Words

Wday 1 Lnrz — U Like?

Girl on cell: Sorry I texted you when you were giving birth.

–27th St & Park Ave

20-something girl: I kept saying, "I emailed a text to him!"

–Pub, 59th & 3rd

Overheard by: Bluetoothed them a postcard

20-something girl correcting her friend's text message: No, you don't need an apostrophe there. It's "hos," plural, not "of or pertaining to a ho."

–M15 Bus

Overheard by: Lauren

Guy with suitcase on cell: I sent him a text asking if I could stay at his place, and he said sure. I find out today he was being sarcastic.

–116th & Broadway

Student: Okay, it's 3:20. I think it's an appropriate time to text Ben and tell him I had a sex dream about him.

–Sarah Lawrence College

Overheard by: Anna

What the Hell’s a “Bum”?

Hobo: Can I have a cigarette?
Girl: Sorry, I just bummed my last one to that guy.
Guy: Dude, you just said “bum” to a bum.

–Central Park

Like the ’60s, but Not So Fake

Teen latina #1: … And I asked this boy’s name and he was like, ‘Renaissance.’ And I was like, ‘Is that the name your mama gave you?’ And he was like, ‘Yeah, Renaissance.’
Teen latina #2: What’s his name?
Teen latina #1: Renaissance. You know, like… Renaissance. Like… Renaissance. Ren-aissance. Like, when there used to be princesses and shit. Like, they’d dress all… You know, the Renaissance.

–1 train, 103rd St

Overheard by: EthanK

Mom and Dad Finally Get It

Woman: That was our daughter. She's not gonna make it. Kyle's running late so brunch is turning into late lunch.
Man: “Late lunch”? That's code for “pot”!

–5Ninth Restaurant

Overheard by: never heard that one before

Only because It’s Our Safe Word

Little boy pointing at mannequins: Bitch!
Mother: Hey! Didn’t I tell you not to say that word? It’s a bad word!
Little boy: That’s not fair! You never yell at Daddy when he says that to you!

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Wednesday One-Liners Invest in the Biotech Industry

Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.

–FAO Schwartz

40-ish man on cell: I bought this bitch sneakers and Tims, and I ain’t even seen no pussy!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Mary D

Old man: That’s when I knew that bitch was the bitch for me.

–84th & 1st

Overheard by: Mikey

Pretentious professor with ponytail: Bitch could convey everything with an ellipsis…

–69th & Columbus

Won’t You Please Donate to Help These Poor Victims of Time Travel?

Shirtless old guy, walking over to a group of friends: Looks like you got a nice circle there, mind if I join you guys?
Stranger: No, I think we’re good…
Shirtless old guy: Well, I’ll be back…[looks up at the trees.] Do you see the pterodactyls? …up there, the dinosaurs? [Wakes up a hobo on the benches.] Sir, you see them, don’t you? …pterodactyls…pkawww pkawww [flaps his arms.][back to the group of friends]I’ll be back. pkawww!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Arvind Chandra

Probably Best to Do It While You're Spanking Her

Man #1: That's tough…
Man #2: Yeah. It's like asking your girl to lick your balls. There's no nice way to do that.

–Steinway St

Overheard by: Jake Blaxwell

And Sometimes Pre-Mustard

Film professor: What kind of movie causes a bodily reaction?
Student:… Pornography?
Film professor: And what does pornography cause your body to produce?
Student, after long pause: Bodily… fluids?
Film professor: Otherwise known as… Cum!

–Columbia Universtiy

I’ll Follow in the Footsteps of the Guys Who Invented “Poontang” and “Beaver Pie”

Guy: I’ve started calling vaginas “Panninis.”
Girl: You dug this hole!
Guy: Yeah, and now I’m gonna bury myself in it -which is great, because it’s the perfect size to fit my dead corpse!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Therese

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