Crime and Punishment

JAP getting off at Berkeley Heights: I was getting anxious about getting anxious! It was like I had anxiety about getting anxiety! What? No, the pills aren’t for that. Shut up, Mom! I’ll call you later.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: embarrassed to live in jersey

JAP on cell: You know, it just goes to show you how sensitive we’ve become in this country to sexual misconduct and sexual… Sexual… What’s the word? Being sued.

–116th & Broadway

JAP on cell: … And then I totally just, like, bought it at Bergdorf’s… No, no! Not Bloomingdale’s — Bergdorf’s! You know, as in Bergdorf Cohen’s?

–serendipipty

Blonde JAP: Like, this is totally tighter than my colonoscopy. Ugh!

–Crowded A train

JAP on cell: Oh, that guy? I think he lost interest in me. One day I said something about how all the girls on the Upper East Side look the same and are totally boring, and he said, ‘But yeah! That’s you, too!’

–83rd & 3rd

Overheard by: A&M

Guy #1: I’ll be up in a minute. I’m just gonna have a smoke.
Guy #2, on speakerphone: Yo, I feel great!
Guy #1: Wait, so you’re not injured?
Guy #2: No, I have three screws in my leg… but no one’s getting arrested!

–Outside Lutheran Hospital

Overheard by: J-Dawg

Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’

–Washington Square Park

Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.

–153rd & Edgecombe

Overheard by: DaHustler

Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.

–Outside Whole Foods

Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting

Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time

Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!

–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move!
30-something uncle: Why? What’s the matter?
Five-year-old girl: There’s cops over there… We gotta move before you get arrested again… [Whispers] You’re still on probation, right?

–139th St, near 40th Precinct, Bronx

Overheard by: What are we teaching our kids?

Guy: Do you think you’d be able to take a dead fetus on a plane?
Girl: Maybe on a domestic flight.

–Barnard dorm

Overheard by: babs standigio

Mom: You’re going to have a great time.
Kid: But is Chicago safe?
Mom: Of course it is! Oprah lives there!

–JFK

Chick #1: Hey, did you hear? Paris Hilton’s going back to jail.
Chick #2: Really? That’s hilarious.
Chick #1: That’s horrible! She’s a decent human being who just needs some rehabilitation!
Chick #2: What the fuck is wrong with you, you dipshit?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Kristen

Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so he seemed like a really nice guy. I met him at Shaina’s party, we had an actual intellectual conversation, he may or may not have poisoned me…
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, but what if he did poison you? I mean, what then?

–3rd & 1st

Little girl: I can climb over fences. Did you know that?
Mom: I don’t want to know that.

–Manhattan School of Music Precollege

Headline by: Sarah Bella

Runners-Up:

· “Dora the Explorer Will Teach Anything” – I’m not racist, I swear.

· “Dr. Spock’s Missing Chapter: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – Barry Negrin

· “Razor wire: You can do it, Home Depot can help” – Sean S

· “You’ve been watching Daddy on COPS again, haven’t you?” – Bryan

· “Your Cage Got Mommy And Daddy Into A Lot Of Trouble” – JAG


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