Crime and Punishment

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Lawyers on Speed-Dial

Old man on cell: Oh, God, I was drunk out of my mind. I was drunk, drunk, drunk… Yeah, I was so drunk I don’t even remember being arrested. I woke up and I was like, ‘Where the fuck am I?’

–Washington Square Park

Buff black guy to small black guy: Maybe you should go to jail to get your weight up.

–153rd & Edgecombe

Overheard by: DaHustler

Guy on bench to friend: There is no way you’re not going to jail tonight.

–Outside Whole Foods

Overheard by: Big Apple repeat offender – just visiting

Tough guy on cell: Man, what are you worried about? So what if they brought you in? It’s not assault if you didn’t use a weapon, right?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chicagoan in NY for first time

Guy on cell: That would have been worse! Then I would have been resisting arrest at a black tie event!

–35th St, between 8th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

Wednesday One-Liners Fought the Law and the Law Won

Annoyed white girl: That cop with the flashlight was, like, shining it on my ass! So I was like, ‘Stop! I know my congressional rights, bitch!’

–Bus from Live Earth to Port Authority

Overheard by: Kevin

20-ish guy on cell: Yeah… Yeah, I talked to the cops, too! I told them I would kick her fucking jaw in if I didn’t get my money! Ma… Yeah, Ma, you know I don’t care!

–Thompson St, between W 3rd & Bleecker

Overheard by: The Simian Space Man

Conductor over intercom: Either we can have a peaceful ride uptown, or the police can ride with us. You decide [laughs maniacally].

–2 train

Overheard by: Ladle

[Hippie on bicycle loses concentration and crashes into lamppost.]

Cop in nearby squad car, over loudspeaker: Hahaha! Should’ve been more careful, or what?!

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Susan Laura

Chick: So, I’m up by Bryant Park, and there are all these cop cars lined up, and then one of them decides, ‘Okay, time to go!’ and he puts his siren on and pulls out, and all the rest of them following, all their sirens going whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop! And then I hear something that sounds like some guy going ‘whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop’ — like, he’s making siren noises — and I turn around, and there’s this cop… I guess the siren on his cop car wasn’t working or something, so he’s on the loudspeaker mic yelling, ‘Whoop-buppa-whoop-whoop!’ as they all zoom off down 42nd Street. It was crazy!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

And the Cocaine in My Anus Is Starting to Sting

Five-year-old girl: Uncle Joey, we need to move!
30-something uncle: Why? What’s the matter?
Five-year-old girl: There’s cops over there… We gotta move before you get arrested again… [Whispers] You’re still on probation, right?

–139th St, near 40th Precinct, Bronx

Overheard by: What are we teaching our kids?

Why Flight Attendants Hate Ventriloquists

Guy: Do you think you’d be able to take a dead fetus on a plane?
Girl: Maybe on a domestic flight.

–Barnard dorm

Overheard by: babs standigio

In the Middle of Her Web She Squats, Watching, Waiting

Mom: You’re going to have a great time.
Kid: But is Chicago safe?
Mom: Of course it is! Oprah lives there!

–JFK

Doesn’t Jail Provide Rehabilitation? Hahaha… Sorry.

Chick #1: Hey, did you hear? Paris Hilton’s going back to jail.
Chick #2: Really? That’s hilarious.
Chick #1: That’s horrible! She’s a decent human being who just needs some rehabilitation!
Chick #2: What the fuck is wrong with you, you dipshit?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Kristen

I’ll Have to See If He Still Respects Me

Hipster girl #1: Yeah, so he seemed like a really nice guy. I met him at Shaina’s party, we had an actual intellectual conversation, he may or may not have poisoned me…
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, but what if he did poison you? I mean, what then?

–3rd & 1st

You Were an Accident, Did You Know That?

Little girl: I can climb over fences. Did you know that?
Mom: I don’t want to know that.

–Manhattan School of Music Precollege

Headline by: Sarah Bella

Runners-Up:

· “Dora the Explorer Will Teach Anything” – I’m not racist, I swear.

· “Dr. Spock’s Missing Chapter: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – Barry Negrin

· “Razor wire: You can do it, Home Depot can help” – Sean S

· “You’ve been watching Daddy on COPS again, haven’t you?” – Bryan

· “Your Cage Got Mommy And Daddy Into A Lot Of Trouble” – JAG


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners, Esq.

Guy on cell: I’m sorry, I can’t talk now. I’m in the judge’s chambers. [Phone rings again.] Yes, your honor?

–Magic Johnson Theater, 125th St

Woman to three-year-old girl: Well, you need to talk to a lawyer when you want to get married.

–Outside NYU Law School

Black man screaming into phone: I’m tellin’ you, I ain’t goin’ to court no more. I. Am. Not. Goin’!

–City Hall

Pre-law student: Isn’t that arsony?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Drunk party-goer: No, no, the problem isn’t that they fired all these prosecutors. The problem is they didn’t try to hide it! Clinton did the same thing! It’s all about what you do in public. Like, you can fuck anybody you want, but if you do it in public, it’s rape!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Law professor: Death is bad, but there is a tax advantage.

–NYU Stern School of Business

Ditzy Chinese chick: So, I went on this job interview with this law firm, right? And this lawyer who was interviewing me was really cute, ya know? So at the end of the interview he stood up, and I wasn’t sure what to say so I said, ‘Well, I don’t know whether you’re going to hire me or not, but I’d really like to fuck you.’ So he came to my apartment after work and fucked me. Then I get a letter two days later telling me I didn’t get the fucking job! Do you think that’s sexual harassment?

–Starbucks, Chinatown

Overheard by: Big Larry

Only You Can’t Leave When You Want To

Dude: Have you ever been to jail on Saint Patrick’s Day?
Girl: No. No, I have not.
Dude: It’s a party! It is such a party!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: SB

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