When God Closes a Wednesday One-Liner, He Opens a Window

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.

–B Train

Overheard by: JustMe

Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Brian Broker

MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you.

–G Train

Overheard by: lolz

Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be.

–A Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face.

–C Train

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on May 21, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Clerks, Conductors, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Laughter, Lies, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Why Cinderella Was Never Invited to Another Ball

Traffic police officer #1: She want balls with no cheese. I want cheese on my balls.
Traffic police officer #2: Oh, she nasty.

–Quizno's, Broadway & Franklin

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on May 14, 2015
Compare/Contrast, Cops, Coworkers, Default, Food, Lower Manhattan, Restaurants & Cafes, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Fair Enough.

Driver being diverted past blockaded street: What's going on here?
Cop diverting traffic: What's going on? It's New York freaking City! That's what's going on! Move along!

–9th Ave & 20th St

Overheard by: Mighty Spatula

Posted on May 8, 2015
Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Cops, Only in New York

Domo Arigato, Mr. Hoboto

Bum doing the robot: Zzzzzzz robot, zzzzzzz whirrr whirr, doing the robot.
Cop passing by, over car loudspeaker: That is the worst robot I've ever seen.
(crowd cheers)

–Times Square

Overheard by: omegatron

Posted on May 5, 2015
Cops, Gadgets, Hobos, Homeless, Weirdness

Sir, You Have the Right to Remain Moribund

Old woman to cop, looking down at man on sidewalk: Is he dead?
Cop: Yes, ma’am, I’m afraid he is.
Old woman: Good. Arrest him.

–Forest Hills, Queens

Overheard by: Wondering what this woman does at funerals

Posted on April 27, 2015
Advice, Cops, Old People, Queens

…And We've Been Together Ever Since.

20-something burnout: Would you like to know what this girl said last night, when she was tripping balls and the cops came to my house?
Friend: She thought she was in a nursing home!
20-something burnout: She was screaming all this crazy stuff. (pause) Wait, are you offended by dirty words?
Friend: Go for it.
20-something burnout: “You dick!”
Friend: Excuse me?
20-something burnout: “You fucking nigger faggot! Bitch-ass spic! I'm a fucking lesbian! You're a fucking lesbian!”

–Mineola Ave, Queens

Posted on April 16, 2015
Cops, Crazies, Crazy, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, Nicknames & name calling, Queens

Puerto Rican Pride

Female Police Officer: So he calls me at 1:59 and tells me, ‘I’m out with the guys and I won’t be able to be home by 2.’ So I say to him, ‘Just don’t come home at 6 am!’ and he says okay and then he comes home at 5:59!
Male Police Officer: Why do you put up with this?
Female Police Officer: Because once you go Puerto Rican, you never go a-seekin’!

–Precinct 90, Williamsburg

Posted on April 15, 2015
Cops, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Relationships, Williamsburg

Where There's Smoke, There's Wednesday One-Liner

Guy at ATM to friend: The $60 fast cash button should just be labeled "8th of weed."

–Chase Bank, Astor Place

Probation officer to juvenile: You think you can't get arrested for marijuana? Are you out of your damn mind? You're taking a drug test right now, you out-of-your-damn-mind son!

–Bronx Family Court

Overheard by: Adog

Guy to girlfriend: The more stoned I get, the better you sound.

–72nd St & Broadway

Guy: So then I smoked a goodnight bowl at Chris's.

–E 10th St

Overheard by: What about a good morning bowl?

20-something to friend: I'll save the world second, but I'll get high first.

–Houston & Essex