Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

Posted on January 31, 2007
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Backdoor, Brooklyn, Colors, Dildos and Vibrators, Duane Reade, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Health and Hygiene, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, People, Places, Private Parts, Queer guys, Queers, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Shopping, Store, The Village, Topics, Union Square and East Village, Venues

Like the Time I Made Out with a Hungry Kirstie Alley

Hipster girl #1: Are those ginger Altoids? I’ve never had those before.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, they’re my favorite. Would you like one?
Hipster girl #1: Okay. [A few minutes later] These are really strong! They kind of burn.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah! I love them because it’s like my tongue is being mauled by a bear! Rawr!
Hipster girl #1: Rawr!

–D train

Posted on January 29, 2007
Animals & Nature, Food, Hipsters, On the Subway

Meet Refried Jean

Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too… just not people ordering it while they’re having sex with me.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on January 28, 2007
Columbia University, Ethnic Food, Food, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Manhattan, People, Places, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Topics

Besides, We Have No Guarantee Her Super Powers Will Be Used Only for Good

JAP #1: Besides, you can’t fit a pancake in a hole that size.
JAP #2: Well, what if Hillary runs for President?
JAP #1: Yeah, like a Nazi Feminista president can bend the laws of physics.

–53rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Matt Chancellor

Posted on January 28, 2007
Food, Gender issues, JAPs, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nazis, Politics, President, Science

Here’s My List of Things It’s Okay to Eat…

Chick: Don’t eat that!
Guy: Why? What did you do to it?
Chick: Nothing! It’s just been all over the table!
Guy: [Silently eats it.]Chick: Oh my god. I’m never hooking up with you!

–Palladium Dining Hall, 14th & 4th

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on January 27, 2007
Cleanliness, Food, Friends, Hook Ups, Restaurants & Cafes

Fucking Opportunist

Hobo: Could you please spare some change for Christmas? Merry Christmas?
Yuppie: I have something for you, my friend! I have some fruitcake!

–West 4th St

Overheard by: Liane Graham

Posted on January 26, 2007
Food, Hobos, Yuppies

Thin Employee Found Dead, Partially Consumed

Fat lady coworker: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Thin lady coworker: Okay. Remember, tonight, what are you going to have?
Fat coworker: A salad.
Thin coworker: Right, a salad. Or something light. I like grilled chicken.
Fat coworker: Okay, right.
Thin coworker: I’m going to ask you tomorrow what you had, okay?
Fat coworker: Sure.
Thin coworker: You know I’m just trying to help, right?
Fat coworker: Uh-huh.

–Barnes & Noble, 6th Ave & W 8th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Posted on January 11, 2007
Advice, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Food, Skinny People, Store, West Village

I Mixed It with Sperm

Ana #1: Yeah, I felt so good because all I ate for a month was lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
Ana #2: Oh, really? But I’m afraid of being on a diet without protein!
Ana #1: Don’t worry, the maple syrup is full of protein!

–Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Posted on January 6, 2007
Advice, Anorexic, Columbia University, Diet/Weight, Food, Gripes, Illness, Questions, Time, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Rated ‘V’ for Violent

Boy: Yeah, I mean, the only way that I’d be pissed is if you stabbed me…

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Dude: He threw a bagel at me — knocked me the fuck out!

–15th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael Pantozzi

Guidance counselor mediating a conflict between a flock of tween girls: Okay, Yamira* can still go on the field trip, because she told the truth about punching Janalin* in the face.

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Little boy: Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother in stroller.] Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother again.] Smack that! Lalalala!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: amused sales associate

Guy on cell: Yeah, after that hug I wanted to punch her.

–Walgreens, Union Square

Posted on January 3, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Bitch-slap, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Food, Punch, Stab, Travel, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

It Takes More than that to Impress James Bond

50-something guy #1: That food was so good last night.
50-something guy #2: I think we were just drunk.
50-something guy #1: No, that was a great grilled cheese… Remember the Russian hooker with the whip?
50-something guy #2: Yeah… Here’s 14th Street.

–A train

Overheard by: Steph

Posted on January 2, 2007
Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Men, On the Subway

Food