Geek boy: You printed out her whole Facebook page!
Asian girl: Dude, you’re a total stalker!
Stalker boy: I’m not a stalker, I just like to keep track of people!
–2 Train
Overheard by: MTA’s Flying Dutchman
Geek boy: You printed out her whole Facebook page!
Asian girl: Dude, you’re a total stalker!
Stalker boy: I’m not a stalker, I just like to keep track of people!
–2 Train
Overheard by: MTA’s Flying Dutchman
Trendy girl #1: I mean, Michelle’s one of my best friends…
Trendy girl #2: Oh, I’ve been meaning to ask you, did Michelle and Kyle break up?
Trendy girl #1: I think so. According to Facebook.
–A Train
Girl (sobbing): I’m sorry… I know cheating is never the answer… I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you.
(long silence)
Guy (chuckling): Sorry for laughing. I’m just thinking of what a better person than you I am.
(five minutes later)
Guy (still chuckling): You know you’re hot and guys hit on you all the time but what you forget is that I’m hot. Girls hit on me every day. But I’d never cheat because I’m a good person.
–Metro Cafe, 57th & 5th
Guy from Michigan: That stripper robbed me.
Cop: How so?
Guy from Michigan: She said if I gave her $150 she would jerk me off. I payed her the $150 and she didn’t do it. I want her arrested.
Cop: Is everyone from Michigan an asshole or just you?
–Show World
Dad: So what’s that thing you want for your birthday again?
Little boy: A Wii.
Dad: Wii? As in wee-wee? Gross!
Little boy: You’re immature.
Dad: You wet the bed.
Little boy: You’re immature.
–1 Train
Guy #1: So there I was, screwing my pillow in my sleep… Ya know, really bouncing the bed.
Guy #2: So… What? She didn’t like that?
Guy #1: Well, ya know, she woke me up and asked if I was alright. Ya know. I mean I was laying there with a boner you could break rocks with and all confused. That’s when I said “Where’s Julie?”
Guy #2: That’s freakin’ messed up, man!”
Guy #1: Yeah. Crap… That being her sister’s name and all.
Guy #2: I’m going to laugh my ass off over this. Did you tell her it was Julie Andrews?
Guy #1: Fuck! I didn’t want her to think I was a pervert or something.
–NYU
Customer to punk teenage girl behind counter: I’d like a dozen rolls, please.
Punk teenage girl: A dozen… What’s that, like twenty?
–Delicatessen, Park Place
Bearded guy #1: Wow! Two Quakers on one train! We could start a riot.
Bearded guy #2: Or whatever the opposite of a riot is.
–Metro North Hudson Line
Waiter from Minnesota: Yeah, check it out! Minnesota is the 2nd healthiest-eating state!
Bartender from Brooklyn: What do you eat in Minnesota?
Waiter: Well, there are a lot of Scandinavians there so we eat like, you know, sandwiches.
Bartender: (silence)
Waiter: What?
Bartender: You’re actually serious, aren’t you?
–Greenwich Ave & 7th Ave
Overheard by: TrigStarr
Creepy guy: I was in Japan and went on this rampage and slept with this woman who was 38 and had a kid and was married. Her husband had a bad back and couldn’t have sex with her, but he was fully aware I was sleeping with her. I was kind of doing him a favor.
Creepy guy’s date: Did he watch?
Creepy guy: No, but he wanted us to videotape it. So somewhere in Japan there’s a video of me doing it with an older woman.
–Park Slope
