All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners Are a Perfect Match

Teen girl: Yeah, and then I woke up in a pool of his vomit. It was awesome.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: SammyCat

Construction worker on cell: Yeah, she walked right in…Man, I was friggin’ jerking off!…No. She stayed and watched…Of course I’m calling her again.

–53rd & Lexington

Man on cell: She and I both got diarrhea at 11:00 exactly. I mean, we’re like E.T. and Elliot.

–20th & 5th

Girl on cell: I’m telling you, watching my boyfriend get head was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen!

–F train

Overheard by: seraphina

Let’s Move Some Wednesday One-liners Product

California chick: I was doing ketchup commercials in fourth grade; imagine where I could be now.

–Gatsby’s, Spring Street

DVD bootlegger: Counterfeit? How can these be counterfeit products if they haven’t even made the real ones yet?

–34th & 7th

Girl: Ohmigod! She keeps sending me tea! She’ll send me tea but not money! I don’t need tea! I need money! She’s freakin’ crazy!

–MailBoxes Etc., Columbus & 82nd

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: That’s why I wanna take a business class, so my album can sell.

–BMCC

Overheard by: Goadster

Street vendor: Rims, Rims…buy some rims. Don’t have to own a car to buy rims!

–28th & 5th

Overheard by: Larissa Kyzer

Boy: Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention please? My name is Dante, and I’m not selling candy for my basketball team. I’m selling candy for myself, trying to get some cash in my pockets.

–4 train

Blockbuster girl: Well, Sideways is supposed to be totally good. It won a Grammy for Best Picture.

–Astoria Blockbuster

Overheard by: L.C.P.

I Think He’s a Wednesday One-liner!

Queer: Yeah he’d be perfect for you if he wasn’t straight. You both love dogs.

–13th & A

Girl: So I have, like, this army of lesbians chasing after me, but it’s too bad; I have to tell them I switched back over.

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Guy: …sprinkled cocaine in his asshole and snorted it.

–18th between 5th & 6th

Pretty-boy: She’s like, “So I’m not a tranny just because I can’t afford the hormones?” and I’m like, “Um, yeah”. I mean, it’s my party, I can call you “she” if I want to!

–Atlas cafe, Williamsburg

Overheard by: emdashes

Girl: It’s not because you’re gay…it’s because we’re better than you.

–Greenpoint

Wednesday One-liners for the Fratboy

Girl: Ugh! And it smelled like a fucking frat basement in there!

–7th Street & 1st Avenue

Overheard by: Heather

Broker on cell: Less is more? Fuck that! I want it all.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Abe

Guy: You know, when I was a kid, all the little boys in the neighborhood would sit around and jerk each other off. It was always a circle jerk.

–44th & 9th

Wednesday One-liners Salute the University of New York

NYU chick on cell: You know you’re having a bad day when you break your aura.

–West 4th & Jones

Overheard by: Sam Zimman

Guy: NYU is like a disease. It’s shaping the minds of the fucking
future.

–South Street seaport

Chick on cell: Oh my god, I just totally bombed my final. But it’s not fair. It’s not my fault I got stuck in a class with all smart people. My grade’s totally going to skyrocket downwards.

–NYU, Waverly & Washington Square East

Overheard by: LMF

Wednesday One-liners Are the Chosen People

Player: Girl, your nose is like a Seinfeld episode.

–The Gate, Park Slope

A hobo sits with a HUNGRY JEW sign and begs: Lox, bagels, cream cheese? Lox, bagels, cream cheese?

–Broadway & 80th

Producer: Is Purim the holiday where they dress up? There was this little girl with an eyepatch and I was like, “Arr, you’re a pirate?” and her mom was like, “Actually, she had her eye put out.”

–27th street office

JAP on cell: I give up. I have been posting personal ads looking for “tall, dark and handsome” and all I ever end up with is “short, hairy, Jewish”. I guess I should just accept my fate.

–Starbucks, 48th & 3rd

Black guy: I ain’t Jewish, so I don’t be doin’ no Yom Kippur.

–D train

Overheard by: Nash Astor

Wednesday One-liners & the Race Question

Mother: He played basketball in college but since he’s a white boy he’s got no rhythm so he wasn’t very good.

–Chambers Street station

Guy: Yo, shit ain’t no country called blacknasia or whatever the fuck you said. Black people a color not a race!

–G train

Overheard by: J-Mo

Fat Black woman: You not letting me in? I been here for half an hour watching all these other girls just walk right by….what, you gonna let them in too?! That’s when I just gotta say, “Hey, that’s why I hate white people!”

–Marquee, 10th & 26th

Overheard by: Katie

Guy: We need to Montgomery bus strike their asses.

–190th Street station, rush hour

Black guy: I was spook! I was spook. Now, not spook like my people or nothin’, spook like a ghost or a ghoul or some shit.

–L train

It’s Not You, It’s Me (& Wednesday One-liners)

Woman: …and he wanted to break up with me so badly, he was like,
“Here, I’ll buy you an apartment!”

–Central Park sailboat pond

Overheard by: Sarahvb

Teen chick: I wouldn’t want to get married because it takes so long to get a divorce!

–Rockefeller Park

Russian lady: Ya…my mother was lucky. Not many women divorce lawyers.

–6 train

Lady: Come on, since my fucking boyfriend is a fucking crack head, we are fucking gonna pick up some guys tonight.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Julia Wright

Girl: I’m getting kind of tired of him. He used to be the kind of guy you could go out with and never have to talk.

–6 train

Guy on cell: …so I can fuck her, but I can’t marry her. See she’s Orthodox, but not Orthodox enough.

–Duane Reade, 51st & 3rd

Overheard by: Aryeh Jasper

Chick on cell: Honey, your boyfriend isn’t a boyfriend. He’s, like, a boyfriend-substitute…He’s, like, the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter of boyfriends.

–Times Square

Overheard by: djlindee

Eat, Drink, Wednesday One-liners

British chick: I just solved my lunch problem, because I hate raw cheese.

–27th Street office

Guy: Bitch, you better give me back my donuts or I’ll pull out your weave.

–Washington Heights

Overheard by: Vinson Guthreau

Guy: Nothing like going to Chuck E. Cheese to make you start drinking again.

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: JY

Lady: This is a yuppie McDonald’s. It’s all middle class people here.

–McDonald’s, 47th Street

Overheard by: Christa Bramberger

As a Brooklyn Brewery delivery truck passed a toddler on the sidewalk yelled: I love beer!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: tee sul

Bartender: If the Burp Castle ever closes it means the death of classical music in New York.

–Burp Castle bar, E. 7th Street

Guy on cell: Is this like that time where Laura told me that cat food was Lucky Charms?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Cynthia

My Anti-drug? Wednesday One-liners

Jersey girl: There is no way Anna Nicole lost that weight on TrimSpa. She’s obviously smoking crack.

–4 train

Chick: Yeah, she’s trying to put back on the 10 pounds she lost during her little crack experimentation.

–Rivington & Allen

Overheard by: Josh Mueller

Crackhead: I had never seen anybody smoking crack. I had no idea what it looked like, somebody smoking crack. Until my uncle. And you know, he changed my Pampers.

–Fourth Ave & Dean Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sparkle shortz

Long-hair: Yeah, so for my birthday I just got myself a shitload of mescalin. And all I did was sit in my apartment all day, tripping my ass off.

–14th & 8th

Overheard by: debo

Guy: I could have been an astronaut if i didn’t do so many drugs. Why
didn’t anyone tell me?

–Pratt Institute

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