Lesbian daughter: Wow, I have such burnt-out memory cells. Not to be confused with my sickle cell.
Sister, laughing: It’s all mom’s fault! All mom’s fault.
Lesbian to mom, screaming and laughing: Why didn’t you eat my placenta?! You should’ve eaten my placenta! You needed to eat my placenta!
Mom, calm as can be: I’m not African. And besides, you have enough people eating your placenta.
–Parking Lot, NYU College
Overheard by: Lesbian’s Wifey
Girl: So she accidentally gave you head?
Guy: Yeah.
Girl: I’m confused as to how this happened. Did she like sneeze and somehow her mouth ended up on your penis? I’m just having trouble with the logistics of this. I mean it must have been a pretty violent sneeze to force her head that far down. Or was it more sensual, smooth kind of sneeze…
Guy: You’re a sarcastic bitch.
Girl: Yeah, but now you have STD.
–8th St
Chick: No, seriously, man, I think your cat has rabies…
Guy, offended: And I thought you had rabies when I come home and find you hiding in my curtain yesterday, but I didn’t say anything then, did I?
–Greenwich Village
Guy #1: I love the spring time.
Guy #2: Man, you like looking at asses.
–Harlem
Overheard by: Evans Tucker
Guy: I hate people honking on their horns in still traffic. It never helps anyone.
Girl: Until I get a bumper sticker that says “Keep honking, it only makes my penis bigger.”
Guy: … And that’s my cue to go.
–1 Train
Teen girl: So I found a picture of him on facebook, half-naked, being straddled by some fourteen-year-old with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. I swear, my brother has all of my precocity, but none of my charm.
Older guy: Oh yeah, and none of your humility either.
–96th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: kids these days…
Dad in pet food aisle, near huge bags of kitty litter: You can’t haul that.
Son: 190 pounds of solid muscle, man.
Dad, snorting: Thought that was canoli.
–Key Food, 4th St & Avenue A
Overheard by: Michelle
Goatee-sporting man: …AND GOD HUMBLED HIMSELF AND BECAME ONE OF US…AND HE GAVE US FREE WILL…
Middle aged white woman: Yeah… Ummm, can you take this somewhere else?
–E train
Female attorney: Bush said that America will rebuild Lennon. Why should we? We didn’t bomb them. We have enough problems of our own to worry about. Bush is nuts!
Male attorney: Lennon’s been dead for over 25 years.
–Outside Civil Court, Queens
Overheard by: Big Larry
Suit #1: It’s not that I don’t like golf, but it is so similar to croquet, yet everyone makes fun of me for playing croquet!
Suit #2: Well, maybe it is because it’s an old lady’s sport.
Suit #1: Well, then goddammit — old ladies sure know how to have fun!
–59th & Broadway
