Wednesday-One-Liner 451

5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.

–The Spence School

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!

–1 Train

20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.

–Thompkin Square Park

Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.

–Bleecker & Jones

Overheard by: Jas

Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!

–F Train

Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.

–C Train

Overheard by: G.

Posted on March 4, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Body Parts, Family Ties, Fire, Food, Friends, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, School, Singing, Students, Subway conductors, The Village, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Yuppies

Or at Least Do It Like I Taught You

Impatient nanny: Hurry up. Finish your ices already!
Little girl: No. (licks ices delicately)
Impatient nanny: For god's sake, stop giving that Popsicle a blow job!

–Prospect Park Zoo

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny

Posted on March 3, 2009
BJs, Brooklyn, Food, Girls, Kids

It'll Break Your Heart and Steal Your Friends

Crazy man, about dog: How old is she?
Dog owner: Five.
Crazy man: Doing better than I am! (wagging finger to dog) Stay away from curried chicken!

–East River Promenade

Posted on March 2, 2009
Age/Aging, Crazies, Food, Man's Best Friend, Men, Upper East Side

And She Would've Gotten Away with It, Too, If It Weren't for Those Darned Kids

Guy #1: See, I was in a diner the other day, I ordered some food and, yeah, I kinda noticed that the waitress was hot. Once I'd got my food and gone outside, I saw they hadn't given me my hash brown. So I went back in thinking, you know, I could get my hash brown and ask the waitress for her number or something. But when I got back the waitress was like “I ate your hash brown.”
Guy #2: She ate your hash brown?
Guy #1: She ate my hash brown!

–Lexington Ave b/w 40th & 41st

Posted on February 27, 2009
Food, Guys, Horny, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Weirdness

Kids Have the Intestinal Tracts Of Spotted Hyenas

Woman: We gotta get yogurt for the kids, too.
Man: I got yogurt.
Woman: Yeah, Activia. You can't be giving kids Activia! Kids already be shittin' like mad!

–Costco, Brooklyn

Posted on February 27, 2009
Brooklyn, Family Ties, Food, Kids, Men, Poop, Women

Thank Goodness We Don't Actually Have to Know Anything About Their Bodies

Yuppie guy: God, I can't even finish this. I feel completely bloated, like some chick. Disgusting.
Hipster guy: You feel like a chick?
Yuppie guy: Yeah…you know, like all girls get once a month: Bitchy, bloated, and popping those pills.
Hipster guy: You mean, like, the abortion pill?

–Pizza Shop, E 34th & 1st St

Posted on February 26, 2009
Abortion, Compare/Contrast, Food, Gender issues, Hipsters, Menstruation, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Yuppies

Glad You Got to the Root Of the Problem

Man to friend: So at that time I was having a lot of um, problems with…um, stuff.
Friend: Uh-huh.
Man to friend: And then I figured it out! I was eating a lot of beets at the time! (beams and laughs)

–49th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Lori_Lee

Posted on February 26, 2009
Food, Friends, Laughter, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Weirdness, Words

Killing Me Softly with His Wednesday One-Liner

Excited man on cell: Hey! Did you hear who died? Amanda's pretend husband died!

–N Train

Overheard by: Tophs

20-something woman to friend: Well, I wanna kill her and she wants to kill me, 'cause I took her husband.

–R Train

Overheard by: Tara

20-something hipster girl: I am a nihilist! Watch me die.

–Waverly & Mercer

Asian guy to white girl: All children are born evil. If they had the strength of an adult during childhood, they would kill someone just to get a lollipop.

–Queens College

Woman on cell: Okay! I get it. She's not a good person. Just kill her.

–Canal St & Laffaette St

Overheard by: Kay

Conductor: You're all gonna die! I'm your worst nightmare! Ahahahaha!

–C Train

Overheard by: P-Diddy