Tweaker mom: Can I get my butter, please? I paid for my butter, and I’m taking my butter. I paid for it, I tipped for it, and I’m taking it [gets butter, then starts yanking child out the door].
Young daughter: Mommy, you don’t even like butter.
–Sunny & Annie Deli, 6th St & Ave B
Student #1: Dude, she wasn’t even that fat.
Student #2: If she wasn’t ‘that fat,’ she wouldn’t have picked up and eaten the food after we threw it at her.
–Water polo match, Queens College
Overheard by: Jeff
Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
–Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I’m hungry.
–Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you’re drunk.
–University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn’t what I should be having for breakfast.
–14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
–Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who’s the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
–115th St & Broadway
Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Peter L
Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.
–Christopher & 7th
Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!
–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn
Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?
–6 train
Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!
–Victoria’s Secret dressing room
20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!
–56th & 9th
Hipster girl #1: Are those ginger Altoids? I’ve never had those before.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah, they’re my favorite. Would you like one?
Hipster girl #1: Okay. [A few minutes later] These are really strong! They kind of burn.
Hipster girl #2: Yeah! I love them because it’s like my tongue is being mauled by a bear! Rawr!
Hipster girl #1: Rawr!
–D train
Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too… just not people ordering it while they’re having sex with me.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
JAP #1: Besides, you can’t fit a pancake in a hole that size.
JAP #2: Well, what if Hillary runs for President?
JAP #1: Yeah, like a Nazi Feminista president can bend the laws of physics.
–53rd & Park Ave
Overheard by: Matt Chancellor
Chick: Don’t eat that!
Guy: Why? What did you do to it?
Chick: Nothing! It’s just been all over the table!
Guy: [Silently eats it.]Chick: Oh my god. I’m never hooking up with you!
–Palladium Dining Hall, 14th & 4th
Overheard by: Emily
Hobo: Could you please spare some change for Christmas? Merry Christmas?
Yuppie: I have something for you, my friend! I have some fruitcake!
–West 4th St
Overheard by: Liane Graham
Fat lady coworker: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Thin lady coworker: Okay. Remember, tonight, what are you going to have?
Fat coworker: A salad.
Thin coworker: Right, a salad. Or something light. I like grilled chicken.
Fat coworker: Okay, right.
Thin coworker: I’m going to ask you tomorrow what you had, okay?
Fat coworker: Sure.
Thin coworker: You know I’m just trying to help, right?
Fat coworker: Uh-huh.
–Barnes & Noble, 6th Ave & W 8th St
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
