I like those pomegranate jelly beans my mom got from T.J. Maxx.

–M1 Bus

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